Crying Over Old Diary Pages About Lyssa (Part 3)

Tears Over Old Pages

Tuesday 9:54 p.m.

Just a quick reminiscence upon my thoughts at this very moment. Right now the depression has faded away somewhat, what that all of which was brought on by my complete loneliness. Tonight I confusedly say that I shed tears and not only empty tears but whose jaded edges brought a weeping about them. These tears came to me because a bunch of different events came together to break down the links of my emotions.

Tonight I wanted to know what date that Lyssa and I broke up because it had come into play within our conversation on Sunday and since then I have been thinking of it amongst other heartrending feelings. Looking back into my diary in the month of July 1998 I darted through a couple of entries dating from the 5th to the 15th. Through these odd days I did read through the events of the day and I picked out the cracks caused in our relationships that were otherwise oblivious at the time.

For one thing, taking in consideration that Lyssa and I broke up on the 5th of July, a day before this Lyssa and I encountered problems that over time had been accumulating. However, I feel that I was spacing myself more from Lyssa’s wrongs and she was creating those wrongs because she was spacing herself from me. Lyssa loved me so much back then, I can see that now and when Lyssa and I got into sexual situations we weren’t seeing eye to eye.

Our love had differentiated with our breaking apart from each other. In one area, Lyssa was trying to make me feel good and in her mind, she would have been thinking “I love him so much and yet I have these desires to break up with him because he doesn’t love me anymore”. With those thoughts Lyssa would try and love me with affection and because I always held back hoping Lyssa would finally get onto me of her own accord Lyssa took that as if I was pushing myself away from her furthermore.

Why We Really Broke Up

That’s why our arguments started, that’s why we never resolved anything, why we distanced so much from each other and why we eventually broke up. Lyssa let me go because she loved me so much and because she knew I didn’t have the same love for her. However, because I thought I knew Lyssa so well in mind, I went along with it knowing we were definitely broken up and thinking I could now be free, how wrong I was.

Lyssa was the love of my life but I’m just wondering, are these sudden splurges of emotions just a male substitute of deep loneliness for a woman’s PMS or am I being sincere with my exploits. In my heart, I know that all these words I speak have a sincere truth to them but I also know that if I was to meet a girl, these loves would be past onto her.

This leads me to say that I know I am so alone, with my thoughts, with my life, socially and reciprocally. I shed a tear tonight because I am so alone, so without love and I know it is the truth, so much. If not already noted, I am so confused on whether I love Lyssa or that I’m just so lonely that I miss loving someone and Lyssa has been my greatest love to love again.

A Television Scene and a Memory

These thoughts helped create the tears that shed from these eyes. Also, there was a moment in Dawson’s Creek where Pacey was dancing with a hot girl from school. The music was playing sweet and sad tunes and as I read a passage from my exerts that matched the mood of the song, my emotions spilt over.

I wasn’t crying for the joy of the moment on television where they kissed whilst dancing but because the words in this passage made me realize how much Lyssa loved me and being reminded of it in the eyes of who Pacey was kissing. Let me now recite the actual paragraph I was reading that did make me realize this truth, as you cannot justify the emotion within such naïve and oblivious thoughts in my mind of the day, but to look at them now in oblivious form, they ache this heart…

(Last night after coming home from a night out with Naqi, Lyssa and Penelope were waiting for us at Woodbine Macdonald’s. Lyssa sat there for two hours anticipating my arrival and when we weren’t showing up they left for home. Just before they arrived at Lyssa’s house we gave them a call, Naqi wanted to see where Penelope was.

Once the phone rang Lyssa got so excited and in my mind, I know now that she was excited because she thought I was calling to see her. It makes me sad now knowing that. What’s more, when we finally met up with the girls, I heard that Lyssa was commenting to Penelope all night about how much she loved me. (Quote from –Sunday 9:25 p.m. — July 5, 1998))

Nobody Compares to Lyssa

Nowadays, I have that certain problem of moving on from Lyssa. Somehow, I limit my choice of women by being picky and on top of that, I never have the confidence or nerve to talk to women which completely annihilates me. The reason I believe I am so choosy is because I don’t want to choose someone that is below my expectations of Lyssa. I can’t go out with just any blonde or red head, they have to be as good as Lyssa or better.

I would feel as if I was cheating myself and cheating on Lyssa if I disappointed myself with some slut I picked up at a club. On the other hand, because I am so lonely the desperation to be with someone is shining through and it is confusing my principles. Here I have this great desire to be with someone that is limited by my wanting someone who can stand next to the pedestal of Lyssa and then I have this blocking out of moving on and inviting thoughts of loving Lyssa back into my heart.

This is probably because I can’t find anyone else or haven’t been trying and of course, this is rightly due to my being infatuated and hung up on this new hope with Lyssa. So there you have it, a clash of emotions and decisions, should it be Lyssa now to ail my lonely heart despite it probably being a wrong decision or should I remain lonely, with this crying heart, waiting for the right woman to come along which is forever postponed because of my high regards to Lyssa and wanting to find someone just as special.

This is an elaborate labyrinth of thoughts spiced with confusion and if you only knew these words could help you delve into how I was feeling right now. How much times do I have to say loneliness and disparaged to actually spice those true meanings of my guilt-ridden hands, guilty of loneliness and lonely to everything. Well, the time is almost now for sleep and to put these thoughts to bed.

Let me hope I sleep well tonight and let us hope work will not disparage me all the more and cause my life to be in total ruins. Before I sleep, I will read more of those last days in my life with Lyssa in our united bliss and when I have wept my last tear of memory I will be off to from regent pages to regent sleep.