Grieving Jewell Then Losing at Madden (Part 2) – Mad Chaos: February 22, 1999

Heading to Bed Early

Time has been drifting as I had started on this entry and I believe that I won’t even get to dip into chronology of Saturday night tonight. Therefor, because I am getting tired and the time is 4:00 a.m. I must get myself to sleep and wake up early for Campbelltown and then the Gym. It’s funny how I’m sleepy though because I had a one hour sleep while Lyssa was at my house for Sunday night but I guess with only five hours of sleep where I woke up early on Sunday morning, it equals out. So, I must in the name of sleep deprive myself of these thoughts and dream of them more in my solitude of slumber.

Monday 9:17 p.m.

Jewell and the Lost Years

Treacherous is lust that has scorned Jewell from my life and made a sin of the past. But, as I sit here tonight, broad in my beliefs and true to my heart, I cradle that which makes me remember the past in my arms, and I grieve for it.

All these times that I’ve talked about Jewell after the lost years and how it has been of lust, the truth has been embellished to please the future of what I am now. Listening to the CD that I gave Jewell tonight I hear the love in each song, not the lust, not the obsession, but the crying out of my emotions and my hand outstretched but never reached. Jewell is now gone a second time from my life but I truly believe that there will be another time in the future where we will once again meet and associate with one another.

It’s hard to talk about Jewell with a clear mind because there were so many emotions and feelings crammed into such a short space of time. Emotionally I was bombarded and mentally I was drained in both good and bad circumstances and now after the lost years I have recovered most of my senses but the memory still drains me from time to time. This is one of those times, where I look back upon the past and know that the lost years are just that but not forgotten.

I wonder sometimes what Jewell is doing, what she is doing at this precise moment and if she still thinks about me. There come times when I hope I will see her again so this chapter of my life will never cease to exist upon building upon itself. Deep in my heart, I know that Jewell could have been the best thing for me and to have had the chance of true love within my grasp and then as quickly out of it, that is the most tragic.

A Crowded Room Someday

Yesterday’s embrace of the past as in the lost years brought upon me this much needed healing of my emotions. Such is the past, that it will build a nest of knowledge and emotional stability for the future and then for that future whence present, to break that stability and remember the past. The stability hasn’t been broken as I am keeping these thoughts truly to myself, to my Diary but shedding a tear as I listened to this CD and the truths within, I realized the harshness of reality.

There will come a time in the future when Jewell and I will once again meet, seeing each other across a crowded room. Months back I would tend to say that I would ignore her but now, as loneliness encrypts my thoughts of Jewell, I believe that we will both approach each other. There was no last goodbye between us and for that we need a last hello.

To seek Jewell out would be immoral and wrong but I feel that when she turns eighteen on the second day of April this year, we will start seeing each other at nightclubs. In a way, I hope that she will see the picture that Everett took of me when I was at Chevy’s and if that picture comes to her hands, I hope she will think of me as I have of her. Life is good right now, but with this memory of Jewell still plaguing me, you have to think by now that there was something between us and we both felt it to be attached for so long afterwards.

Before I leave my thoughts now I take myself back to a memory I had tonight when I was going out with Jewell. There was a night probably after our first kiss where we lay on a blanket out in my backyard. Darkness ensued but our emotions were lucid towards each other as we gazed together upon the wishful stars. That moment to me seemed as glorious as the stars we were glancing upon and yet, these are the memories that make my days less glorious and my hopes of emotional freedom less glamorous.

Madden Rental Night Begins

Clearing my mind now and taking a sighing breath of release I shall unto chronology divert my attention. Starting now with Saturday night and again, after my visit to the Gym I shall now chat of the adventure at home. The time arrived near to 6:30 p.m. that Saturday and as it did Shawn and Tatton came over. There was no real purpose of them coming over except to bum around but as we started playing cards I mentioned it would be a good idea for the night if we rented out Madden 99 for my Nintendo and played it.

This seemed like a viable option for the night as we weren’t too certain of what else we could do. Shawn and Tatton were both hungry and they were heading out to get some Pizza and considering a Nintendo night a good idea I gave them some money to rent out the game. For that hour that the both of them were gone I planted some more thoughts into my Diary, just enough to finish a chapter in my day’s workings.

Nearing 8:30 p.m. Shawn and Tatton arrived back at my house and as they did they brought Madden 99 and two controllers from Tatton’s house. Setting up the Nintendo and placing the cartridge within it we began our adventure into Madden for the next hour or two. Too much of a good thing is bad but in this case it become boring.

Tatton Gets Stuck on a Hill

With this newfound boredom in our favorite game and Shawn and Tatton angry that they were getting beaten by the computer and I wasn’t, we headed for Campbelltown. The first place we sought to head for was the dirt track where we were rally driving a day or two beforehand. Shawn being the working hand of Tatton’s mind persuaded him to let him do some more rally driving and because Tatton does anything Shawn says these days, he allowed it.

There we were tearing up the track with me in the backseat getting thrown around as they were. Once to the other side Tatton had his turn on the track but it was more hilarious than I had thought. Once again Tatton was dissident in his driving skills and for that he was driving like an old man or a person scared of his own actions.

Out of his fear Tatton took a wrong turn near the start (Impossible to do really) and for that he took us up a steep hill that we got stuck on. Stalling the car and getting us caught in some long grass Shawn had to jump in and take over. When all was sorted out Shawn drove back down the hill and roared once again through the course. I was thinking of asking for my own turn in the dust ridden track but I never got that chance. Before I could say anything we were headed out of there, I felt cheated.

Pizza Hut Window Shopping

Driving to Pizza Hut we ordered two pizzas where four Maxibon ice-creams came with it. While waiting the three of us chucked around a gridiron ball that Shawn had brought with him and walking to the intersection where I could see Chevy’s my eyes were having a feast. Standing there by myself I felt unsettled being casual on the corner but the women I did spy, they were glamorous.

Making my way back to Shawn and Tatton I said, “We have to go clubbing next weekend” because I was starting to miss all the vibrant faces and beautiful bodies. These clothes that I’ve bought with the ‘Gas Station’ tag on them still have to be worn out and I look forward to the day that this happens. Sitting on the seats outside of Pizza Hut we waited for a while and when they failed to inform us about the Pizza’s being ready Tatton walked in asked and then collected them. Pizza Hut, full of pipe dream experts and people of no hope in life’s adventures.