Feeling Shortchanged
Let’s speak for a second now about Lyssa’s insecurity. In the past couple of months after our break up and probably in the ending days of our relationship Lyssa wasn’t giving her outmost effort into our sexuality and blatantly I would stick my neck out to say she was being selfish.
There I was doing as much as I did and still doing as much as I can do to make Lyssa have her best orgasm, most of the times more than once. For Lyssa I give her oral sex, I allow her to control our sexual moments, I let her on most occasions fix what position she wants to be in, I give all of me to her, I use my fingers, I use it all to stimulate Lyssa in all possible aspects of sexuality.
When you think about her stimulation towards me over the years what has been the most momentous for me. Lyssa used to give me oral sex, she used to let me have my positions, my extra insertions, my way and sometimes she even let me have an odd video, some extra lingerie or by mistake my finest hour where she ate part of me. Now I’m lucky if Lyssa touches me with her hand on most night’s of our pleasure.
Things I Never Said
There have been nights in the past couple of months where I would give all out pleasure to Lyssa and in return she would turn over at the end of her orgasms and want to have a smoke ending our pleasure. I would want to cry “Wait, what about me, I want to explode, please let me” but alas, I didn’t speak out and that churning tension inside turned into arguments later in our life.
Our last sexual encounter Lyssa was ready to do the same and forget completely about my sexual needs but if it wasn’t for me sticking my neck out as I usually don’t do I wouldn’t have received anything. Lyssa’s stopped wanting to touch me down there, to stroke me on occasion and she despises oral sex and doesn’t even like to make me go off with any of her exertion like using her hand.
Instead, Lyssa favors just lying back and as usual, letting me do all the work even in my pleasure. And there would be times after Lyssa and I had sex where I didn’t get to go off where she would ask me “Was it good for you” or somewhat the same sort of question. To be nice and not to start fights I would note it was good for me when I should have said “Nope, I enjoyed it for a little while but because you haven’t attempted to finish me off it’s gone down hill.” If I told you the truth you would bathe in your insecurity.
Cold Shoulders in the Department Store
Walking out of the Chemist, Lyssa still being angry about my comment on her hair we made our way up through Grace Bros. Looking for her brother’s present. While there Lyssa would make a comment here and there about her ‘Bland Hair’ in comments that didn’t even speak of hair. Lyssa wanted to make a point she was angry with what I said but I was making my point that Lyssa had to be told once in a while.
I didn’t stop at enlightening Lyssa upon that fact but I also asked Lyssa to stop acting like she was a princess where she was Mrs. Perfect. Everyone at work treats Lyssa like a princess, her friends think she was the little girl robbed of her virginity and all the guys including me at first knew Lyssa as the virgin princess.
Sure I would bear with Lyssa’s insecurities and calm her by lying, but I didn’t have to back in the day because Lyssa was much the beauty and still holds most of that even though the princess theme has gotten to her mind. The affection Lyssa receives is coated with candy every day and for Lyssa to hear someone speak that she isn’t perfect ruins her image and makes her insecure. That’s not the only time I’m going to speak out when I know there is a fault as Lyssa does it to me all the time and seems not to worry about the effects.
The Christmas Present Row
Walking to a hair stylist right near Lyssa’s work she bought some hair straightening cream for when she curls her hair this weekend. From there we were heading to the station but because Lyssa promised we would head back to Hound Dog so I could show her the bra we did. Once there I showed Lyssa the bra and underwear set and she told me she adored it. That’s when the idea of buying it for Lyssa’s Christmas present came up, Lyssa mentioned it.
Being only $50 I would like to invest that money into my future satisfaction with this lingerie. Other uses are obviously wearing it to the beach but I’m not sure if Lyssa will take it that far, it certainly would fit comfortably. Walking out of the store Lyssa told me that she would also buy me something for Christmas and suggesting the pants and shirt we had seen at Hound Dog Lyssa hissed in her reproach placing in our hands the argument that it cost more than my present.
Stopping my mind in its tracks I failed to hear Lyssa’s indecent greed and selfish talk. Lyssa felt robbed that I would like for her to give me a Christmas present that would cost only $30 more than mine and I’m sure if it cost less than my present she would have no problems with it.
Last Christmas I bought Lyssa her skirt and I’m not sure what she bought for me if anything but I remember we were having a fight that day and I made up with her. I’ve always thought that the money from her job got to her even from the first stages of her job and I know I’m right, Lyssa is money hungry. On top of that Lyssa had trouble handing me over $2 today because I would have needed it for a bus but rather will use it to make the amount for Gym tomorrow.
Who Spends on Who
After handing me the money she asked minutes later “Didn’t you have money to show the train guard” and after that I told her what it was for. In the whole time that Lyssa’s had her job she has never bought me any clothing of any sort, she definitely doesn’t know my sizes and she’s never assisted me in any way for my financial troubles.
To Lyssa, my troubles were my troubles and even when I asked her ages ago to help me pay my Credit Card since she was one of the reasons why I used it she didn’t give me a cent. In her defense Lyssa has spent amounts of money for the both of us heading to dinners and at times she has paid for hotel rooms and she has exceeded what I had done for her in money to an extent but that gives her no reason to be so scrooge about it.
Anyway, we had a little argument about the fact that she wouldn’t want to spend more on a present than me even taking into consideration my current situation. Anyway, I know I will buy Lyssa something for Christmas and on top of that I’m going to send her something no one else can give her. Once again I will send Lyssa my mind in poems but these will be more existent and special as I feel they are more loving in nature.
A Gift From the Mind
Over time I’ve always had thoughts about treating Lyssa good with presents and giving an example I was thinking of buying her a radio and placing the CD in it with a letter I have already written in this Diary two months ago. That plan fell through mainly because Lyssa didn’t sound too keen when I worked it discreetly into conversation so instead I will now buy her lingerie. How much times has Lyssa had these ideas in her mind, to surprise me with a gift just because she feels the love.
I don’t need inspiration to make a special day out of any day as I have done it in past days. I’ve never known once for Lyssa to have surprised me with any sort of present other than sexuality which is a gift in itself. I would like for Lyssa to surprise me one day with a present that I wasn’t expecting just because of her love for me but it didn’t happen and it’s not going to happen, ever.
Gum on the Train Home
Coming home on the train we sat in the end seats once again facing everyone. Somehow I can’t seem to escape the peril of these seats on any train. Our conversation was flowing and we were having fun for a while until it turned when Lyssa said “Hey you have bad breath.” That didn’t bother me at all as I asked Lyssa to give me some chewing gum from the fresh three pack she had just bought.
Beforehand I had taken two and Lyssa didn’t seem to care but in spite of the fact that Lyssa had three full packets she decided to be rapacious by handing me one. As I asked for another Lyssa became defensive and taking it to another level Lyssa said “Penelope taught me never to give more than one piece of chewing gum out.”
That angered me in that Lyssa talked about Penelope in spite and to get at me so I told her “Did I want to know that” in sarcasm. Turning her eyes to face me and with a grin on her face Lyssa then whispered to me “I don’t care, that’s why I said it.” That pissed me off as I made a joke about Lyssa’s bland hair and her need to dye it and with that Lyssa drew her last straw and told me to piss off.
A Quiet Ride to Leumeah
Conversation was quiet for almost the rest of the trip home but Lyssa asked if I was going to stop at Leumeah with her and I told her no unless she felt differently. Some words were shared for the next couple of stops as people started jumping off the train and when Lyssa arrived to Leumeah she thanked me for a good night and was then on her way downstairs.
Standing to head down there myself Lyssa’s voice sounded rather unchanging and cold and feeling that I would be uninvited creating a situation I kept myself upstairs. Watching Lyssa make her way out I noticed she didn’t look back my way so she was either pissed off or she loved herself, take your pick.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
