Dreams of Trains and Hard Phone Truths (Part 2) – Mad Chaos: February 28, 1999

The Train Around the World

There’s a dream I once had a very long time ago and having it once again a couple of nights ago I thought to write it as it would make good fodder for my Diary and for people that will one day analyze who I was. This dream consists of a train line going all the way around the world, visiting millions of places but only going one way.

This train like apparatus was the only way to get from one place to another and if you stopped one stop too far from where you wanted to jump off you would have to travel all the way around the world before you got there. The places where you would stop would be like an empty acre of land where beyond it to the back would be lava like liquid or something that would forbid you from traveling off that land and onto another platform.

Thus, meeting people or traveling to a friend’s house would take a very long time and the trains would be seen as places of gathering. While on the trains everyone could meet different people and that’s how people would get married, converse and build new friendships. It all sounds too dreamlike and weird but it does make for a good spin off from reality.

An All Night Vigil

Moving right along in this, our last night of the month I must also note that tonight is a stay up all night kind of night. The reason for this predicament is that I forgot to hand in my form on Friday which I thought was a monthly form.

So now I await the morning rays so I can head out to the link and hand in this form. On the other hand, if they do by luck chance my keycard with my regular pay I will forget my trip to Campbelltown and get to sleep for a workout in the late afternoon. Either way I will have to stay up late because I know this Diary entry is going to be a long one indeed.

Skipping Counts Add Up

Now that my thoughts are out of the way let me now loosely to chronology adapt myself. Firstly, let me note about the skipping expedition I have taken upon and duly noted, on Friday night I sweated for twenty five minutes skipping 1000 times.

This was taken in increments of fifty or one hundred rotations but after the workout was complete I was in need of a light shower. On Saturday afternoon while I was waiting for Ralf to give me a call I also completed some more aerobic workout on the skipping rope. Doing 750 rotations I started once again to sweat and I am glad to note that with my going out on Saturday night and sweating on the dance floor I’ve lost a bit around my waist.

Lyssa Rings Early

Starting now with Friday, I was woken up firstly at 1:30 p.m. by Lyssa calling me. Being heaps tired I didn’t want to talk and rather, I shrugged Lyssa off from conversation and we hung up. Getting back to some R & R I didn’t wake up until the time neared 2:30 p.m. In this time I called Lyssa’s work to see if she was in but the person on Reception told me that she was at College.

“Would you like to speak to Penelope, she’s here” the girl said at Reception and knowing she knew that Penelope was Lyssa’s friend I gather she didn’t realize that I hated her guts. Not being able to call the College I just got back to sleep as I was rather tired. Half an hour passed and Lyssa called me back at 3:00 p.m.

Penelope's Mum Keeps Calling

Lyssa mentioned she was at home and asking how she got home so quickly from College and assuming she jigged Lyssa advised me that she didn’t go to College. While we were arguing the importance of Lyssa going to College and trying at least to get the credit she now won’t get the phone beeped for call waiting. Lyssa refused to answer it thinking it might be her mum so she waited until the person hung up and then told me she would call back upon finding out who it was.

Seconds later Lyssa called back informing me that it was Penelope’s house phone and Lyssa knew that Penelope’s mum wanted to come over to her house and use the phone to call oversees. Lyssa and I had another dispute about letting her come over to use Lyssa in that way but Lyssa noted that she wasn’t going to let her come over to use the phone because Lyssa isn’t sure if they will be getting charged anymore. My conversation with Lyssa lasted twenty minutes and in that time Penelope’s mum rang back at least five times. Talk about pushy and desperate to use Lyssa for her house’s gift.

Finally Speaking My Mind

Between the annoying beeping of Penelope’s mum constantly ringing on call waiting Lyssa and I talked about our Friday night that I promised to spend with her just a night before. With the fresh thoughts of me being pushed into a relationship with Lyssa that I just didn’t want I was a somewhat retaliated in my tone of voice. Asking me if the two of us were still heading to the movies I said to Lyssa that this would be fine.

There were no hiccups until Lyssa mentioned that she couldn’t sleep over my house and assuming that this meant Lyssa didn’t want to come to my house I uttered “That’s alright then, I’ll just go out with Ralf then”. This way I could satisfy both Lyssa by going out with her to the movies or dinner and I could stay truthful to my friends by going out and not disappointing them. Getting frustrated with what I had said Lyssa then remarked that she wanted to come over my house but she had to get back home because she had an appointment at the hairdressers the next morning.

With this vented anger from Lyssa and me once again feeling boxed in to satisfy Lyssa’s needs because I felt obligated to I started to break down the palings of the fence that covered my inner feelings. In the next half an hour I explained to Lyssa, revealing bit by bit how I felt boxed in and how my real friends are now more important to me than the relationship that I have with Lyssa. Stating that my relationship with Lyssa right now would not be enough to sustain my happiness I also asserted my feelings on Lyssa always making me feel bad when I don’t fulfill her wants every weekend.

I Wish We Were Back Together

During our hour long conversation while lying down on the floor with the blankets over me Lyssa started to get emotional with my outburst of feelings and in that emotion she uttered “I wish we were back together”. Choosing to pursue Lyssa’s thoughts upon this topic I found out that Lyssa wished we were back together and as I gathered, this trying to be with me every weekend, this trip to a hotel, this lingerie Lyssa wants to please me with, it’s all part of her trying to win me back.

“Doesn’t my being unfaithful mean anything” I remarked and all she could say in her tearful response was that I know I’ve done wrong and she forgives me for it. Lyssa’s real plight was uncovered in this whole conversation and I just couldn’t help but to realize that one of us was always opposing the other in feelings. There were times when I wanted to get back with Lyssa and she wouldn’t allow it and now, Lyssa wants to get back with me but I won’t allow it. Maybe it’s better that we both have antagonist feelings.

Afraid of Losing Friends

The subject of me losing my friends if I keep seeing Lyssa every weekend also popped up. Afraid that I would just fall into a trap and allow Lyssa to take me away from my friends every weekend was what I argued. What’s more, I was afraid that the cloud of secrecy that I would live under with Lyssa would also ruin me.

Lyssa tells her friends that she comes over my house and they all know that Lyssa is having sex with me but for some reason, my friends are all left in the dark. The reason I don’t tell me friends is because I don’t want to get back with Lyssa and I feel as if I would be letting them down a second time if I were to spend too much time with her and eventually get back with her.

If in any event I did get back with Lyssa she would be my only friend. My acquaintances of now will not understand and in their confusion and being uneasy around Lyssa they will soon fall off, one by one. Because I’m not friends with Ali and will never be Lyssa will be my only friend and I can’t live with that, I need to move on. On the other hand, Lyssa doesn’t care about telling her friends she still sleeps over my house because they all support her wanting to get back with me, something I don’t have from my acquaintances.

An Obscure Kind of Love

What I have now with Lyssa is an obscure relationship, obscure from the reality of love. Speaking of love, I haven’t said that I love Lyssa for months now, since our last conversation about that topic. I remember that night and I remember Lyssa saying “You know you don’t have to say I love you if you don’t mean it” and even though I said it so I wouldn’t upset Lyssa I stopped saying it after that.

Yes, I do love Lyssa but I don’t have the same love for her as day one or even the last day. Lyssa has lost some of my love because of our breakup, some more because I want to move on and the rest has been lost because of how Lyssa has been treating me since our break up. To speak truthfully we have been arguing less than when we were going out and I don’t believe that Lyssa and I have had an argument where she has had to go home from my house prematurely in a long time.

In the latter parts of our relationship days Lyssa and I didn’t fight at all, that was in the last three or four months. Things were looking good then but there was the thoughts in the back of our minds of a hidden secret, the both of us knew it and because of that we finally broke up. Lyssa doesn’t tell me she loves me any more either but she tells me that she misses me every now and again when we talk on the phone.

Seeing Each Other Moderately

At the end of our conversation Lyssa’s distraught behavior led her to believe that we were only going to talk to each other and not visit each other anymore. Telling Lyssa in our conversation that we shouldn’t see each other every week and that we should see each other moderately from now on she took that too deeply to her wounded heart.

The reason for this move of mine is so that we can put some space between us and give me some guilt free time on the weekends so that I can go out with my friends and not have to worry about Lyssa having a problem with it. I’m not a kept man but sometimes Lyssa acts like I am. Questioning me to find out if I wanted to talk to Lyssa moderately I was confused myself and didn’t want to give up what we already had.

For that reason I said “I don’t know” in an irritated way. If Lyssa and I were to slow things down I would rather it just happen instead of us having to go through the grueling mental struggle of talking about it first. This change will be brought forward in the new month and I foresee Lyssa backing off for a couple of weeks and then starting up into her tethering ways.

Despite my views of our future I know that Lyssa has stuck to her word in the past so maybe she will this one more time. Life without Lyssa is one that laments upon my heart to think of now but then again, I see a rainbow at the end of the road and amongst it is the gold I have always been awaiting. Thus, my mind asks do I stay with my strive or do I strive to reach past that opaque rainbow where the unforeseen awaits.