Lyssa asked me why I don’t talk to her anymore and I told her because she ruined my life. Lyssa asked how she ruined my life and I basically told her because she helped break the two of us up. Lyssa’s face turned right then as she kept asking questions “What do you mean she split us up”. Pausing for such a long time I didn’t want to reveal such hurtful words but I found myself saying “When Jewell and I used to talk on the phone there were feelings there for each other”. Lyssa’s face once again turned as I tried to explain how it wasn’t like that for the whole of our relationship and it wouldn’t have happened if Jewell wasn’t so persistent in confusion. Noting that what I had with Jewell was all fantasy I noted how the time that Lyssa and I broke up was a time for me to fix my life up and here I have done it by breaking off all ties with Jewell.
Lyssa had hate in her eyes as they started to moisten. Nearing Parramatta by fate we both jumped up and Lyssa didn’t seem to want to walk with me, who would blame her. Here is her boyfriend for one year, both still had feelings with each other and then a bomb was dropped in the form of cheating over the phone. Asking “You don’t want to talk to me anymore do you” Lyssa said yes or rather nodded her head. So for most of the way to her College I was trying to explain myself and how I still loved her, that’s why I cared enough to tell Lyssa and why I was there for her.
Reaching the College Lyssa asked if I had feelings for Jewell and not being able to lie I told her that there were feelings there that hadn’t been finished. The feelings went away once I got with Lyssa and months into our relationship they were brought back by my weak nature and Jewell’s persistency. I should have listened to Lyssa every time she said “Doesn’t it tell you something how you always call Jewell but she doesn’t call you back”. I should have believed it but didn’t want to believe it because I didn’t want to lose the fantasy that was embedded within my mind. Lyssa got upset with what I had said and started to cry. Feeling bad for my actions already, now it had come to a new level and I was more angrier with myself for being so weak.
Lyssa walked around the corner to have a smoke and told me to leave her alone. Thinking I should give her some time alone I thought that my conscience was much more important and I had to clear myself with Lyssa and make her feel better rather than worse. Sitting right next to her I put up with Lyssa smoking in front of me. Lyssa had the right to smoke in front of me and as she told me, she could give up smoking for me but I couldn’t give up my old girlfriend and my feelings for her. I told Lyssa it was all my fault what I had done and that I was so selfish, weak, stupid and the rest of it. Lyssa started to shed a tear because now I was just like all the other guys, a prick. Lyssa told me she felt so stupid because now her friends are going to look down on her if they knew. When I told Lyssa that I basically sent Jewell on her way I noted that there was something that made me think that. Putting my hands into my pocket I pulled out Lyssa’s ‘Moon Ring’ and gave it to her. While she held the ring I said to Lyssa “I can’t believe I done this to you” I just couldn’t handle it anymore and started to shed my own tears. It was just too hurtful, looking into Lyssa’s eyes and knowing that I’ve tainted her life now. Lyssa thought I was a decent guy and all the time after we broke up she kept telling herself “There are good guys out there, I had Tony, he was one” but now it was all gone.
Sitting there trying to hide my tears, I guess Lyssa had seen I cared enough for what I was doing and asked a hug of me. Glad to give her one we both sat there in arms, crying for the same reason. Mine for stupidity and Lyssa’s for my stupidity. Not everything was told to Lyssa mainly because she didn’t ask but by the aggressive way she asked her questions and in the manner she took the issues I knew she would hate me and never speak to me again if I told her more. More as in the CD that I sent to Jewell or the letter that I sent to her, even though the letter meant nothing but words and the CD wasn’t sent until Lyssa and I broke up. Lyssa and I kept hugging each other and Lyssa knew how much I cared for her, I Loved her so much.
Walking around to the front of the College we waited there for her teacher to come out because the doors were locked and she couldn’t go in, only out. Sitting there Lyssa told me that all the time she was with me she never looked at anyone else in that way and that made me feel more like shit. The time I thought she liked Jermaine or even Braxton, I was wrong and wrong to do what I had done. Lyssa was now alright somewhat and was pushing me around being sarcastic. This is where I started to notice that Lyssa was only using my presence for the night, or am I wrong to say that.
Sitting near the entrance is when I told Lyssa that I had something for her but I didn’t know if it was right to give it to her. Also I told Lyssa it was with fate that so much things happened for us to be together for the night. Lyssa didn’t see the importance but then I asked her “What is today”. Lyssa then clicked to understand that it would have been our one year and three month anniversary. Lyssa gave me a hug for that reason because she had no idea. Lyssa asked what it was and hiding the true meaning of my sentence I said “It comes right from here” and tapping my hand on my Chest where my heart is I said “It comes from my heart”. Of course, I meant it comes from inside my pocket, the CD. Lyssa didn’t catch on but now she knew that I had a present for her. Before in the night I told Lyssa that I didn’t think I could send another CD to someone else because I thought it would be using someone else’s idea but I would do it for Lyssa because I loved her so much. Lyssa didn’t know what I had for her and finally I told her it was in my pocket. Lyssa tried to snatch in out of my pocket with a curious smile on her face but I wouldn’t allow her to have it.
Her College teacher was coming out about this time and so Lyssa handed in her assignment and was told she had to pick up her next assignment today. Lyssa almost didn’t go to College today because she was too tired and wanted to stay home (I would like to think because of me). Saying goodbye to her bitch ass teacher we made our way back to the station and on our way home. Lyssa wanted to see what I had in my pocket but I told her I would give it to her on the train. Standing at Parramatta train station Lyssa asked some more questions about what I had for her and I told her that it was indeed a CD.
Jumping onto the train we sat on the seats closest to the doors and I told Lyssa I couldn’t give her the CD here because there were so much people around watching us. What is it with me and women. Whoever I am out with I always get stares from whoever and there were at least five people watching our moves. Lyssa had her hair back and was dressed in all black and didn’t have that much make up on but she did look pretty hot. Jumping off at Granville Station to wait for a Campbelltown train I told Lyssa I would give her the CD now. Asking Lyssa to close her eyes I took the CD out of my pocket and asked her to put her hands out. Placing her hands in the air and with her eyes closed I gave the CD to her hands and after a couple of seconds she grabbed it. Asking her to lift it slowly to her face I finally told her to open her eyes.
Lyssa’s reaction upon seeing my CD was astonishment and I had seen her jump back a meter. Her reaction was expected but I didn’t expect such a reaction. Lyssa was like “Oh, how did you… Oh my god you even… oh my… how did you do that… It’s Misty Moo”. All over excitement was given as she looked at the artwork and then she figured that the first song would be “You Remind Me Of Something”. The Moon Ring had been out since I had first showed it to her for the night as I held it to the CD. Lyssa was ecstatic about the CD and placing it back in her bag I told her to listen to the third song as it meant more.
Jumping onto the second train we were on our way back to Campbelltown and this time it was more intimate or understanding. As we talked and I made Lyssa understand my story she put her head on my shoulder and I, my head on hers. There we sat in arms, hugging each other as sympathy had encountered us. Lyssa told me that sometimes she hated herself for being so weak as she knew that even though I cheated on her in a way, she would probably call back in a weeks time anyway. But in a way, Lyssa told me it was good and that’s when I told Lyssa it didn’t have to be bad. Explaining to Lyssa that I stilled cared and loved her deeply I also told her that there would be no chance we could get back what we had. Lyssa and I have both moved on too far, Lyssa has her friends and so have I. That is the truth though, no matter how hard we try we can never get back the love we had for each other before. A second relationship wasn’t out of the question and it wasn’t impossible but we didn’t want one. I would be too worried about her friends and seeing her family and Lyssa would just be too busy.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
