Where My Poetry First Woke Up (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: December 15, 1998

Lyssa’s Taxi Call Home

Well, I’ve just had myself a shower and brushed my teeth in this time after such a long entry. It’s been at least half an hour since I’ve put my finger upon one of these buttons but be sure I’ll be touching a few hundred before I drift off tonight. Still I have to speak of Sunday night as I have already mentioned Monday to it’s fullest. I’m not sure if I mentioned that Lyssa called me after getting home last night but I’ll mention it now.

Last night which was a couple of hours ago now Lyssa caught her taxi home and once coming home she gave me a call. Lyssa informed me that there was a lady in the front seat of the taxi and that worried her a bit. Lyssa was thinking that if they tried to do something to her she would be overpowered so she thought to take down their taxi number. Usually it is situated near the steering wheel with the picture of the driver and his name but it was covered with a piece of cardboard, only that.

Lyssa was a bit scared and suspicious but they did drop her off without any hassles. Lyssa just thought she would call to inform me of that and also that she had a good time at my house a couple of hours ago. The time was nearing 11:00 p.m. and Lyssa decided to get to sleep so I asked her not to call me before 2:00 p.m. tomorrow even if I will be awake.

When My Poetry Began

It is here in this fresh new start in my Diary that I will let my thoughts and philosophies take precedence over my chronology. My philosophy tonight is about the dawning of my poetical days and the discovery of when it actually began within my mind. To my recollection the very first song I ever wrote was while I was working at Ashfield with Frank or maybe even before that but I believe it was during my working with Frank as it was computer printed. Before then I had no recollection of making music let alone poetry, I pretty much didn’t know what I wanted.

All I knew was that I was good at playing the piano. Actually, my first songs were made when I was still in Year 11 when I bought my electric keyboard piano. Apart from making the long epic ballad sort of like tubular bells in its style I made a song before that with the lyrics “I wanna hold you till I die, until we reach the end of time” or something on the lines of that. Since these prehistoric songs and my epic tubular bell ballad I came to my first printed song called ‘Thank You’ as I’ve noted.

Jewell and My First Words

My poetical side didn’t start coming out until my feelings were allowed to be unleashed. That is until I started finding my first love. Before Jewell I had written epic letters to girls such as Kathryn, Linda (From back in year 8) and the other Linda that Felicity knows from Keith’s street but none were poetical.

Rather, I remember in my poems that I was trying to be sophisticated with the words that I chose and I loved writing long letters. Now I realize that quantity wasn’t important, it was the age old quality and even though I feel that it had both you could drown yourself in my pages. Nope, Jewell was my first unbridled love or shall I say now, a lust gone wrong.

If it wasn’t for her casually saying that she never receives much letters I wouldn’t have sent my letter to her and if it wasn’t for the tremendous lustful love I was feeling towards her I wouldn’t have written her poetry. Luckily I didn’t write her ten pages of boring nothing as that would have completely turned off. No, luckily I had matured in my approach by then and for the first time I wrote purely from my heart, not from what I wanted them to hear.

Two Lines of Genius

‘If this is a dream I chose to stay awake, if this is reality, then I must be dreaming’. Those were my timeless first words spoken in poetry and so meaningful they were to all who had read them. And to me, the truth to top of such a masterpiece of words forever etched from my mind to paper were ‘Words mean nothing without expression’. And to express your thoughts from your mind into texture and express them philosophically, that was my masterpiece made a reality.

To this day I still believe that my first words of inspiration have been my greatest and most understood. Most either branch off that first spur of genius, most fail in comparison, most are more advanced in knowledge but none can top my first glorious words etched from my mind. Since then I wrote in letter form to Jewell the last few days that we were together and I think one poem but not merely as diverse in such a short spoken word than my first poem. My first poem said it all in just two lines of poetry, the rest take much more.

Poems Lyssa Did Not Quite Hear

Since my poetry ceased with Jewell I was lonesome with my thoughts knowing someone had to hear my mind and it soon came in the form of Lyssa but sadly I feel that my ideas and poems even though powerful were not met with the same enthusiasm by the recipient. Sending those poems to Lyssa made me feel better for finally being able to unleash my thoughts and poetry to the one I loved but it wasn’t good enough because I felt that Lyssa didn’t understand them as much as she did appreciate them. That is probably why I sent my next letter to Jewell but it is not the reason I wrote it.

Jewell had nothing to do with me writing my next poem that I now call ‘Dawn-Tinted Love’ which has been so rightly named as the mood and wrongful sending reflects to the blood red sky produced by the dawn sun. This song was created in my second job at Martinson Engineering where I also created a large amount of new lyrical songs. These lyrical compositions came to be with me by my very first song being ‘How Do I Tell You’ and after that a horde of songs just came to mind for me to remember.

Until this day I remember the lyrical content and the melodic flow of all songs. In the time that I was employed with Martinson Engineering being three months or less I wrote over ten songs to credit my name. This time with Martinson Engineering I was busy writing songs, writing poetry for Lyssa and one off poem for Jewell along with working my regular job if there ever was one. As much as I did work there slaving myself for them I would like to think that they were funding the ground workings of an influential mind in the music industry, only time will tell.

Old Work Seems Outdated

The poetry that I was writing for Lyssa and the songs that I was producing to me seem outdated lyrically to what I am capable of now but even now when I look upon my latest works they look old and I’m not that content with them.

At least when I look back upon my poems back in the day when I wrote to Jewell, Lyssa or any of my songs I appreciate them for what they are because they came out of rational inspiration that seemed irrational at the time as the thoughts came from no where. But, as I’ve stressed before, the best thoughts are those thoughts that are blank when you start writing on paper and still blank when you read upon that paper.

When your mind is at ease and has no thoughts those are the best times to write as your free flow can come out. That happened when I wrote poetry or my songs, they just came out so fast with only a thought in my head to start with. My best works are my very first poem and then ‘Dawn-Tinted Love’ which was so uncalled for and written as if with blank ink onto blank paper, dawdling with my eyes closed only to create a masterpiece once open.

Chasing Thoughts of Jewell

Near the end of Lyssa and I my thoughts were drying up for her and wrongfully my best work came with thoughts upon Jewell. That is how I created my next masterpiece not only of sight and words but of vision and tone. Ending my relationship with Lyssa I found it against my best interests to release this new masterpiece, to once again gratify my soul with understanding. Alas, my words were not heard in the proper sense they would normally have been. I had been duped but now I feel that deaf ears and tight eyes did keep the fantasy rightfully out of reality and with our eyes closed it even blew off.

Thus, my heart wasn’t heard and with that final rejection I was forced into a state of re-gathering. It was in this stage that I realized my intentions were wrong and I could argue this next point on both sides of the fence but my sending Lyssa a CD could have been seen as compassionate or unlawful. Either I wanted someone to appreciate what I was doing in the right way or I had finally seen what I was doing wrong and sought out on a new adventure of love and regret.

Poems Start Creeping Out

The time after Lyssa and I broke up my modern poetry of today began creeping out from underneath the cracks in my mind. Finally my vision had been noticed and with the help of this Diary I was finally using my mind to good use with good tools. If it hadn’t been for a computer in all these instances apart from my first ever letter I would never have been such a talent as I am now. Lucky for computers and lucky for me being a whiz on one in more ways than one.

These latest poems have been spawned on by many things. Some are realistic to my reality about life and love, some are about earth’s elements and their similarities to humanity and some of them are epic tales lived in short stanzas. It is here that I bring my adventure to a halt, it is here that my poetry in words in my Diary and out holds compassionate grounds. It is here that I stand on my feet, knowing exactly what my words are capable of instead of guessing or placing them into curiosity’s hand.