Printers Jam and I Feel Like an Outcast (Part 1)

A Less Desirable Day

From a good day to a day less desirable day today. Things were going so well on Monday, I was learning, taking it in and as Rome wasn’t built in one day, coping. Despite my not having much interpersonal skills I was trying my best to be talkative and communicative. However, as I have noted in these last two days and basically for my whole life after 18 years old I am so caged and reticent to my own world.

It’s come to the stage where my being timid creates the incapability within me when it comes to menial tasks and the people around me who all act normal frown on me. Today at work I took note in how everyone had their own personality and I was without one, I had no personality.

Today had mixed fate but almost from the start I was set for a declining day in my self-morale. Firstly, I got to sleep around 10:45 p.m. and for the next seven hours I had the best sleep where I didn’t wake up once. When the alarm clock finally did ring I jumped quickly out of bed to shut it down and with this I continued on to have two bananas, some yogurt and then a shower. Wasting some time in front of the heater and watching ‘Aerobics Oz Style’ I put on my new shirt, new pants and a tie Keith lent me.

However, the tie was giving me pains in which I couldn’t tie it on straight and as time was running out I had to do the best I could and run out the door to catch the bus. There was a stream of events through my day in which we were running late on time and I just finished most of the work on time, it was awful. What’s worse is when I’m so shy and I can’t express myself in front of the people at work as I would at home.

Meeting Lyssa at St James

Arriving at the train Station I waited for a couple of minutes until the train arrived and then jumped on the 7:15 a.m. train hoping Lyssa would be on it this time around. Sitting near the doors on the first carriage I watched out the window as it slowed down towards Leumeah in which I saw Lyssa standing on the platform with a friend (Can’t remember her name but she’s the dopey chick with black hair that used to come out way back when Lyssa and I first started going out).

For this reason I started thinking that because I was timid around more than just Lyssa I would clench up so I decided to see if Lyssa would come to me. However, when Lyssa walked onto the train she didn’t even see me despite my being only a meter in front of her.

Lyssa and her friend walked downstairs and I thought to head down there and try and accompany her but I wouldn’t have had a place to sit and would have felt uncomfortable so I just made my way upstairs. Bringing along my little ‘Blue’ bag, a book and some Link deodorant I started reading my book but my neck got sore so I quickly stopped, I couldn’t concentrate anyway.

When arriving at St. James I decided to jump off to chat with Lyssa in which she noticed me and we started walking together. Heading out the ticket machines I bought a drink as she bought a magazine and off we headed into the direction of her building, chatting along the way. Lyssa liked the outfit I was wearing, especially the blue shirt as she felt the material. Having half an hour before I started work I thought to walk Lyssa to her work.

Asking Lyssa if she would stand outside for a little while with me we done so for a minute or two and then Lyssa felt the need to head upstairs. I guess it was because of our lack of conversation or lack of interest in making one so I let her go do her thing. From there I just paced myself to work and before heading inside I made my way to the toilets so I could prep myself up and spray on some perfume.

Mistakes on the Job

Today started off well enough but near the end of the day I was almost brought to tears with the stress of printers always jamming and being so pushed to remember all the procedures in one go that it nearly killed me. I blame myself for half of the errors that made my day excruciatingly nerve racking and to the point where I was heading home on the train and thinking of the viable alternatives to quit.

However, I also put some blame on Tarni for thinking that I’ll learn as quickly as she had learnt. It takes time to get into a groove, sometimes more time for others as people learn in different ways. I wish that we could just master one thing at a day until I am finally up to the point where I have learnt everything and am capable but how I am being taught is creating much loose ends and making me incompetent in my job.

The first half of the day rolled smoothly where we sorted out the mail and done a little more filing. However, skipping the better parts I’ll get to the stage where an hour before our lunch at 1:00 p.m. we started on creating a ‘Brief’ for the courts and barristers to read. Writing down all the things I need to know step by step she carried through the first one as I wrote down details.

However, through it all I started getting lost in what she said and knew that if I had some hands on work with another file I would start to get the hang of it. Basically, because I wasn’t doing it myself, it was going in one ear, onto paper and then out the other ear with some details learnt. When lunch arrived I was feeling fairly confident and a bit famished. Before leaving and a couple of minutes before 1:00 p.m.

Lunch Under the Fig Tree

I called Lyssa from the phone in our section and was put on hold for a couple of minutes. Tarni had left for lunch around this time so I was pretty much alone. Anyway, Lyssa finally got on the phone and I’m not sure if she was trying to avoid me but she had lunch at 11:30 a.m. because there was a new trainee being taught. Therefore, I left for lunch by myself, a little daunted at that fact, alone as usual…

Having a game plan in my mind I headed to one of the arcades on Pitt Street where Lyssa and I used to buy seafood platters from. At the same shop I did buy myself hot chips and a seafood crab thing and with that in hand I began my long walk. Through Hyde Park I began, past the hanging trees walkway, across the road to the other side of Hyde Park and then finally to the fig tree that I have made famous in notoriety.

The grass had been made soggy because of a morning shower so I decided to sit on one of the fig tree’s roots. Now when I started to eat I didn’t feel shy or insecure like I usually do, nope, I was fully comfortable. Usually I would be very aware of how I was eating in which I would be thinking everyone was looking at me but there was no such anxiety when eating today, a good thing.

Taking my time eating lunch as a seagull was eyeing me from a meter away trying to sneak up on me I jumped up and with ten minutes left made it back to work. What I find irritating is that Tarni is always back before me despite my heading back on time. Maybe she spends lunch at work or gets there earlier but even though it’s only been two days I would like to get there earlier.

Briefs and Petty Cash

The second part of the day was much more disastrous and nerve-racking. This time around I was asked to fix up the brief so that we can ring up the printing shop and send it out to them. This went along fine but there were so much different types of letters to differentiate that I was having trouble learning and following on. However, I did survive this as we called the printing place to have the briefs printed up for the barristers.

Tarni called someone to come and pick it up in which he came and I was introduced to the guy I should be dealing with in a couple of weeks time. During this and just after lunch me and the guy with the English accent who is temping in our area took me to take out petty cash and hand it to Jana. This was a breeze as we headed up to AMP Bank, up to the business section and took out the money.

Trying to strike up a conversation with the temp to keep it from being silent we talked about how he was here on a visa for one year to work before he headed back home to England. However, from the start I knew that I would be singled out and made to be a loner because of my reticent character and lack of personality and interpersonal skills.

Heading back to the office Tarni and I started doing the outgoing mail in which three of us had to get to work on it because we were running late as it was due to my inconsistency. Knowing that they were probably thinking negative thoughts about me in their mind I just kept my thoughts to myself. Even when I was sent to do some photocopying or wasn’t around that area I had the feeling that I was being talked about, bitched about more like it.

Printers Everywhere

When I was sent away to photocopy some briefs the pressure started to mount for the day. What was supposed to be a simple task ended up being so time consuming and stressful. The first printer that I used jammed every couple of copies and because it had a weird feeder which placed the printed copies back the front I got confused with what had been copied and what had not. I must have walked over to Tarni at least five times in which they could see my incompetence despite my keeping a strong face.

The next printer I tried was running out of toner and each couple of times it printed out it would stop because of that problem. Making a fool out of myself around that printing area I thought some guy wanted to print where I was but it turned out that he was already printing, I’m stupid. Finally, I made my way to another printer after trying unsuccessfully on the photocopier that had my paper get stuck every so often.

However, this photocopier was heaps slow and the time kept ticking and ticking and ticking. At one stage the temp guy from England came up to me and told me it would be best if I used the faster printer but when I did they all came out the wrong way, lucky he wasn’t around. If someone walked past me they probably couldn’t see my stress or problems but believe me, they were hidden very well.

Finally all the copies were complete after many paper jams and other stresses of the office. Whilst on the printers I felt like being myself and just sarcastically saying “I hate printers, all of them seem to have a problem” but I knew I couldn’t express myself properly and thus, never tried. The photocopying got done right at the end of the day and in all, it probably took me more than half an hour of running around. When I was finally walking back to our area in the office I could hear the temping guy faintly as he was saying “He shouldn’t be this slow”.

Left Behind at the Lifts

To that Tarni responded “Yeah, I know” and as I popped around the corner there was a silence that was covered up by normality but I could see through it. From this point on it seemed like I was an outcast as the three of them headed out to the lifts together, all united against me. Tarni kept the door open for me but as we all waited at the elevator the English guy called out to Tarni while he walked to the fire exit and off they went.

They didn’t say goodbye or even acknowledge me as they walked away, it was as if I was the loner I was meant to be. This really put me down, knowing that the people I were working with were now thinking I was below them and that I was inconsistent and incapable. As I walked to the train station I took my time because I was afraid to bump into them in which they would see the shame in my expressions.