Starved for Alone Time
Some alone time is what I need, yet, alone time I can’t achieve. What is more important that I cannot balance in this, my life. Time alone, where these Sonnets do out of it bloom or companionship, be it with friends or relationships that feed these thoughts but take away the hours of its application.
What I ought do with these hours I collect now in my alone time is expand upon them and in the process, wipe out more time of togetherness. Time with friends and others of association takes away from my ability to sustain my own thoughts and actions and rather I am part of a pool of thought.
Whether in the shower, listening to music in solitude, staring quietly at the distant sun or typing in this computer, these are all times of solitude, of being one with my thoughts. Plentiful has been my days of going out this month and for that reason I haven’t been able to expand upon my knowledge of the mind a great deal. Thus, I will in these next few days take more time off for myself, so this Diary can benefit greatly and my sole pool of thought can increase.
Where the Sonnets Went
Caressing these pages of knowledge and practical chronology have been that of my thoughts and remembrance. As you might have noticed, in these past few days (Possibly over a week) of chronology and in the positive aspect of my mental cycle I have not claimed one scrap of poetical rhyme. Blaming this blatant misuse of my Diary as a poetical stronghold on my lack of alone time, I shall render this problem forthwith.
There is only but a week and a bit of this month left and I know that by the end of this month I will at least one more Sonnet enrich upon these pages. Thoughts for Sonnets have not been coming to my mind whatsoever and after a flurry of poetical reform in the earlier stages of this month, poetry has been sparse. These days of companionship are the culprits that let me not type a decent night’s worth of chronology.
These days of friendships and meeting acquaintances shall beveled make of this Diary, that the both of them fight over companionship or mind’s solitude. There can never be only one in my life and the perfection comes when these two contrasting forces are brought in harmony of each other, faultlessly bestowed upon either side, both equally sought.
The Anniversary Fell Flat
The awaited day is over, that of the 21st and I feel that it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. Lyssa commented today that with each passing night we were growing more distant with each other. There is a truth in that despite me giving Lyssa a Nintendo as a present today and always seeming to celebrate our getting together on the 21st but those celebrations have been becoming more bleak.
Sure today I went out of my way to give Lyssa a gift she always wanted but her reaction was just slightly better than the squabbling before Lyssa made it to my house and then the lack of thankfulness shown. Although Lyssa looked thankful by giving me spontaneous hugs and kisses throughout the day and in how we’d enjoyed playing the Nintendo but Lyssa didn’t actually thank me. Regardless of this lack of melodrama our night turned out to be good.
My Odd Arrangement With Lyssa
Thinking upon my relationship with Lyssa right now and that of my friends and acquaintances, I would say it was nearest to perfect. Despite Lyssa not going out with me, I feel this lack of obligation owed to Lyssa and these sexual endeavors every weekend is just enough sexual activity granted. When I was going out with Lyssa my friends didn’t like hanging out with me because they didn’t know how to react but now that Lyssa is no longer in the picture (By that I mean they don’t see her anymore) their friendship is also adherent.
Thus, my casual relationship with Lyssa (Even though we call each other everyday on the phone) is loose enough for my friends not to feel intimidated and for that reason I have the best of both worlds. Acquaintances come over whenever they feel the need and because Lyssa isn’t going out with me anymore I feel priority can now be divided. There are days when I will favor my friends coming over and Lyssa will know about it and days when I favor Lyssa coming over my house but that is usually when my friends aren’t aware of her coming over.
Keeping Lyssa concealed from my cynical acquaintances is the key to keeping them both in the picture, without one getting intimidated by the other. However, Lyssa is usually the one I let down in this concealment process in the likes of hanging up on her quicker when my friends are over or shunning her on the weekends when my acquaintances have invited me out. Being able to stare at other women while amongst my friends and beside Lyssa makes it more of a perfect world.
You could say that Lyssa is allowing me to get away with this perfect world by sticking around in my life instead of getting out of it ages ago but, it takes the both of us to prolong a fading relationship and ebbing friendship. Lyssa used to weigh me down with obligations and commitments where we tried to see each other every chance possible and that stopped me from doing things I wanted to do, like the Gym. Before ending this paragraph, I will note another benefit.
The chance of Lyssa liking one of my friends is now an impossible nightmare as she is nonexistent to them as they never see her. This distance kept from my acquaintances and my past girlfriend shows there can be no more deceiving lusts like Tatton and Shawn had for Gianna and how I suspected Lyssa had for Imad.
A Dream of Dominic
Philosophy has now been spoken regarding relationships and common conduct within my life, now let us talk of my visionary beliefs. Before speaking of that let me just note that I finally remembered a dream I had of Lyssa last night. Upon waking up I remembered I dreamed a dream I was just inside some doors of a school type building and Dominic walked up to Lyssa and started harassing her. Being pinned on the wall by him with his hand up above her holding her in relentlessly I noticed this and marched straight up to him.
Pulling him away from her and grabbing his hands from the back in a hold I turned him around and started yelling at him doing a lot of finger pointing. Backing off Lyssa and I walked outside together and the rest of it is a bit blurry but this part of the dream I’ve had once before.
There was some sort of fight outside on the school yard and it was all weird. The camera angle in my mind could see two guys close up arguing and about to throw punches and me walking down a long stretch in the distance. Just imagine a hallway with the camera on one end (On the right side corner), the two fighting dudes a meter or so from the camera and me walking into the shoot from the distance. The camera speed was normal until I started to see danger in the confrontation.
Reaching a very fast camera speed my walking was up to the two quarreling people under a flat second and once there with one ready to hit the camera jumped straight into slow motion. I know, it’s all weird but I’ve had that dream once before.
My Alien Theory of Humanity
Now, getting to my visionary beliefs, I have a thought of how Earth and humanity came to be on our planet. Originally this planet Earth was dominated by dinosaurs and they were the rulers of this planet. If you can imagine mankind being aliens on their own planet then you can grasp my philosophy. Deep in space somewhere on an uncharted planet far away there was a civilization that would have been similar to human’s of the stone age.
There is a planet similar to Earth in this great universe of ours and there did breed a civilization more evolved than ours. Now there are two possibilities for these that we would call aliens but they both start with them depositing their mankind onto Earth which we would now call primitive man. The first possibility is that they were on the verge of extinction themselves, be it from a meteor or any other astronomical event that could cause global extinction.
Thus, they bred a special species of their mankind and sent them to the land we now call earth. However, with their capacity of science and knowledge they found a way to create an extinction to the primitive dinosaurs that wouldn’t have known what hit them. Either a huge meteor shower or degradation of the atmosphere’s dependability. The second possibility is that they created a special breed of their own mankind and after making Earth an extinct and unthreatening planet, they inhabited it with these guinea-pigs.
Earth to these new inhabitants was a place of discovery and even now, we are probably being prodded and tested for our results. This can probably be seen in the mass of people that say they have been taken into space-crafts where they were examined. Thus, aliens could be our forefathers or our creators, either way, I feel we were placed here on this planet by them for study or for survival. The reason we haven’t found any evidence of such is because the intellectual aliens left no clues and no memories in these primitive forms of their alien life.
We are to them a study of evolution, so they can see how quickly their breed can evolve and if evolution is as grand in scale as what we call our alien predecessors. Therefor, the reason we never get visited by aliens is that we are their guinea-pigs and that visit would disrupt our meaning of life and our strive for evolution, it was divide and cause panic in people. This belief that aliens are indeed our forefathers or breeders and that they did place us upon this Earth is one that I firmly believe.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
