Old School Ghosts Return
Lyssa told me about a couple of days ago when Kieran, some other guy and two other people who knew her from school had come over to her house. This guy that I think is called Redd knew me from back in school and asked Lyssa “How could you go out with him, if you knew him back when he was a total Nerd at school you wouldn’t have looked twice at him”. I’m not going to hide the fact that I wasn’t all that in school but what has that got to do with who I am now, obviously I’ve changed my ways and can take care of myself.
The reason I was such a nerd at school is because of a problem I still have now, low confidence. If I had enough confidence to fight Baker back in Airds High School (Where I knew I could beat him) then I probably would have turned out a bit different. This guy that had known me from Airds was at Lyssa’s formal for year 12, he was the one who was with Lyssa’s friend Janice that night, the one that I don’t like. You see I’m doing it too, I haven’t met her but already I’m casting aspersions between us.
Poems Meet a Lighter
Lyssa finally took out my memories folder and for a while we were struggling for possession. Lyssa wanted to take everything of hers back and as she took her Misty Moo, the toothpicks, crystal piano and her moon ring she was after her letters that she had given to me. Lyssa even took her postcard and asking Lyssa not to take away my memories from Lyssa’s mind and heart she said “They don’t mean shit to you anyway”.
Asking Lyssa if my poems meant anything to her she told me straight out no. Not believing her she then went on to say “Take out one of your poems and I’ll show you they don’t mean shit to me”. Surprised that Lyssa even said that she informed me that she was going to take them out to the backyard and burn them.
Pausing for a little while to collect my thoughts as my beliefs had now been shattered I acted upon impulse and wanting to test Lyssa as well as prove myself I took out two poems that I had written to Lyssa. Handing them to Lyssa she informed me that she couldn’t burn them inside and asked me to come out with her. When I stood up Lyssa told me that my mum would probably come outside making up excuses so I took the lighter in my hand.
Continually I asked Lyssa to burn my poems if they meant nothing to her and even though she wasn’t willing to walk outside to burn my poems I became infuriated with hatred and flicking on the lighter I started to burn my poems. Not bearing to look with any emotion towards the enlarging flames I asked Lyssa if she was satisfied now. Taking the increasingly flaming paper to the bathroom I asked Lyssa to come along and placed them within the sink. As Lyssa made a dastardly comment I walked back towards my room and with tears forming in my eyes I knew what I had to do.
Tearing Up Our Past
Taking out the rest of Lyssa’s literature to me and that of my own I placed them all in front of Lyssa and said to her “There you are, what you wanted, burn them up”. Without too much hesitation Lyssa flipped through the first note on the pile that she had given to me and decided to tear it up into pieces.
That alone tore my heart up inside, knowing that Lyssa was taking away my memories like such and I was allowing it to happen. Lyssa pushed on to tear her poems and as she came upon one of mine I picked it up myself and tore it. Lyssa showed no sympathy so I showed no regret to the fact that I too was helping get rid of some of our past.
While we sat there tearing piece after piece of literature I couldn’t help to think that we were making a huge mistake but I also felt that once this was done I was a step closer to forgetting about Lyssa and believe me, I wanted to at this point in time.
Poem after poem we tore and letter after letter we ripped for Lyssa’s satisfaction. Lyssa was angry because I favored her letters over the material possessions she had given me (Apart from the Diamond Piano and the moon ring) but once again it was my belief in my truth that fucked me up. Lyssa didn’t want to understand my mind, she just wanted to get angry because it didn’t coincide with her beliefs. When all was ripped Lyssa asked if I was going to burn it now but not responding she said it was time to throw it in the bin if I wasn’t going to.
Hopeful that Lyssa wouldn’t make the trip outside to the bin I was glad to know that Lyssa only packed all the newly made rubbish into the corn chips bag. There it has been until now and just before writing in this Diary I’ve been trying to piece together all the letters of hers we have ripped up that she’s given me. Those memories are too precious to allow them to be thrown away. I knew all that when we were ripping it up but for the fact that Lyssa was getting satisfied and proving her point that my poetry didn’t mean shit to her my frustration and anger kicked in.
Cutting Her Out
Informing Lyssa that it was now over for certain I no longer had any memories of Lyssa to look upon apart from those pictures in my album. Lyssa was being as bitter as to have me cut her out of every picture in my album. On top of that I asked Lyssa to give back all the poems that I had ever written her, the Chinese skirt for Christmas and the formal dress that she has since lent to Penelope and not bothered to get back. Lyssa refused to give back the dress to me because she wanted to wear it once or twice more, how demented.
There’s no escaping this vicious circle of first time relationships. I’m pretty certain that Lyssa and I are going to cling onto each other for at least the next couple of years like idiots. Right now we are arguing and I told Lyssa I never want to see her again but I know that’s not going to happen too soon even though I’ve shown that I can get over someone and never call them again.
Stuck Between Friends and More
When Lyssa came over for Saturday night I was in between going out with her and being friends with her. I was in oblivion, in the middle of nowhere and it seems that most times Lyssa and I get together it’s only for a booty call. Yes I would like to get back with Lyssa but on the other hand I know that the both of us will never change and we will continually be fighting if we ever did go out.
There are times that I want her to be by my side for life and then there are the more sane thoughts of me moving on to someone else. If Lyssa will ever let that happen is beyond me right now but I know that with a different person I probably won’t argue as much with them, if not at all.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
