Rereading My Love for Lyssa (Part 2)

A Year Ago Today

Sunday 7:11 p.m.

Oh man, memories are such a bastard when you have so much of them. Just a couple of minutes ago I had the thought of reading back a year into my diary as I have done occasions, just to see what happened on that day. Even with a year past now that day is so memorable in my mind and I, so reminiscent. There was much contrast in the days that I read surrounding that month of May last year. There was my conversation with Jewell, my lying to Lyssa about it and deceiving her.

There was the contrast between my infatuation with the lost mistress and then of the building distance being placed between Lyssa and I because of her suspicions and my loathing for her ways. However, when I read the portion of my memoirs that reminded me of our train trip home from the City on May 21st 1998 and how we were so much in love, my heart crumpled to the heat of love’s passion. It seems that my words can be so heartfelt because they are written with so much passion and my great memories can surpass the emptiness and tensioned distance that has built up between Lyssa and I now.

For those seconds that I did read how Lyssa and I were mucking around with each other on the train with little bites and how we acted like we were on a Roller-coaster, it became so clear to me, the love portrayed. Upon reading these lines I felt the young love in our relationship and I felt like giving Lyssa a call but I knew I wouldn’t be able to justify my emotions with words and it would just fall apart into a confused mumble.

How Far We Have Drifted

I guess reading those words about my relationship with Lyssa really hit my heart hard because I remembered for so long hasn’t been, love. Now I recall how Lyssa and I used to be so much in love, even when I was deep to the neck in the midst of infidelity. What makes me wonder all the more is how it has almost been a year since we have broken up and yet, there is still a bond holding us together, much more than a holding on by a thread.

Gone are the days where Lyssa and I would ebb and flow in our emotions towards each other. There would be days where Lyssa would want me back in which I would hold myself back and days where I would want Lyssa back but she would be trying to move on. Then came the days when we started to have big arguments after our breakup which led to weeks without talking and the first time that Lyssa and I neglected calling each other for a night was the sign of the times to come.

To date, I believe there has been three big arguments where Lyssa and I have remained without conversation but the latest one was the disappointing night at the hotel. From there Lyssa and I didn’t talk for weeks until she called me and then days later I called her so we could meet in the City. After she received her money back that was lent to me we had another long stalemate in which Lyssa finally called me back last week but then, because of my arrogance and nullity on the phone she didn’t call back. However, Lyssa called me on Friday night because of her spotting me at the Catholic Club and the past didn’t come back to haunt my heart, now it does.

Dreams We Never Got To

I remember how Lyssa and I couldn’t wait for the both of us to be working together so we could save up for a holiday. That thought was initially my idea which worked its way into Lyssa’s hopes as well because it sounded like such a loving and bonding gesture. Now I am working on Monday and Lyssa will not be part of my plans.

When we were going out I wanted so much to be able to take her out to the movies again, to spend money on her and feel confident about myself but that never happened. There were even dreams of Lyssa and I to one day move out together and sarcastic remarks about getting married to each other and me proposing but even those facetious amusements ail my heart knowing that the chance is at hand but Lyssa isn’t.

Then there was the painful reminiscence that I wanted Lyssa to get a portable phone for her house so I would be able to talk to her whilst she was lying down, comfortable in her room. Back in those days it would have granted us those hours of conversation we missed out on, those deep and meaningful conversations that might have done something to knock my brain into gear.

When Lyssa finally got her portable phone it felt like a lost opportunity and like Friday night, I was upset that we were using that opportunity well after our love had subsided. Reading through those pages where Lyssa and I were in love, I wish somehow we could just wave a magic wand and take it back to those days minus all the hardships and alterations.

In reality, having experienced our true love with the memories just portrayed from one year ago it feels great and I wish I had it back or at least, something like it.

Should I Ring Lyssa

It has been almost a year now and I am glad to note that Lyssa and I are still talking to each other on occasion but I’m depressed at the fact of how many holes there are around me to fall into. What would be the right step to take me out of this predicament with Lyssa. I thought it would be the right move for Lyssa and I to fade away like we have been doing but now I think it is wrong to shun Lyssa away and wish she never called me.

Lyssa used to always tell me that she never stopped loving me after we broke up and I know she still shows a touch of affection for me now but I’m just wondering how much she cares for me these days. I know that we have gone too far into preoccupation for me to ring Lyssa up tonight and show the care in my voice.

That would only confuse Lyssa and it would bring on a spur of events that would probably bring us together, confuse us all the more and then aggravate our already troubled situation. If I was to ring Lyssa tonight and pledge my affection or try to put me back into her life it would cause another wedge into our wanting to move on to other people.

Being more than we are now will have Lyssa being turned off other men and me off other women and if we don’t go all the way, it would have been to no avail. Knowing what our love was, I wish we could get back to those days of loving and I think that the both of us could do it, if only there wasn’t so much adversaries out there. Lyssa and I would truly be on our own if we got back together.

By this I mean Keith and the rest of my acquaintances would turn on me and Lyssa would still be going out with her friends but the sense that I am around will limit her existence with friends such as Penelope and Naqi. If I was theoretically able to start a new life with Lyssa where no one knows us and we could forget our past, I believe love could blossom again.

Lyssa and I would be back to the art of kissing, mucking around with each other and sex wouldn’t be as important as love itself. But, these are my woes that I speak of and I know that no amount of sweet change will change the past. Therefore, I must just treat these fleeting memories of my greatest love as fleetingly to my heart as they arrived and know that our day is gone and can never be retrieved.

As for calling Lyssa tonight, because I lack all confidence in every ability, a call would be a wasted call and Lyssa would be confused by my actions in having called her. To Lyssa, my calling these days would be out of the blue and shrouded with mystery. Just calling to say hello isn’t good enough anymore. Just having me call her is a feat upon itself in Lyssa’s books and I know a big question mark will adorn her thoughts. Therefore, I must attend my misery, to read through our days of love and do nothing but reminisce in these somber oceans of despair.

A New Era Begins

These hours draw nearer to an end and so does darkness engulf another era of my time. With this new engagement, old engagements will be lost and forgotten within the veil of amnesia and only with my reminiscence does it stand a chance to be brought hither. Fragments of my past do seem to bounce back into the light of a new era on occasion, mixing up old with new. Let us not hope but just fortune-say that a portion of my past will induce these new days to compromise.

If it were Lyssa, let us dust off the old cover of our true love and paint over our debacles with this, the picture of my new era. Let work not only bring work as I do beg it to bring play and to which it were old or new, I would care all the same. Loneliness does embank upon these intimidated hopes and faith does dwell below the embankments themselves.

For these past couple of months I have tried to stray from this void to no avail and today I had the chance with a lady but as words did not aspire to my tongue, I did not achieve my desires. Therefore, my last push of the old era shall be a new struggle into this stream of identification. If there is reminiscence, let those events of veiled ages wield to these days, I allow it. Let me forget one, forget both or allow each one their chance at my confidence. If nigh is not apparent, let me bemoan and be on with my demeaned life of mishap.