A Cockroach and a Plan for Two (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: November 13, 1998

The Cockroach Who Escaped

The rain is belting down outside and for sake of description, the droplets scurry and scuttle towards the earth fiercely, as if pins were passing through your skin by the simple touch of the torrid droplets. Here I sit amongst my carpet amongst travels from outside that once shared my room but invaded my space. Not all like wet weather and I can gather that for the slug that I flushed down the toilet along with my urine and also for the cockroach that has been sighted by me so many times in the downstairs bathroom.

For days I had let this critter live it’s life not bothering me, that is until it entered my room tonight and paraded in front of me as if to say “I’m just going to sit really still right here and hope you don’t give a shit because it’s cold outside”. Well, I did give a shit but lucky for the cockroach he was faster and more agile than the hand that guided like a cruise missile, a box. Side stepping my first attempt and with tissues in my hand he scurried out of sight and once I did see him subsequently but my second attempt was no better planned.

Staying In While It Rains

I sit here tonight with my window closed, not able to hear the droplets pelting outside. I sit here tonight calm and serene for the fact that it is raining and somewhat glad that I didn’t go out tonight, I needed to relax somewhat. Last night was a good and bad night together and today was a full day for me so you can understand why I am looking for a break from the normal pitfalls of friendship.

Besides, who can I really trust these days now that rumors are going around and everyone is telling me a different story. Imad was supposed to come over today but he didn’t show up but personally I don’t really give a shit about Penelope saying shit about me anymore because it was probably said way in the past. Everyone is slagging everyone trying to say that this or that person is lying or this or that person is telling the truth. Here I am caught in the middle of it but somehow I am the middle of it all even though no one else would recognize that.

Rarely does this happen because I see my Diary as a source of release but last night and most of today I didn’t feel like writing in my Diary and thought to myself what would it be like if I missed out on a day and had no mention of it. Of course that wouldn’t happen because I would just speak about it the next day I spoke in my Diary but, what if I hadn’t been on my Diary for a month, plenty of holes then. Alas, that won’t happen and forever until I finally feel that this Diary shall reveal no more secrets and I am completely content with my life, then I will quit.

Dreaming of a Home Together

My emotions now concentrate on an ideal thought in my head of the future. This thought circulates around the fact that I know I love Lyssa. I know I love Lyssa so much that these feelings I am about to write have only been uncloaked for none other than Lyssa. The thought of Lyssa and I having a long term plan and not necessarily getting married (Which I wouldn’t mind in the future if it ever happened) but to one day live with Lyssa.

It’s all been planned out in my head, from getting more attached with Lyssa in the near future, filling up our hope Chest, saving for a car, washing machine, kitchen appliances and then finally in a year or two moving out with each other to a rented home. Mostly I just want to feel what it would be like to live with Lyssa, the two of us together and if it feels right like I can feel now in my heart then Lyssa like I already know will be the only one for me and enough of a woman for me.

Lyssa is all that I need and you can’t get much better than her anyway. Those are my thoughts, to live with Lyssa and have a plan to work together on so we could bring the future closer to our goals every single day of our togetherness. To see our achievements put a smile on both our faces, to see us living together, that would be my ultimate glory, my utmost challenge and the passion that drives my love even further…

Looking Back at Jewell

Let me now just reflect some more on the past and the great tie between Lyssa and I. Back when Lyssa and I had just broken up I must admit, that was because I was thinking stupid with Jewell and I must also admit that if Jewell allowed it the two of us would have gotten together but I doubt we would have lasted this long. My love for Lyssa was so great, just to get away from it I had to think of great lengths.

The length I was willing to go to because of my lingering love for Lyssa (Which I knew I shouldn’t have let go and was doing everything for all the wrong reasons) was for me to actually take my new life and move it as far as possible away from Lyssa and any feelings that might trigger once again my selfish pride.

Lyssa’s love was so greatly bestowed upon me that the only way I could get away from it was to move away from home and even then I knew that people like Imad and Ali would keep those thoughts popping up in my head as they visited me. If my love for Lyssa wasn’t so great then I probably wouldn’t have given a shit what she thought about me and my mind wouldn’t have been thinking of ways to let my love for her rest or go away and thinking to my full potential.

Luckily I finally came to my senses when I finally told Jewell to get out of my life knowing that Lyssa was much more important than this person that had been fooling me around for so long. That’s when I asked myself “Why had I sent this CD to Jewell when I knew I should have sent it to my one love, my true love, my real love who has been Lyssa all along”. That is the reason that I finally snapped back to my senses and started work on her CD, she deserved better than what I had given her and she did receive better.

A Past Best Kept Private

September 16th was the last day I even thought of Jewell and September 21st was the date I actually confessed to Lyssa, gave her a CD that showed my love towards her and that is the night I slept over and we loved each once again, if only for a night. These thoughts now make clear what I then thought was so confusing. Today it is much easier to look upon the past and judge it correctly rather than trying to judge it sporadically while living the moment.

The past I consider the lost years I wish never to be opened to another eye but mine. Lyssa will never be revealed those days of our remembrance because there is much within my pages that won’t make sense and will seem untold today. Nevertheless, the truth is much more distressing than keeping the harsh reality away from discerning ears.

Back to Wednesday Night

Now to speak of Wednesday night and I know I have explained everything prior to me going out with Keith, Shawn and Simon so how about I start with that. I guess I was too infuriated to write about my night’s events early Thursday morning when I got back because I was so angered and wanted to write the shit about Penelope and the rest of the problem. Now that I have achieved inner peace for now I shall recite my Wednesday night.

Knowing that I no longer wanted to be sitting at home after Lyssa and I rudely finished our conversation I gave them a call. When Keith picked me up he told me of the news he had heard from Ace and while that was happening and I was getting frustrated about the whole thing we headed to Mobil in Campbelltown, well the Caltex across the street. While there I noticed Masozi inside talking to the store-person. As we all looked inside Shawn started to get a bit homophobic and as I was in the middle not really caring Keith didn’t care at all.

Shaking Hands With Masozi

Jumping out of the car Simon, Shawn and I started heading to the Kebab van but Keith’s voice announced “I’ll buy you both something if you come inside the store where Masozi is. Knowing that I wasn’t homophobic but just a bit anxious we walked in, the three of us and buying myself an ice-cream I was the first to speak out to Masozi and greet him. Walking up to Masozi he held out his hand as he usually does and being no different I shook his hand.

As long as Masozi doesn’t pull any gay hand shit on me he’s alright with me. Masozi then went to shake Shawn’s hand and knowing that Shawn was a bit homophobic he didn’t really flinch but rather shook his hand. Keith had no problem either with shaking his hand and knowing he was gay or bi-sexual.

I think the difference between Keith and Shawn is that Keith is comfortable with his sexuality because he has been with Tamsen and having sex for so long. On the other hand, Shawn hasn’t had sex for god knows how long so naturally he would be a bit more held back and claustrophobic in his presumptions and thoughts. Myself, like I said, I’m I the middle because I’m still having a sexual relationship with Lyssa and I have no reason to be worried about Masozi because I am completely content with myself.