This month has been of no glory, based upon confusion and false hope. Last night was a small battle won but nothing to justify or define as a step in any direction. Rather, last night fate stopped the world for Lyssa and I where we took that advantage upon us and with fate we had an extravagant and seductive night, just the two of us and our feelings. Although last night did eventuate into false hope for me I don’t regret doing it but I do regret feeling bad after because of all the emotions I showed to Lyssa.
For some time I thought that Lyssa and I would get back together after we put the past behind us and be together, maybe even forever. But now that’s not to be and I know it would be better to let Lyssa move on and for me to move on. So from my next girlfriend… let me see what I would like and then let’s see what I actually settle with. Sometimes less of a good thing is a good thing so next girlfriend, don’t get that upset. Foremost, I would like someone that loves me enough to show it, someone who likes R & B as much as I do, no one vain with themselves and public appearances like Penelope is. Someone content with being quiet at the right times and not one to brag or bitch about a relationship. Someone who appreciates what I give to them the way I appreciate giving it, someone who is fairly attractive (And I know you’re probably like every other woman and saying to yourself “But I’m too fat so that doesn’t include me”). Someone that understands me and music, who will listen to me play piano and appreciate it, someone who will light up my face with their smile. Basically, someone who appreciates me for who I am, caring but weak, selfish but smart, ignorant but respectful and someone who can learn mistakes with the right person by their side.
Now I know that I am truly by myself with my hurt and feelings. No one can help me and I was selfish to anticipate that help from Jewell. I gathered that if I got together with Jewell then she would be the missing part that would put back together my life. With her I could look for a job, have motivation and achieve success. Then I thought to myself that if I got back together with Lyssa (Which I didn’t really think was going to happen but I thought that on Monday’s when she is free we could have looked for work together) the pieces of my life would once again be replaced and in order. But that’s not to be, Lyssa is too smart for that. Lyssa told me that I am the only one that can sort out my problems and now I know that’s true, no rides or help from people and no taking down anyone like Jewell did.
Last night the last thing Lyssa and I were talking about was Misty Moo and the song on the CD ‘You Remind Me Of Something”. With that in my mind I left for Campbelltown but let’s not start the chronology yet, let’s emulate some more thoughts. One of those thoughts that has been in my head for over one night and one that I was speaking roughly to Lyssa about is strengths that were within the triangle. Not discussing the triangle at all I basically thought this. Myself and my side of the triangle had the strengths and all are considered strengths even though they make one weak. Being weak and smart were the two strengths of my characteristics. Weak for having my mind (So valued in my life) bent to the will of people stronger than I am. Weak you might also say for giving Lyssa a CD as well as Jewell and getting to do what I did last night. Smart for the fact that I held such a secret from both ends of the triangle. Smart for turning one of my weaknesses into a stronger strength.
Jewell on the other hand, her strength characteristics were that of being strong and stupid. Strong for the fact that after all our conversation and wants, she could turn around and say no. Strong for the fact that she could tell me she didn’t believe me anymore. Although, stupid was Jewell for the fact she didn’t get together with me. Here is where her mind would have kept getting fulfilled and confusion and her false ability to be strong made her shy off. Jewell will probably be kicking herself one day and I hope that I never have to say the same about myself. But I am weak, trying to make my strength from weakness to be strong once again. Look at what I had to offer Jewell who’s mind I already owned. She was confused and unwilling so was I, unwilling and too smart to let her confusion drag on any longer.
Weak, Strong and Smart were Lyssa’s traits. Weak like me for wanting me back just after we broke up. Strong enough to break up with me but too weak to fully break it off with me and stop calling, stop caring and stop loving. Sure Lyssa moved on but I was still in the back of her mind. Lyssa was also strong for how she didn’t want a relationship from me after tonight but smart enough to make me feel better by hugging me and everything else that satisfied part of my love for her. Lyssa was also smart to think that I was having secret feelings for Jewell while we were going out, she was right but always kept it in the back of her mind. Lyssa told me that whenever I was calling Jewell, Lyssa’s face would be so grim for that night. So noticeable was this face that when Penelope came over at times she would take one look at Lyssa and say “Is Tony calling Jewell again tonight” without having to hear a word from Lyssa.
While I’m sitting here listening to songs fate is once again still singing its tune. Almost every song that comes onto my CD player from random picks is either from the CD I’ve given to Lyssa or from one I’ve given to Jewell. Fate was a big player last night. There were so much things that happened that didn’t have to happen or shouldn’t have happened but it did and Lyssa and I had a great anniversary.
Starting now with Chronology, let me begin with my walk to Campbelltown. Because I was meeting with Lyssa and anticipation was in my veins I was in a small hurry. Getting to Campbelltown the night had come early and day was dark. Jumping onto a train at Campbelltown I caught it to Leumeah and jumping off needed to use a phone. Walking around to the other platform I waited for three people to use the phone and then it was my turn. Informing Lyssa that I was now at Leumeah she was on her way to meet me.
Half way was where we were supposed to meet and as I was walking to Lyssa’s house, the CD in my jacket pocket and the ring in my finger I was pretty sure that I would be giving them to Lyssa the way I planned but boy, did plans change. In the dark I noticed a black clothed figure with blonde hair walking down but I thought to myself “That can’t be Lyssa”. The reason I thought that was that her walk wasn’t as elegant as Lyssa used to walk but rather it was bouncy and fast. Another was that this girl looked too gaunt. Closer came this figure and I knew it was Lyssa as she walked closer to me. Thinking that we would both stop and kiss on the cheek or something I basically had to catch up to her as she was still walking. That was my first reminder that things wouldn’t go to planned.
Seeing Lyssa for the first time in more than a month I noticed she had changed. The change was so different to what I’m used to seeing that I had seen Lyssa in a different light. Lyssa’s appearance didn’t attract me as much as I thought it would and as I thought I would, I was more quiet and shy. That’s a sad truth of seeing Lyssa again, I wasn’t attracted and I was disappointed enough to think that I should just go home because this was all a mistake. That thought wasn’t only because I wasn’t attracted to Lyssa as I was before but because I thought she was avoiding me. Luckily I didn’t carry on with that thought, lucky for fate.
Making our way to the train station we sat down next to each. For most of the time sitting next to Lyssa I wasn’t being myself, not as talkative or not of much action. Lyssa and I talked but I can’t remember the exact content of our conversation. The next train we caught was straight to Parramatta. Walking upstairs we sat down on a three seated next to each other. Still embarrassed somewhat Lyssa showed me the brochure for how she’s going to Bali with Nikita and told me that her dad is paying for the trip there on his true award points.
Not sure when or how but Jewell got into the conversation and Lyssa was saying “You’ll probably tell her when you go out with her” or something like that. That’s when my mind started to get confused and I knew that I wanted to tell Lyssa that I’ve brushed Jewell off but didn’t know how to go about it. Lyssa could see the confusion in my face but we both let it go as Lyssa told me some more about her Bali trip and her College assignment. For some of the time I was tuned off and then I asked “Why do you think Jewell and I still talk”. Lyssa said to me “Well you still do, I know you do”. That’s where more confusion set in because I never thought I would see the day where I would break Lyssa’s heart and telling her all the wrong I had done but without even knowing it, I was doing the right thing and trying to clear my conscience by suffering the consequences. For cheating on Lyssa I was willing to pay the price of being looked down on and finally, the truth was so right and not wrong.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
