A Mask and Missing Transparencies (Part 5)

Thursday Begins Heavy

Thursday appeared to have tension, apprehension and question. All I know is that I bounced down to a low, rose above it and followed that band of slacking and tensing until the day had concluded. This small portion of literature which by the extent of my memoirs is undermined shall break way to nothing new, my philosophy and reasoning.

I do believe that by all the comedy of Thursday was manifest for belief that I’m always undermined at work, considered a pushover and that’s why I’m a glutton for people’s unintentional vibes of impurity. The reason I think people walk over me (This includes most people in my life) is because I never retaliate or have enough of a backbone to stir doubt or defense.

I’m the sort of person that doesn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings in front of others therefore, I never redress and do what needs to be done. People also get tired of my quirky attitude and no matter how much times I try to change my approach, in time, I am always deemed the culprit to have shit put on indirectly.

Najla Loses Her Smile

For example, Najla and I used to have so much fun in our first two weeks of work, chatting away, having great laughs, learning about each other and having great fun. These days it’s nigh impossible to have her crack a smile as work takes precedence and because she doesn’t pull her weight around in filing (And I probably lacking to her discretion) we tend to tire of each other quickly.

Nowadays we are silently convicted by animosity, loathing each other’s inadequacy. Najla has just gotten tired of my lameness as every joke or saying I seem to share with Najla seems to have an undesired effect as if Najla shrugs me of thinking to herself “Whatever”.

The Mask I Wear

What a life I did have back in the good old days when hiding behind a mask was substituted by the bold charisma that I showed. I was haughty and proud and if anyone ever tried to put me down I’d keep on that lofted content and brush them off with more words of realism. There was always a comment to come after someone trying to put me down which either made them shut up or see the truth in my virility.

If you can understand my philosophy, back in those days I used to have nothing, but everything, now everything, but as hollow is, nothing. Back then my life was deemed to be hollow, with no job, no car and none of the material things that I have now which ironically are the possessions which create my mask. Today I am in the process of having everything in the likes of material possession that I’ve always wanted and yet, with work, friends and outings every weekend, my life now seems more hollow than what my erstwhile years perceived.

All these material possessions, that with each presentation creates much the hollowing effect, they are the mask portrayed. Lyssa says that I’ve changed since we started going out, from the charismatic kid up to mischief to the humbled villain that with his villainy hath robbed his worldly shadow and with such remnants to memory, created a mask of a beguiled vision.

Excited by all the energy I had back in the day, I tried to regain old composure but only fooled myself into charismatic hope, artlessly believing that clothes, contact lenses and clubs would make me popular again. However, to my acquaintances it has cleaved them in part, both sides bewildered. To companions at work who have no recollection of my past and to people at clubs and on the streets, the image I portray doesn’t match the timid personality I hold and therefore, I am one without the other and curios to all other.

If I had my confidence from the past then these material possessions would definitely help in making me be the equivalent of when Lyssa used to be called a ‘Spice Girl’. However, I have to learn that confidence comes from within, not from what material possessions make of my appearance and of my appearance to those material possessions.

Peeling Back the Mask

Wisdom I have learnt from another source of mediums has led me to believe with more vigor that I am a man hiding behind my mask. Ever since I started going out with Lyssa, the truth I thought would set me free but I was deceived in what I wanted. Shedding my charisma and building upon the fantasies in my mind, I was away from reality for such a long time and kept covering my welted skin with this mask I now portray.

Whenever things would look bad or I would get knocked, there would be no sharp comment to hush people’s words. Rather, I just took their inadvertent abuse in and with its harboring, placed this mask upon my face. When times seemed bad I would seek comfort in my mask, hiding all my insecurities behind its staunch walls. Now I know that I’m hiding behind this mask, where the slightest gust of wind could blow me away.

All it takes is one indirect jab at my insecurities and I’ll feel as lowly as those depressing days before my adjourning triumph of finding work. I don’t know how to bring back the old me but I know that more clothes, contact lenses or even braided hair won’t get back my old groove. However, as I am still in pursuit of my old charisma, I will induce myself amongst these material possessions which by their convenience will broaden my considerable search.

In closure, I know that if I just shined through my mask with such charismatic personality, shedding the insecurities of such a bold move, I would attract praised attention. I know I can attract delicious girls now (I’ll give myself that) and if I really tried I could scrape home a model or the woman of my life. However, to do so I have to shed this mask and face the blinding warmth of light to which I have not seen for such a dry length, prolonged in this darkness, a prisoner to insecurities for two long years…

Out of Transparencies

Getting now to the vexatious call of chronology, I am actually quite relaxed now after that stint of philosophy. Regardless, that will not bring back my memory of what time I woke up and to what faces I did see on the train to work but despite all that lapsing from memory, I do recall the best of my notes and what they retrieve from this mind.

What I do remember of the morning and the whole week on the train to work is that I never saw Lyssa on the train or jumping off at St. James. This I gather meant that Lyssa always caught the earlier train or stayed home to which I wouldn’t be surprised if she stayed home today from work. Far from those cries and getting to the tears of work’s discrepancy, we shall begin with the binding day of rubber band action.

The catapulting day began with the morning mail which was fine and when completed, I began on a brief as usual. The first trouble of the day arrived when we ran out of A4 transparencies and in our line of work in administration, something is always running out almost daily. Both of us deserved no blame upon restock as we were completely oblivious to it being the last two pieces of A4 transparency.

In a way I figured that Najla knew exactly what was going on and held off her briefs so that I would discover the problem to which I would then have to resolve. To my liking, Najla was just passing the buck but sounding as oblivious as me, I placed that aversion in the back of my mind and walked over to Thalia with the question of ordering stationary.

Passed Around

Because I am considered a pushover I was passed around myself as Thalia told me that we usually ordered in bulk but to ask Jana in regards to procedure. Heading over to Jana diligently I confronted her with the problem noting that there were only two transparencies left but as her temperament is concerned she gave me her twenty abrupt questions.

Brushing them off which caused me a greater deal of stress and still a void to recognition, she passed me of advising me she’d part with some petty cash money to which I would have to ask to see who orders stationary and then give the stationary shop a call to quote a price on transparencies.

Derisively being tossed around and with my anxious distress showing through my lack of sounding in control of my timid voice, I tried one last person to which gave me assistance that I needed. Blythe was the person who used to order in stationary and as Thalia mentioned she didn’t do it before I was waiting for her to say “So and so does it now”. Alas, Thalia decided to make my life difficult to which made me believe I either had to order in my own stationary or keep asking around until someone fessed up.

Blythe Saves the Day

Blythe ended up bringing out her little booklet to which she kindly called up for some bulk purchasing of transparencies. The mid term problem was now fixed, our only problem was short term and making my way back to my section I picked up the phone and called directory assistance. Not too keen on using the phone as I feel vulnerable when people are in hearing distance, I was glad that I was given the wrong number from directory assistance.

Heading back to Jana I gave her an estimate of how much 100 transparencies would end up costing us and as I gathered they would cost five dollars she looked at me cynically exclaiming “So if I gave you five dollars you won’t come back to me asking for more”. Nodding my head in some doubt I was glad that Jana ended up giving me twenty dollars to which she noted she couldn’t be dipping into petty cash all the time.

Blythe is very good at her job, she leads by example, solves people’s problems and is the first to answer people’s phones. I strive to be as professional yet undermined as herself but sadly, my leading by example has led me into many predicaments of responsibility over these last couple of months. People tend to forget that there are two people in administration, me and Najla. Because I have been there the longest, have shown more initiative, am taking on more responsibility and to some small part, am a man, I am the scorned when something is amiss from admin.

However, being held accountable with responsibility also has its advantages as apart from all the blame received, I do also receive most worthy praise. Nevertheless, when the problem of transparencies was raised, Jana or Thalia shouldn’t have been so one sided and quick to deem it my fault. Najla has a mouth, eyes and a brain and all problems in administration are ours to share. Najla wouldn’t have received as much flack as I did if she had approached people and it’s that way because she’s deemed the baby girl and I the big brother.

Najla Takes the Errand

This small problem increased as I thought I was going to get away from the casting of burdensome aspersions. Receiving all the shit and sorting out the whole problem, the only thing left now for me to do was to head down to the DX shop and buy the transparencies. For those short minutes I felt relieved to be heading out and getting some sun but my party was cut short by a swindler. Najla offered to head out to the DX shop and buy the transparencies herself deflating my expectant bliss.

Originally I offered to deliver a brief update for Najla which was late and to which she was going to deliver later in the day but deciding to rob me on the last minute, I gave it up for her. What a bitch, she most probably held off from doing a proper brief so I could go through the whole stressful ordeal of ordering transparencies and just when I am about to reap the only reward of the whole endeavor, she comes and swipes it away from me.

“Are you sure you want to go, the DX shop is really hard to find” I questioned but Najla was intent of getting out of the office as much as myself. Succumbing to her will despite her never having been able to locate the DX shop before, I handed her the money and thought ill thoughts in my mind as she walked out the door. Looking out of my window onto the glistening sun upon the opposing building was as close to that beautiful day as I would get before lunch.

Jana’s Lost File

There did come some compassion through the day but mostly woe upon woe. While Najla was off on her little journey to which I predicted she would take her time Jana headed over to my section in desperate search of a file. Having been looking for it these last couple of days Jana was in grief to its disappearance. Hoping that it wasn’t stored away at brambles, we looked through the brambles list along with Thalia as she started to hate the system that we used.

Showing initiative, I suggested that we start a computerized database of all files sent to brambles and as I offered to backdate it, Jana mentioned that we should just begin with our next batch. When Jana had left leaving behind her grief I checked the boxes of currently closed files to find the file she was seeking on top. You should have seen the joy and relief on her face as I handed it to her. Her jubilation was one of the ups of the day as she thanked me dearly and called me a champ, her usual pledges of joy.

Transparencies and a Dag

When Najla returned to work, she brought with her forty transparencies. Shedding her gloating excitement of how they cost seventy cents each but the guy behind the counter sold them to her for fifty cents each, I put away the transparencies and waited eagerly for lunch to arrive. The reason the salesman knocked down the price is because Najla sat there confused as to how much it would end up costing and fifty cents each sounding much bearable a number to multiply for one that thinks a liter of water weighs the same as a liter of oil, this is a just assumption.

For some reason or other, Najla had to head out somewhere and as Jana wanted someone to sign for the transparencies bought to which she noted “Either one of you, it doesn’t matter” I shouted out “Yeah I’ll do it” after a long pause. Najla should have raised her hand but she was too busy seeking this little errand and as I walked over towards Jana, Thalia had a little laugh at me, calling me a classic for how I seemingly jumped at the opportunity of signing away my name.

Thalia must have thought I was a touch lifeless in the mind, either that or I was a goody-two-shoes who loved to suck up. Neither of the two, when heading back to Thalia down the hall to ask her “What are you laughing at” in a playful voice her thinking I could take her haphazard criticism was mistaken. Just as Lyssa hates when people call her an idiot (As much as myself), I didn’t appreciate when Thalia uttered “You Dag” and let out her little gawky laugh.

Standing almost silent as I turned and walked back to my desk at the cessation of our small conversation, I sat there on the verge of releasing my frustration. However, lunch was soon at hand and as I was having lunch at midday, I geared up for some sun and relaxation.