We Tore Up the Forgotten Years (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: November 23, 1998

Diary Fatigue Sets In

Phew, writing in this Diary becomes more tiresome as time goes on. Writing in this Diary is becoming a hassle only for the fact that I write with such solemnity on most occasions and tonight doesn’t differ from my reality. That is such of my struggles, to continue to write in my Diary under all situations and to keep the peace with my mind.

The reason I have once again put off writing for a little while was for the fact that I had another downhill occurrence and now I feel that the Flat-Line of this month has finally perished and things are starting to go downhill. You decide this time if it is Flat-Line or if it is downhill, or maybe even better progression…

A Good Night Turns Bad

In what direction should you once again head if the pieces that hold together your life are once again shattered as was my memories of the past that Lyssa had given to me. This month’s situation was Flat-Line before I met up with Lyssa and it was on a high for the whole night that Lyssa slept over my house. Elated were my proud feelings to be with Lyssa for the whole course of the night and then that while we were sleeping together on my waterbed and all we could do was hug each other closely, body-parts entangled.

Then came the downfall that had been quite unexpected, the downfall that would lead beyond my remembrance of Flat-Line. Lyssa and I argued for so long in the morning and it all started because Lyssa couldn’t accept my thoughts of our relationship after three months of going out and up to six months. As a result I was devastated to find Lyssa wanting all her belongings back and after she told me that my poems never meant nothing to her I asked her to prove it.

The details I shall leave until a later paragraph but the devastation to my heart came when I helped her throw away our memories of the past, of the ‘Forgotten Years’ and now truly they are forgotten.

Tearing Up Old Letters

Everything that Lyssa ever wrote to me we ripped up and a dark day it was upon my heart. Lyssa left with the presumption that I never wanted to speak with her again resulting from her cold hearted aggression. Lyssa called me later in the night and apologized profusely, she cried but you tell me now, where has my month fallen to and what pieces do I now pick up.

Even as I piece together the torn parchments that were written to me I don’t understand how our night of passion suddenly became so insulting. To think that Saturday night I wrote a poem for Lyssa and read it to her and then for her to turn around and think nothing of my words makes me fail to see reason in understanding…

Waiting at the Station

My Saturday night started with a rush after my Diary entry, a rush to meet with Lyssa in Campbelltown. Leaving without much time to arrive I made it there with no seconds to spare but was surprised that Lyssa hadn’t arrived yet. Sitting around for at least half an hour I continually pondered on Lyssa’s whereabouts. Could she still be at home, did she miss her bus or is someone at her house prolonging her from leaving. Walking up the stairs towards the train station I looked from atop and noticed a couple of minutes later that Lyssa had received a lift from her brother to get to the station.

From what I had heard before Lyssa left her brother wouldn’t give her a lift because Carleigh was being a bitch about the whole thing as I might already have explained. What aggravated me was the fact that her brother charged her $5 for a lift to Campbelltown after she repeatedly pleaded. Informing me that Lyssa’s bus was late as she waited there for 20 minutes she kept saying to herself “Don’t leave yet, don’t leave, as soon as I leave the bus will come” and when she finally did leave the bus came, half an hour late.

What I found more insulting was the fact that Kuper didn’t even bother to give Lyssa a lift the rest of the way and was referring himself to a Taxi as he took Lyssa’s money off her.

Bus Stop Pride

Patient as we were waiting for our bus we sat amongst others on the benches darkened by the roofs that stop water. Myself looking like a surfer in my board shorts and black shirt, hair in a ponytail I looked with admiration at Lyssa as most others did whilst we were walking past. Elated with loving affection was I when I did notice these guys who were out for the local nightclubs eyeing Lyssa knowing they too thought she was hot. It gave me pleasure to just think to myself “She’s with me” and to see the envious gazing that I embellished upon.

Restless was Lyssa to catch a bus eager to catch a bus to my house. As we sat there for our 20 minutes waiting for a bus we talked, the exact conversation I can’t remember but I recall something about Lyssa’s resenting her body fat and telling me that I’ve lost a little bit of plumpness from my cheeks and face. Arguing over the point that I wasn’t that much larger than what I used to be back in 1993 I defended myself by implementing the fact that I’ve only gained five inches around the waist since that time, one inch per year.

Looking through the past photo’s you would probably be able to see a difference in my bodyweight but only slightly. I’m not sitting here trying to say that I’m as skinny as back in 1993 but you have to understand that with growing comes getting larger and I did get a bit fatter but not much.

Corn Chips and Video Ezy

Jumping off our bus at Bradbury shops (Which came a couple of minutes early and Lyssa kept telling me that buses are always late) we made our way to Video Ezy. Lyssa once again was paying for the movie (I paid my own fare for the bus) as I have no money as usual. Not even five minutes were we there to pick a movie as we had either seen them all or there wasn’t much out. Our pick at the end of the night was U.S. Marshals but not that we watched the whole movie, we were a bit occupied.

Making our way to the supermarket Lyssa walked to get herself a packet of corn chips and some drink so she could get money out of her keycard. While there I remembered how Lyssa was complaining about her body fat and thought to mention that eating this junk food would not help her to eventually get to her dream weight, the weight she was just before meeting me, 44 kilos. Even though I was only making fun of the situation I was also looking after Lyssa’s best interests but she didn’t seem to go with my views as she got upset with herself.

A Call From Keith

Strolling back to my house, the stars glistening, movie under my abetting hand and intently admiring my being with Lyssa our wander to my front door was cut short hearing my telephone ring. Knowing that it was for me I wasn’t prepared to answer any questions yet so I waited outside appealing for Lyssa to keep quiet so that my mum could answer the phone. When I thought the conversation was over we walked into my house and walking into my room I found out that Keith was just on the phone. Lyssa sat herself contiguously onto my waterbed and as she started eating her corn chips I ducked upstairs to prepare some more food.

Deciding I was prepared now to give Keith a call and tell him of my plans he firstly asked if I would like to head to the movies with him and Ralf. Knowing that all plans had fallen through now for all in the night I was kind of glad that I had something appealing set up for the night. Informing Keith that I was watching a movie at my house he gathered I was spending the night with Lyssa and let me go.

Feeling Like the Fall Guy

It’s been a week or more since I’ve really been out with Keith and day after day I keep building up the thought that he’s keeping his distance from me for a reason. Of course he has his job that he works at more times during the week but I can’t help to think that the problem with Ace, Kieran and Bielka arose his suspicions in me. Lyssa hasn’t told me what’s happened since Bielka supposedly confronted Kieran and I have the feeling that something harsh happened. If corruption did do my name over then it’s not only Keith that thinks badly of me but also Ace.

What am I, the fall guy or something. Whenever shit goes down it seems like I’m always the one getting all the flak. When we used to go out with everyone and steal shit I was usually the guy paraded as the thief and I would have been the one accused. With Lyssa’s friends vendetta seems to be the revenge going around against me. More and more I keep hearing stories from people (This time it was Lyssa who told me) that friends of Lyssa’s that don’t really know me talk crudely of me. There was this one guy in particular that came other with Kieran and two other guys to Lyssa’s house just days ago.

From what I heard this guy remembered me as being a nerd at school and not denying this fact I just hate the fact that he speaks harshly of me because of my quiet past. I’m not here to please people’s feelings and I’m glad that Lyssa stuck up for going out with me but that doesn’t help the fact that most of Lyssa’s friends take a look at me and judge me before I have even spoken a word.