A Waterfall Of Self Pity On A Wet Sunday (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: November 9, 1998

Water Waterfalls And Me

Oh, how water runs with effervescence alongside the sloping streams of a cliff side and spirals if with drifting ease to fall so helplessly upon the rocky shallows of a waterfall. That water does start from so high and so low a depth it does fall to. Magnificent is the shower of water that mystifies in it’s attempt to climb such a steep hill and once again fall so freely down a torrid slope.

Unfeasible as it seems that water cannot travel towards the sky there is no cease to flowing water from such height. Those torrid waters shall fill the livelihood of my mind and explain the feelings of my last two days. Where the water flows down is the loss of dignity and confidence and where Lyssa and I have our fight. The rebirth of water at such a high depth, the water that travels upward to start the flow once again, that is my days events for Sunday and somewhat for today.

This paragraph had to be grand in literature as I was going to write it on Sunday night after Lyssa had fallen asleep at my house because my true feelings had all come to me at once and my release of true feelings had all to do with it.

Kneeling On The Porch

There has never been a time so compelling as the last couple of days that I have craved for Lyssa’s touch once again, to feel her love, to ease my thoughts. After my phone call with Lyssa and how she told me that I was basically a loser I didn’t pay attention to that remark until I was over Lyssa’s house on Sunday night. Yes, Lyssa did give me a call on Sunday morning at 11:00 a.m. waking me up with “Don’t you want to talk to me anymore because I’m Ali’s friend” but the moment I realized that I was much more of a loser than what I thought I was had been at Lyssa’s house.

Kieran was over Lyssa’s house and as they sat alongside of her brother out on the back porch so Lyssa could have a smoke I knelt on the ground and started to think. Kieran was full of conversation with Kuper and as Lyssa listened intently I was in my own world knowing that I was bad at conversation and didn’t have much confidence in myself. There Lyssa sat with her smoke in hand and apart from that her life was normal.

Lyssa’s friends do have more sense than mine but they are also snobby when it comes to my friends. There I sat, looking out of place as I knelt on the cold ground. Even Misty the cat had a place in the picture, in the family and I, as if the outsider was outcast from conversation by lack of confidence.

Calling Myself A Loser

That’s when I started to think to myself, I am a loser, a failure, a washout, a flop, I am the underdog and I have been defeated by my inconsistency to better myself. Placing myself into perspective I realized that I scare girls off with my tone of voice and lack of confidence in my conversation rather than attract them. I am the loser for being such a dog to Lyssa and speaking with loving words to another.

I am a loser for having been nothing for the past year, without a job, without a life and now without a future wife. Lyssa is most of what kept my mind on a high and also what gave me neglect to all but her love. Lyssa was all to me and I wish that I could have been all to Lyssa but slowly my lack of confidence and money along with my cheating ways pushed her from me.

The water shall constantly flow and fall heavily farther away from such that was considered such a high point. Deeper, like a crevasse it shall fall and hit rapidly and await it’s return, back upon the mountain stream, beyond the descending waters of the fall and closer to dreams, closer to ambitions, closer to the beginning of the stream.

Envying Kieran

What else can slacken my tight grip on self esteem but a few more harsh words about my loss of ambition. What can be said about one who sleeps in until the afternoon and is without desire for most but the basics of life and it’s pleasures of which I get none now but the air that I breathe. Kieran is a much better person than I am, and why is that.

Why do I look up to him, for his loquacity, the serenity between him and life, the reality that he has a job, the fact that I loathe his possession of a car, the fact that he has confidence and can speak upon that confidence, the fact that he looks as if he does no harm but to love too much of his girlfriend.

If those are my reasons then let them be it. If those are my reasons then let me also be below most other people as I have done more wrong than most. Even Milton, despite the fact that he was once foolish with Lyssa in liking her and doing a bad job is better in many ways than I am of him. When will I pick myself up and see myself just as respectable as my peers.

When will the day come that all shan’t frown as I walk past and learn to respect the confidence that I display. When will I be confident enough to fear no rejection and when will I be content in knowing that I have to face a few rejections in my life span. It is the same with meeting women, finding a job and meeting new friends. There are some bumps along the road but if there is no confidence or ambition to reach that destination, the road will seem so distant and forever will hesitancy overcast your destination and keep you suspended in emptiness. Lyssa, she is much better than me, she has confidence in what she is, I have none.

Dreaming Of A Car

How much description can be given to such of a word, Confidence. For years now I have dreamed of owning a car, of driving to and fro, relaxing to some tunes as I pick up my girlfriend. Yes, that is a life of ease and one of imperative confidence. What could I have achieved if now I had car, who would I now be. Certainty starts with many possibilities but to me, there are vital importance to boost my self esteem.

To own a car is an ambition, a dream and respect to what I have not achieved yet. From one I have already had, to be a partner to another that is equally as loving rates highly and now without that love, respect from others seems to diminish, others that I regard higher than myself. Then there is assured confidence when all first questions point to this answer, “Do you have a job?”

Respect Starts With Me

With these three hand in hand along with faith in myself looking great and being content with how I look, they are the keys to reviving self respect and respect from others. As many a famous person have quoted before ‘You must love yourself before you can love others’ and ‘You must hold self respect in order for other’s to hold respect for you’. If you have no respect for yourself you will only attain pity from others and I feel that is the reason that Lyssa chose to come to my house and then sleep over, she felt sorry for the way I was acting and how downhearted I looked.

In perspective, that was the falling water, the fact of Lyssa feeling sorry for me and me knowing I was a loser. The upturn of the whole event was when Lyssa slept over my house and for one more night I could impersonate what I once was. Wishfully thinking, full of confidence (If only at the beginning of our relationship) and the one person that truly loved Lyssa and the only person who had truly been loved by such a beautiful character, so adorable in mind and appealing in body.

Rain And A Long Walk

Now to begin at the beginning, Sunday morning and some of what I have already noted. My day started as awoken as I was from slumber at 11:00 a.m. Lyssa was on the phone and in a huff and puff Lyssa said “Aren’t you going to talk to me anymore because I’m Ali’s friend, is that why we’re arguing”. Informing Lyssa that this was not the reason I settled her down somewhat so we could have a productive conversation. For Sunday I was going to invite Lyssa out to the beach but considering the clouds were covering up all sunlight there was no chance of that.

Instead we decided that we should both still get together and go out somewhere else but as I brought some ideas ahead it seemed that none of them were interesting enough. Train trips were out and Lyssa didn’t really want to walk anywhere, this is where a car would have come in handy. Rather, Lyssa and I made an agreement that I would walk over to her house even though it had started to rain and considering she was home by herself we were going to take advantage of that to watch a movie together or something.

Knowing that Lyssa was having her periods in a couple of days I really wasn’t expecting a turnaround in horniness from her. Rather, I was just going over Lyssa’s house because I missed her presence, I missed looking at her and laughing because she looked so cute just sitting there. For these reasons and more that made my heart ache to see Lyssa our plans came to action and the one hour long walk to Lyssa’s house did not faze me.

A Wet Walk To Lyssa’s

The trek was arduous at times and lucky I was that I had my jacket with the flip cap that covered my head otherwise the increasing droplets of rain would have soaked my body and caused another cold. Arriving at Lyssa’s house I realized her mum’s car was out the front and no longer was it just Lyssa and I. Knocking on the front door Lyssa answered somewhat more made up than usual but her hair was just wet and it looked like that night I absolutely loved her hair, the new years eve night.

Lyssa and I made our way to her room because the rest of the house was being occupied by her mum and brother who was supposed to be at Carleigh’s house but was home. Murphy’s Law you would tend to agree with ‘Whatever can go wrong will go wrong’. At first there was no real expression on my face as Lyssa and I sat next to each other on the bed. Lyssa is usually the one to muck around with me first because I have no confidence and fear Lyssa one day rejecting me and saying “We’re friends now”.

Lyssa playfully started pushing me so I started pushing her back and that brought a bit of energy into a dulled room, dull because of my somber attitude. Lyssa was happy also to see me and I was delighted that Lyssa spent the least amount of time on the phone when she was called twice.