Playing Cold With Lyssa (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: January 26, 1999

A Foggy Head

I’m still fucked up when it comes to my mental and emotional capabilities. By that I mean that I can’t think straight, I’m emotionally unstable and my physical aspect is also nothing to be proud of. You would think that I was having a triple negative day for my biorhythm cycles and it does seem like that but I just hope these troubles of mine go away. You decide by this Diary entry if I am going downhill with part of my life or not.

By that I mean that Lyssa is now giving me the cold shoulder and that probably won’t make too much sense as I haven’t explained my conversation on Sunday night but that’s what I’m about to do. Once again I fear that I will be one day late in my Diary entries as there is plenty to write about and not enough time. By this I mean that Ralf wants to head out to the beach again tomorrow, more on that now…

Sunday Morning Phone Call

Now, straight to Sunday morning after that great Saturday night at ‘Waves’ is where I begin this tale. Everyday without fail I receive a call, be it from my friends or from one that calls me everyday, Lyssa. Sunday around midday Lyssa was the first to call me and her first question in my half asleep state was to ask if I had tried calling her the night before. Informing Lyssa that indeed would have been me Lyssa sounded emotionless and that I believed was due to my recent actions. Those recent actions that caused Lyssa to treat me so reserved was because of my feeling to the current situation.

In this mind frame I wouldn’t be able to explain in a proper fashion how to pee but I’ll give it a try. This whole situation has been brought upon because of what I always say, Lyssa keeps walking all over me. When Lyssa slept over and denied me oral sex breaking her promise in the process all those times that Lyssa took advantage of me had come back to mind. Putting all the times that Lyssa broke her promise, the times she made me angry and the apathy that she showed for my satisfaction, it was just too much to sustain anymore.

So for that reason I’ve told myself ‘Don’t ever do any more favors for Lyssa and don’t have sex because it’s unnecessary emotional torture’ and I have tried my best to stick to these guidelines I’ve set forth. For that reason the phone calls to Lyssa became brisk and barren of conversation, my tone changed and I didn’t treat Lyssa with the loving when she came to my house. Rather I was the cold and emotionless one when Lyssa came to my house and since that night I’ve denied heading over to Lyssa’s house for two nights.

No, I didn’t deny her but rather, I thought it in the best interests to stay home. That didn’t happen anyway, I had a great time on each night heading out with my friends and having fun. On Saturday night I of course headed to ‘Waves’ and for Sunday night Ralf and I watched a movie and then headed to Ettamogah Pub which is the new club in Macarthur Square. To say it is a club is wrong because they serve food there just like the food at Lonestar so they are more a restaurant that closes at midnight every night.

Gossip About Imad

Let me now just speak out of context here about something that I heard about Imad then let me include that in my philosophy. Keith told me a couple of days ago that Imad commented about his new sex life with Phoenix. Somehow, I gather that everyone resents Imad for who he is and that’s why they don’t want to touch Phoenix. It’s not only because he’s had sex with so many contaminated boxes but from his next quoted sentence I realize that they all resent him for being great sexually.

Imad said “If Phoenix thinks that just sitting there and watching me hump her is great sex she’s got another thing coming” and knowing Keith said he had some good sex with her and other people boasted about her being good, having their opinions put down by Imad’s larger appetite for sexual satisfaction is resent in itself. No one dares to cross Imad now and even speak to Phoenix because in a way they respect Imad more than they resent him. The respect comes from his being around and knowing plenty in the sexual category, the resentment comes from him taking away their prized trophy. Anyway, I’ve sidetracked there somewhat but I will now tell my part.

Weighing Up Lyssa

To me, in all the time’s I have had sexual experiences with Lyssa I would have to say that the most memorable would have been worthy of being better than good. There was a couple of times (Mostly in the operation of oral sex) where I have been incredibly treated but in my mind they are sparse.

Now to Lyssa, the most memorable sexual experiences in all the time we have been sexually active would probably rate no less than great give or take one or two times. The reason Lyssa would rate her sexual experiences greater than I is because I give my all to make sure Lyssa is satisfied and in truth, she gives back less most of the times. Now to defend Lyssa she is far better than what Imad would explain of Phoenix.

Lyssa moves around on occasion and she does get into the action on special nights but most of the times I have to take command, I have to teach her and instruct her how I want to be satisfied. That is by telling Lyssa to push up against me as I do upon her, or caress my skin in a sensual visceral manner in love and all other things that make my enjoyment more enjoyable. The bottom line is that effort in our sexual relationship was mostly culminated by me but to some discretion Lyssa did apply herself.

Cold Words on the Phone

Back now to the original story. Let me note that I woke up around 4:00 p.m. and after having something to eat and then a shower I decided to give Lyssa a call back. Upon answering the phone I was told that Penelope and Milton were over her house so I instantly let her go as I didn’t want to even think about the two of them. My most hated antagonists would be Penelope and Milton and then it would come down to Ali and Kieran.

Later in the day Lyssa decided to give me another call and this is when she started asking about my night in a polite manner. What I find surprising now is that Lyssa no longer seeks to ask about my possible frolics with girls while I’m out, I guess she believes I don’t have enough opportunity. Supposedly Penelope had left and Milton was supposed to be over Lyssa’s house but it sounded like he also left.

Lyssa asked me if I could come over to her house for a while. When I informed Lyssa that I didn’t want to walk all the way to Lyssa’s and then back home so she tried to sugar coat it by saying she will cook me dinner and give me a massage. I know not to trust Lyssa’s word as far as I can throw it now because on many occasions it hasn’t even gotten off the ground.

Lyssa then asked me if I could sleep over her house for the night and once again I informed Lyssa that I didn’t want to make the trek and that I had to focus on the gym for the next day. Lyssa started getting upset because I wasn’t speaking with much emotion or care in my voice. “You sound so angry with me, what have I done to you” Lyssa asked but I revealed nothing.

“I must have done something so bad but I can’t think what, tell me” Lyssa pleaded. An argument was not the way to take the conversation and in my mentally blocked state I didn’t want to get into a heated discussion where I would have to explain why I felt such a way. Lyssa started to cry when I continually told her I couldn’t come over and when I finally informed her that I was leaning more towards not heading over.

Keeping My Resolve

Lyssa just wanted to know the truth but I’m afraid that the truth will hurt her too much. Rather, I will just play out my instinctive actions. These past few days that I have been passionless to Lyssa’s needs, I will pursue. These past few days that I haven’t abided by Lyssa’s rule, I will pursue.

These past few days that I have spaced myself from Lyssa in order to have more fun without feeling guilty, I will pursue… Lyssa and I ended our conversation abruptly because I wouldn’t head over to her house and even though she was upset and pissed off I tried not to take it to heart and come running to her once again. In reality, where Lyssa is not my concern as she is not my girlfriend anymore I shouldn’t have to care less and I shouldn’t have to be pressured into satisfying Lyssa by sleeping over her house. But this is reality and in this reality Lyssa has made those surreal asks what is existent now…