Who Really Loved Who More (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: February 26, 1999

Who Loved Whom More

Love, it is a quarreling subject of truth and truth’s truth and I used to think that I loved Lyssa dearer but as I look back upon our times and of now, Lyssa loves me all the more and shows it. How naïve I would be to think that I loved Lyssa more with the presents every month, devoted tenderness and the meeting of all her needs with my benevolence.

How quick was I to forget the wandering of my loving ways onto another that led to our break up where Lyssa’s heart was also broken in the process. Once again did I break it when I advised Lyssa of my insincere plight and of now, how I treat her as second class to my renewed expectations.

Lyssa was always there with her loving ways but I never did see them because I was looking in all the wrong places. Giving Lyssa presents and surprise gifts, I wanted the same thing and that would have shown Lyssa’s love but she didn’t do as I did and thus, I didn’t see it there. The lavishness that Lyssa was bestowed in our sexual nights where I done the all of her desires I hoped to regain but instead, I got empty promises and lessened expectations.

The helping of Lyssa in her hard times when I had money and when I didn’t, treating money like it belonged to generosity and generosity for Lyssa at that, I didn’t receive that same treatment and thus, once again I didn’t see her loving ways.

No truth in her love shown to me but looking back upon our years together, I know it was there and eminent in her temperament. Rather, Lyssa lived for the now and all that I speak of would have been out of her style and into mine, living for the future. So who had the more of love that we are now in contrast of each other. I for being a cheat and concealing such or Lyssa for being without generosity in love’s truth for that which the senses would discern.

Trapped Between Lyssa and Friends

Tomorrow night I am to spend with Lyssa and thinking about this in the shower tonight I realized that I once again feel trapped in a situation. On one hand I have Lyssa asking me to go out and to make solid plans with her and then I have Ralf who came over tonight and wants to go out. Back when Lyssa and I were going out I lost my friends because I kept going out with Lyssa and they soon lost faith in me. I can see it happening again and I need to take a step back.

Lyssa is still hung up on me, I can see that and with her wanting to make plans with me every week and for me to make excuses for my friend, I will start losing respect amongst them. This Friday night would be a mistake for me to go out with Lyssa because it will be the third time in a week’s length that I have been spotted or heard of being with Lyssa.

Today while I was at Macarthur Square with Lyssa I was noticed by Keith walking by, he also noticed Lyssa, smiled at me as if to say he caught me and then kept walking. If I continue along this jaunt with Lyssa then she is just going to keep pulling me into obligation and it’s going to get dangerously close to a relationship soon, completely and utterly what I don’t want. This isn’t because of Lyssa but of what has gone wrong, what I don’t want to do wrong again and what I need to do to move on.

Two Very Different People

This time away from (if you can call it that) Lyssa has made me realize that we are such different people in respect to what I said in contrast in the last paragraph. I like to please where as Lyssa likes to get pleased.

I like to keep quiet in order to make the other person happy. Lyssa likes to point out faults and problems in order to neutralize them. Lyssa doesn’t show her love in the right ways that would make me happy and I guess you can say the same about me, we’re both completely different. Our music is different, our tastes are different, even our thoughts and perspectives are different on many occasions.

No Backing Out Tomorrow

Tomorrow I cannot back out of because Lyssa rang me tonight asking if I was coming or not but in the future, I will make adjustments to start heading in a decline from a relationship rather than towards obligation. What I need to ask myself now is do I need to hold onto my friends or do I need to betray them by going out with Lyssa, lose my friends and only be left with an opaque version of happiness. Happiness to me isn’t Lyssa alone. It was when we were going out but not anymore.

Skipping Rope Begins

Before I begin on Thursday’s events let me just note that early in Thursday morning after my Diary entry I done what I had planned to do, skipping. Yes, I’ve began what I hope to be a continual routine of mine, which will not only see me getting skinnier but healthier. Thursday morning I skipped 500 times taking it in intervals of 50. Skipping relatively steady and fast-paced I paused for a couple of seconds and before my heart rate dropped I started again.

By the end ten minutes had passed and I hadn’t started sweating yet but I had a hot flush and once I did stop the sweating began but only lightly. Tonight I will once again do some skipping but this time I will complete 1000 rotations of the skipping rope which will take me just under half an hour. Tonight I also have some more research to add to this Diary and that is of my measurements for the past two to three months of working out taken every fortnight.

Woken by Lyssa at Midday

Beginning now my Thursday I was woken up at midday by an eager but cautious Lyssa. Waking me up even though I was waking up myself she asked if we were still heading to Macarthur Square and telling her that I needed half an hour extra of sleep I got back to my duty of rolling around in my made up bed on the ground.

Twenty minutes passed and when I thought that I had enough sleep I woke up and called Lyssa immediately. Making plans to meet on the seats at the front of Campbelltown Station within 45 minutes I only gave myself a fraction of time to get ready. Actually, Lyssa informed me that she would be catching a taxi down so that meant I had to hurry things up and so after a very quick and light breakfast I headed out to meet Lyssa.

On the way to Campbelltown it started sprinkling lightly and I hoped that it wouldn’t rain and my luck was with me. Unscathed by the moist sky I made my approach to the station hoping that Lyssa would be there before me for a change. Coming out of the underground walkway I noticed Lyssa sitting on the seats and as she stood up we greeted and then made our way onto the next train heading to Macarthur Square.

Waiting by the Railings

Arriving at the platform we jumped out and made our way to the entrance of Macarthur Square to a whole new atmosphere. There weren’t as much people up there as I had expected but it kept me busy. Firstly we made our way to a makeup shop because Lyssa wanted to buy some foundation. This was the first I had heard of it apart from Lyssa briefly mentioning it in our conversation the night before.

As Lyssa made her way into the store I knew just by looking in there that I didn’t want to accompany her. For that reason I made my way to some railings where the stairway was leading downstairs and just sat there waiting for Lyssa. Downstairs was the hairdressers that took care of Ralf and he had his haircut last time, upstairs I think was the opening to Harris Scarf. To speak no bullshit, I noticed a hot tall blonde that was fairly beautiful but slightly not my type.

A Blonde Who Kept Looking

As she walked into Harris Scarf with someone a couple of years older than her (Maybe her mother) I noticed her take a look at me. Thinking she was around my age or a year older I looked away from her and to test her I looked at her once again when she was walking in Harris Scarf. What I had noticed was her looking directly at me, no she was staring and as soon as I looked at her she got embarrassed and quickly turned to which way she was facing.

As they walked further into the store she told her lady friend next to her about me because I saw her also looking at me for a second. So, she was too embarrassed to look at me a third time and thought to have her lady friend take a glance of approval. This was all new to me because this girl was so pure looking, so smart looking and so beautiful and yet, she was looking at me, talk about reversing the roles. Alas, I didn’t chase her because we all know me, I don’t have my gentle male touch anymore that lures them all in by the truckload, or so it did.