Two Hours of Television and Tears (Part 4) – Mad Chaos: March 29, 1999

Two Hours of Television

For the next two hours after our second attempt at sexuality we watched television together. Through this time Lyssa noted in her fatigued tone that she could go to sleep and each time she said it I resented her more. There wasn’t much on television but I had just seen these two hours as an escape of obligation that she felt to please me. In that whole time we done nothing more than kiss and I restrained myself from touching any part of Lyssa’s carnal anatomy hoping that she would do it for me.

However, by now you should all know that Lyssa is selfish without even trying. She is selfish because she is timid in trying and because I have such a strong will to please when it comes to sexuality I cross all boundaries, or at least I try. For our night of passion Lyssa was only thinking about herself and after she had been pleased the eagerness and excitement had grown as tired as her eyes.

No hands pleased me, no thoughts, no kisses, no pleasantry, I was but a stale loaf that was loathed to be eaten or touched as one was full on the feeding the loaf had given.

A Remark About Breath

With time fleetly passing for Lyssa it seemed like forever to me, just waiting for some recognition, some of that loving nature that Lyssa always talks about. When two hours had past Lyssa turned her attention to me and instead of trying her hand at pleasing me she said “You’d better do something or I’m going to fall asleep”. This brought my morale down as our night had gone from a mutual giving to just me doing all the giving. Lazy as she seemed in sexuality I knew that she wasn’t hot for sex because she already had her climax.

Apart from Lyssa being prude in sexuality she has the big problem of being too timid. Lyssa never starts a situation, she is never hands on unless I place them there. She has no incentive, no creativity and sex would never arise unless I was always the one to initiate it. Despite my wanting Lyssa to start on me I rolled over towards her direction lacking confidence. This lack of confidence was built upon when Lyssa blurted out “You have bad breath” while shying her head away.

I’m not sure if this was a way to turn me off, to keep from having sex or because I had bad breath but it wasn’t helping the situation. If I wanted to I could have told Lyssa that she stunk because of her smoking and the taste of her lips when kissing was putrid but I kept my thoughts to myself. This had turned me off from my night of passion and I knew at this moment that my lack of interest in sex would see me losing out on any sexual satisfaction.

The Argument Begins

The act of sex never began as I had lost my interest as to how Lyssa had treated the situation. Lyssa rolled onto me and said “I have an idea, let’s have sex” but the fact that it was so unstructured and unprecedented had my attraction of the situation fall. Keeping myself staring at the ceiling as Lyssa tried getting me to listen to her reasoning she got pissed off because I was no longer aroused. As Lyssa once again separated herself from me the emotional outbursts started to arise and an argument was eminent.

From my admitting that I was no longer aroused we started to argue with each other. The argument was based upon my being upset that Lyssa never tried anything with me when she had the chance. Pointing out that Lyssa was just being selfish as usual I pointed out that our night had turned into nothing. Lyssa tried telling me that she was thinking of going down on me at the start of the night but my instant reaction was to say “Don’t even say that” because I knew she was only saying those words to save herself.

Lyssa might have had that thought in her head but as usual, Lyssa never went through with her thoughts. There was all the opportunity in the world for Lyssa to have done what she said. Some examples I gave to Lyssa was the start of the night when we were taking off our clothes, the time we both stopped to play her patience game and the time that I placed Lyssa’s hand on my shaft.

Tears and Threats to Leave

Waterworks began from Lyssa as I had expected from my outpour of emotions but I come to expect this from Lyssa these days. Whenever I manage to release my frustrations from months of holding back Lyssa does become insecure about herself. With Lyssa not being able to take my loathing words which were really just telling it like it is she cried out “I wish this night never happened”.

As the night progressed she said things like “I could have spent this night with my friends instead of with you” and when she finally reached her weakest point she blurted out “I want to leave, I’m going”. These words did not surprise me at all as Lyssa’s only defense to my words have always been to leave or to have me leave. Whenever words became too tense at my house Lyssa would always threaten to leave but usually I knew she wouldn’t follow through, just like everything else in her life.

Packing up her belongings in an aggressive and weeping frenzy she kept crying out to me about her side of the story. At first I tried to comfort Lyssa and have her stay but quickly I let her go and do what she wanted, I couldn’t stop her.

Packing Her Bags

While packing her bags I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling with a detesting expression, one without much other emotion. I knew that there was no chance Lyssa would catch a taxi and head home, the furthest she would get is out the door. Delaying her departure by doing her makeup and then fixing up her hair she put her clothes on and then made her way to the door. “Are you going to stay here” she asked and staring at the ceiling I replied “Trains don’t start until the early morning, I have to stay here”.

Hesitating at the door I knew she didn’t want to leave and it showed with her calming down her huff and puff and trying to talk with me. In a calm but cold tone I told Lyssa that it would be best if she just stayed and didn’t leave but she was too headstrong. With ten minutes passing she finally decided it was time to leave but in a hushed and beaten tone she uttered “I’m just going to ring a taxi and see if one will come to pick me up”.

As she walked out the door she took the room code with her and knowing she would never leave I was more convinced with her action.

Lyssa Comes Back

Two minutes didn’t even pass until Lyssa came back into the room. What was once a proud night was now dismal of any sanguine emotions. “I’m not leaving, I want to work this out” she told me but our argument was now beyond the fixture of words or actions. My night was ruined and there was nothing that could have made it better, not even oral sex that she so blatantly offered. Sitting herself on the edge of the bed and glancing out the window we started slowly into conversation.

The actual context I am not too sure of but I do remember Lyssa asked me what would make me happy again. Nothing would honestly make me happy, no feat of sexual enjoyment or caring words. All I could think to make me happy was for Lyssa to lie down next to me so we could talk. In my mind I was hoping that Lyssa would find a way to make me happy and I hoped she would just lean over and please me how she so pledged she was thinking but it never happened.

The bed would have been lonely to sleep in if Lyssa had left for home but with her there it was frustrating. With Lyssa awake I didn’t feel frustration but it was when Lyssa finally got to sleep that I started feeling a lack of fulfillment.

The Same Old Promise

When Lyssa made her venture to lie on the bed with me we started chatting about the obvious problem. After her once again pledging that she would go down on me I cast her down scorning her for even speaking such deceitful words. “No, I really want to go down on you for some reason, I figured that’s what you would have wanted tonight” she mentioned but I knew deep down Lyssa was only bending the truth. Like noted before, if Lyssa wanted to go down on me she would have done so.

Expressing my feelings towards her suggestion I said “If you go down on me then you’ll constantly be complaining about how long it’s taking and like usual I’m just going to get turned off by having to rush”. Lyssa once again started to cry at what I deemed to be true and with that I added my perseverance in pleasing Lyssa without complaint or a time limit and her lack of such will. Lyssa did not show me quality or even quantity for our night and in the past couple of months I have been seeing and loathing the same trend.

Lyssa Confesses Her Obsession

The subject then changed to Lyssa’s feelings about me as she told me that she wants to stop being so obsessive over me. She went on to say how she talks of me constantly to friends, work mates and anyone else that would listen. How each day she would think of a reason to ring me and hope that I won’t pick up the phone and be angry at her ringing me. Lyssa also mentioned that each time she hangs up the phone with me she thinks how much of an idiot she was to ring me, how obsessed she must have come across.

What got to me was how poetically Lyssa sounded when she said “My first thoughts when I wake up are of you and you are my last thought on my mind every night before I go to sleep”. Commenting that she sounded almost poetical in her phrase she noted that she’s always thought of sending me letters or poetry but has never had the mind for such things. One or two tears fell for when Lyssa expressed her words but they were somewhat put on because I wanted to believe that this truly was touching poetry and touching words.

Rather, I knew that all the words Lyssa was speaking were coming out at the wrong time and they were rather forced because she wanted to fix the situation. All that Lyssa had said could not have been all true but just embellishment on her truth.

Doubting Her Love

Holding herself back for a second Lyssa finally told me that she still loved me the same since the first day she had met me and fallen in love with me. Unlike myself who had lost love for her Lyssa loved me 100% and that she explained was the reason she is still obsessed with me, why she seeks to call me daily and why she wants to be around me. However, it does seem rather ironic how she can love me 100% still whilst having gotten onto Pedro and having taken away pieces of her caring since our breaking up.

Before we broke up Lyssa used to give me oral sex, she used to embrace more positions and she used to seek to pleasure me whichever in order for me to go off but now those attributes are lacking with each passing day and these days I am lucky to get a hand job. For that reason I thought it hard to swallow the thought that Lyssa loved me 100% and what’s more, the fact that she thought she loved me more when we were going out.

I loved her with all my heart whilst sending her poetry, buying her gifts and devoting all my time to her. She started fights and went out with guys like Channing to raise my temper. At the start Lyssa knew not of a full celebrated love but when I started to think differently of Jewell is when Lyssa exceeded my love. When Lyssa and I broke up that loved turned to obsession for Lyssa and a lust for me, go figure.

Photo Albums and Poetry

Lyssa tried telling me that she never meant for the both of us to break up and the only reason she had said it was to see what I would do but she lost me on that day. Each day since our breaking up Lyssa told me that she looks through our photo album, she reads my poetry and all sorts of other things but I find that also hard to believe. She might do it on the occasion but as far as looking at photos or reading my poetry every day, I don’t believe that.

Once again, Lyssa over-exaggerated with her claim as I once asked Lyssa the last time she had read my poetry and her answer was “A fair while now”. I know Lyssa inside out, I know her little games and what her wording signifies. Lyssa is just a big sham and is totally in contrast to my views and morals. God couldn’t have found such a contrasting couple in anyone else if he wanted to, we are both uniquely different to each other.

This I say not only because of our many differences of opinion or arguments over the simplest things but because I have spent so much time with Lyssa to know who she is and she’s not like me. If we had equality in common sense Lyssa would be much livelier a sex partner, she would be a nymphomaniac for oral sex.