Thinking of Quitting on the Train Home (Part 2)

Should I Quit

Waiting for the train I was more reticent than usual, just keeping to myself and my thoughts. Adding to my woes was the fact that I had just missed the Campbelltown train and had to wait around with my thoughts for another fifteen minutes. In this time all the demoralizing thoughts ran through my head as I changed my thought from “I could hold this job for a year” to “Should I quit tomorrow, wait until the end of the week or try and stick it out and go against my principles in waiting until I get sacked”.

On top of this, I started thinking I had no personality at work, I was inconsistent at my job, no interpersonal skills and above all, I was an introvert. When I started thinking of quitting I also started thinking “How tarnished will I look if I quit another job, I don’t want to face my friends, Lyssa or my parents with that news, not even myself”. Therefore, instead of working out how I could quit and keep on the dole I said to myself “Alright, tomorrow I’m going to try my hardest to win back their respect for me in the office and if after tomorrow I am still shit and treated like shit, then I will consider leaving”.

Downhearted I was on the way home as I thought of all the things I couldn’t buy now and how I couldn’t buy a car and please Lyssa’s thought yesterday of having me drive her around to places. This clash between my inconsistency at work and my desires to have something in my life other than loneliness did quarrel my mind for the remainder of the trip to Campbelltown and it did discourage me.

Home Again

When at Campbelltown I noticed that the Bradbury Bus was sitting there as my train pulled in and fearing that it would take off I started to walk faster to try and get to it. I couldn’t stand the thought of just having missed my bus and having to waste half an hour but like my day had seen me just finish on tight deadlines I caught the bus. All the way home I was silent as the rest of them were, relieving stress that was put on from my day at work.

When home I took off my crooked tie, my clothes and had myself my first drink of the day. Now I am on this computer typing away for today’s memoirs. Now that I am with my thoughts, I believe that this month could end in one of two ways. Firstly, the preferred option is for me to get through this rut at work, gain their respect, my affiliation and get comfortable and trained with my duties and evidently stick with my job. However, there is the chance that this month could end with me quitting work and therefore, another job where I couldn’t last more than a day or two.

Lyssa Is Out Having Fun

After today I counted up all the things that are against me in my life including my lonely life. Tonight I want to call Lyssa because I am getting those urges again, work makes me lonesome and craving for some attachment. However, as much as I want to call Lyssa tonight to ease my nerves and tension I know I shouldn’t and therefore probably wont. On that note, I know that Lyssa won’t call me because she hasn’t looked too interested in me lately.

Lyssa is heading to Byblos this weekend, she had the chance of heading to the Retro opening with special opening tickets and she’s going to have a great weekend. Lyssa is having a great time without me, going out, having a good time and living her life to the full. Yet, here I am, not able to hold a job, not able to bring out my personality, incapable of many things and too much of an introvert.

Needing a Psychiatrist

I have nothing apart from this job that so far isn’t getting me anywhere and everything is starting to cave in on me. While heading home on the train I started believing that I would need a psychiatrist or at least someone who can get me over the fear of being an individual personality. I have many problems in my life that I need to work out and a psychiatrist would be my best bet.

Strange it would seem that I would even consider that but I think it is much stranger that I’m at the point that wherever I turn there will always be a double edged sword waiting to stab me. If I were a little bit weaker I would be contemplating suicide and to say that is such a strong word in my diary. However, things are so bad at the moment that I can’t help to just look at this topic through a transparent thought.

Nevertheless, I would never think of suicide because I know I have much to live fore. Even though I can’t find a girlfriend now, I have no real friends, no respect from work colleagues, no money, no Lyssa, Jewell or even Phoenix and basically no hope at all, I know that one day I will achieve it and that hope makes me hold on.

A Few Quick Points

The time is now 8:09 p.m. and I have to eat, have a shower and basically try and relieve these tense muscles from uptightness. If Lyssa were to call me tonight that would just make my night and keep me intent for tomorrow at work but I really don’t believe luck has been coming my way recently. Fate really does work in mysterious ways and as I note, each direction I’m taking in my life is significant and destined to be. What I do now affects my future and my life is set out in destiny, I just have to follow through in anticipation.

Before I head off now, just a couple of points. Firstly, my parents bought a stupid wall clock for the television room upstairs. When coming home yesterday it made the silliest sound and played the gayest music for each hour. I’m not sure how to explain it but it sounded like that gay telephone music mixed in with a singing birthday card but louder and whinier.

What’s worse, I can hear it from my bedroom when I try and get to sleep and all I can do when hearing it is think that my parents bought it because it was so cheap and they probably like it. Another quick piece of stale bread, Phoenix called Keith on Saturday night because she was home alone and basically wanted a root. Calling Keith on his mobile phone she wanted to know if he would come over because she was home alone and very lonely.

That’s desperate Phoenix for you wanting Keith’s dick but who I am to say she’s desperate when I’ve tried (For all the wrong reasons) To try my piece at her. Another thing, on the weekend just past I found out some more information about that Caprice chick from across the street. I rarely see he at home anymore but on the weekend I put an end to my wondering how she could own a new Prelude and that new yellow Celica of hers.

It turns out that there are two blondes who look the same, are the same height and are probably sisters. They each have their own car and when I had seen this my eyes jumped out and my man chanted furiously. Now that there are two Caprice, my new sport is to find who is the hottest blonde. Forth and last, Shawn went for an interview on Monday to work at the train station and Keith had four jobs to chose from on Monday and because I haven’t spoken to him yet I’m not sure what he done, if any.

Getting Back With Lyssa

Just another paragraph of thought upon Lyssa. I’m not sure if I love Lyssa again with all these thoughts or if I just want to love someone again from all this loneliness but I know that I’ve been having detailed thoughts of us getting back together. For example, I thought that Lyssa and I could go out to the movies or somewhere together this weekend so we could get used to each other again. From there I thought that I could creep back into her life whilst staying away from the side of friends that would rather not associate with me, all of them.

I’ve thought how with each minute I would be with Lyssa I would always be thinking I love her so much and every half an hour I would say to her “I love you so much” and hold her close in my arms. I’ve thought about driving her around when I get my car and each day I think of her. There was a point where Lyssa told me each morning she would wake up and think of me and then during the day it would only be thoughts of me.

That is how I am feeling now, from the moment I wake up until these hours that I sleep and even in sleep, I think of Lyssa and falling into a much greater love, with no restrictions. True love can work, I believe it can work and as Lyssa always says to me “It doesn’t matter if my friends don’t like you or you don’t get along with my parents, if you really loved me you would be able to find a way around it and love me”.

Trying Harder Tomorrow

The time has come for me to jump off this diary and try and put behind me all the stresses and pressures of work. Tomorrow I will be very eager to please and gain back my respect or otherwise, I fear that my being put down and self-conscious attitude arising from that will lead me to quit. I’m trying to power through this but I don’t want to be the loner at work that no one likes and tries to avoid.

Also, there is a hot lady working in my office that is a couple of years older than me and has taken a shine in coming to our area and talking to everyone. Today I was distracted by her when Tarni was teaching me the ‘Briefs’ work. I feel this blonde purposefully stood a meter away from me and wore tight purple work pants for me to see her ass directly in front of me. She was talking to the guy from England who is rather confident in his chatting and has much interpersonal skills.

However, I had the strange feeling that she knew what she was doing by having her buttocks firmly in my view and I didn’t look at them frequently but I knew they were there. She’s the one that tried to befriend me and chat to me, she’s one of the Secretaries. Tomorrow I will get there early in the morning, grab the mail from downstairs and be ready for a productive day. Please, let me gain back my respect and work for this office for a while, let it be so…