The Waiting Game in the Dark (Part 3) – Mad Chaos: March 29, 1999

The Show Must Go On

Monday 10:58 p.m.

With hours passing since my last entry and a day almost over I have much more news to add but for the sake of chronology and time against me, I have forever ahead of me. These entries of mine that have been expanding to a meticulous degree in literature have eloped with my time over these years. Pages seem to drag on with detail and for what, why do I really consider myself upon these memoirs.

This you must think is the beginning stages of self doubt, of a breakdown in my commitments made to this Diary but I can assure myself and any of my demurrals that like Shakespeare, ‘The show must go on’. Tired will never be of these arms, these thoughts and these integrity but I do tire from the array of emotions and actions I portray in my Diary that I can find no cease to. Back in the day most emotions present now weren’t talked of for security of my pride or personal life but now that I have begun there is no going back.

Things can only get more complex, more thought out, more abrasive and inclusive but this literature shall never cease to exist. My thoughts are far from my humble temperament unto others but it is always thought that the silent are always the smartest. These pages are my livelihood and to give them up after founding them would be a crime upon myself and what exists in me. As I would keep to write as if scribe was my lance, I shall never lower the heraldry of my name which forever seeks gratification in words, art and literature…

Finishing March Without Overflow

Chronology is once again an important aspect as usual but more so it is important tonight as I want to finish this month without an overflow. It would be important to me that all that is accomplished in this month and the circus like acts that have been unfolding before me are kept within this month. The ember’s of Summer are now gone but I wish not ash to float into the wintry breeze of upcoming April, where one celebrates but I stand content not to. Thus let I hence to the chronology at hand and make quick of it in detail.

Turning Off the Television

Getting back to Friday night now, the time must have been creeping to around 9:30 p.m. as Lyssa and I had just finished eating and she had just finished having her smoke. Lying down onto the bed together I put my arm around Lyssa as we sat there watching television and I just lay there enjoying the silent comfort that we were having. You could sense the passion and desire for our night to unfold but we were content in watching television.

For a little while I was waiting upon Lyssa to start something more than my placing my gesturing hand around her but with that not arriving I stepped up. The lust was beginning to build up between the both of us (Some great alliteration there) but the thought of making the first move on Lyssa made it clear to me that she wouldn’t try to make it passionate. The move began with me turning the television off and exposing us to the darkness of the speechless room. As usual in Lyssa’s playful and naïve character she asked why I turned the television off, she knew.

Lustful intentions were not behind my bid to kiss Lyssa but rather, the thoughts that I wanted to make it a great night for her were plaguing my every move. Dare I say that my willingness to please Lyssa was a plague on my behalf but I feel it to be true. Because I am so unspoken and humble in my nature I do not ask for what I want but rather, I do in hopes that the want comes to my lap.

Undressing in Moonlight

Floating through my mind as I began undressing Lyssa in the light bequeathed by the moon’s glare was the surmise that I would not get to see Lyssa strip for me. This we did briefly suggest in our conversations leading up to the night and even though Lyssa jumped up to take off her skirt when her top was already taken off, it did not yield any rewards. Instead of being proud of her body she asked me to shun my eyes as usual and the graceful thought was lost, that of Lyssa treating me to a delight for once.

Despite this lack of enthusiasm on her behalf I pressed forth with my carnal endeavor, I wanted to please and began to make it evident.

Not That Position

With Lyssa still having her G-String on it was pleasing to my vision and what was more pleasing, the fact that Lyssa was lying on her stomach. My preferred position was granted to me by surprising luck and as I lay on top of Lyssa with a calm downward pressure I began kissing her upon the neck. Slightly heavier became the breathing as if fluttered by my tongue’s request but my tongue had not yet started. While passion beset Lyssa I began to feel my steady rise and then with gentle stirring I did ascend upon her moist carnality.

Surprised that Lyssa had allowed me into this position I kept at my desire and started upon my excitement before Lyssa stopped me midst my enjoyment. “Stop, we can’t start in this position, it will never go in” she uttered and with that she lay down on her back and the expression of content my face bestowed was unhinged. Like usual, this suggestion I did abide to as I wanted to please Lyssa but I knew that if I had made a suggestion for a different position it would not have been seen as favorably.

Thus, I was again trapped in past carnal disappointment and hoped that it could only get better through the night.

A Pause Midway

Trying to see the better of the disheartening situation I decided to treat Lyssa to some oral stimulation, once again with my tongue. With her legs just hanging off the bed it wasn’t hard to surprise her and as I did go down on her she tried to word some protest as to her being unclean but those words were quickly immersed within the pleasure. This I kept up for a couple of minutes as I brought Lyssa near to a zenith of indulgence but soon it was my turn to betroth the warmth of infatuation.

Placing myself within the mystery of the night and as dark as my eye could see I began the fruitful venture. However, my plight lasted minutes and with Lyssa’s words wishing me to stop I took myself out. The exact ground on which Lyssa wanted me to cease I can’t remember but she said something like “Wait, let’s stop for a little while and see how long we can last”. This I feel Lyssa could have done for three reasons. The first being the obvious, Lyssa wanted to stop because of her actual reason.

The second, Lyssa probably feared that I would go off soon and she wanted to save me face. The third possibility would have been that Lyssa desired my office back down upon her orally.

The Waiting Game

Lying in the darkness next to each other and looking at the ceiling Lyssa’s game was to see how long the both of us could last without touching each other. To me it seemed that our night had started with me but it was being determined by Lyssa’s actions. This strange ask and break of our groove I did accept gathering that Lyssa probably read some girly magazine and had read something about increasing passion by postponing carnal appetite.

Despite these looming thoughts I abided as we both lay there without touching each other and my instant reaction was to say “I can go on like this for the whole night”. “Oh can you now” Lyssa remarked “Well lets see what happens then”.

Two Kinds of Timid

Now that I think of it, subconsciously this was more than a game, it was to see who would have the upper hand of the night. Because I was the first to find the game ridiculous and continue upon our feelings once again I feel that Lyssa created that upper hand and I was once again below her timidity. The only alikeness that Lyssa and I have is our being timid. Although there is a difference in our approach to being timid.

Lyssa is timid in beginning anything sexual, trying new things, trying to do things herself and she is timid about her body and what people thing of it. On the other hand, I am timid to ask for what I want in sexuality, I am shy to express my feelings and for that my point never gets across.

Twenty Minutes of Effort

Beginning once again with our sexual encounters on that Friday night I decided to treat Lyssa once again with my oral delight. This turned out to be my biggest mistake in generosity as it had dawned to be the point of no return. For twenty minutes I was down there lapping upon Lyssa fervently and she reached an apex so many times but she never exceeded it. The fabrication of my will to please Lyssa was starting to crumble and I was too timid in my ways to forget about my oral stimulation and just wipe my chin and begin upon pleasing myself.

Pleasuring Lyssa as usual was my primary hue and for that I did not care whether my jaw was aching or that my chin was like a waterfall of fluid. The most loathed actions I performed were the most loved from Lyssa and as I continued without care she finally came to a conclusion. Her legs and body shuddered for a minute or two as she finally reached the climax she so desired but as she did pass from one to another I did doubt my pleasurable night.

Just like men of excited passions, I knew that Lyssa would rest herself and she would want to be left to rest with her tumultuous release.

Waiting for My Turn

“Did you enjoy that” I regarded as I lay onto a sprawled Lyssa who was lying on her stomach. “That was brilliant” she responded and with my lying on top of her she bid me to stay there. This I did please Lyssa with and while there I did pick out the strand or two of pubic hair that had been bothering me for the duration of my oral stimulus. Hoping that Lyssa would soon turn around from her favored rest and want to either have sex or please me in a different way I began to lose my faith.

Moments kept passing and in a way I was glad that Lyssa was taking her time. Knowing that it would be too early for Lyssa to get back into sexual activity and gathering she wouldn’t go down on me I didn’t want my finale to be a hand job, that wasn’t the special night I had in mind.

Smooth Legs and a Cold Reaction

Earlier in the night I had to put Lyssa’s hand on my smooth legs so she could acknowledge them and then I placed her hand to where I had neatly shaved my private area. Taking her hand away with a shy outburst she felt awkward touching it and said something like “You’re a little boy now”. Within that time I also placed Lyssa’s hand upon my limp state and was grateful that she had kept her hand there to watch it erect itself. However, I was upset that Lyssa didn’t seek to start off our night.

Rather, Lyssa only stroked me a couple of times and then paused while watching television. This of course made me limp again and as Lyssa asked “Why did you go down for” I gave her the obvious answer, she wasn’t doing anything. Before too long Lyssa took her hand away and forgot about my smooth legs or neat appearance, she even forgot about the satisfaction I could have been receiving. What this is leading to is that Lyssa could have had her chance to begin the sexual stimulus of the night thanks to my helping guidance but she didn’t.

On top of that, she could have performed oral upon me if she so desired but that too fell unaided.

Lying There Resentful

For the time that Lyssa relaxed after my oral elation I kept myself on top of her but with time I started to realize that Lyssa wasn’t going to make any offers on behalf of my pleasure. As twenty minutes past I thought that Lyssa was sleeping and my hunch came correct when she started murmuring words in her dream. This emptiness turned to anger inside of me as I slowly made my way off Lyssa removing my hold of her as the anger grew.

My belief is that apart from her wanting to rest, Lyssa didn’t want to please me orally and she wasn’t ready for anything else so her drifting off to sleep was her avoidance of the subject. Within time I moved to my side of the queen size bed and lay disappointed as I stared at the roof. All I could feel was resentment and envy that I did not receive as good as I gave. With almost half an hour passing Lyssa woke up lazily and turned to face me.

Let me just point out that Lyssa told me she never went to sleep but that wouldn’t explain why she didn’t ask me what was wrong when I jumped off her. As she turned she did ask me what was wrong and I just sat there with my eyes at the roof trying not to show my disappointment but obviously it was showing.

The frustration that kept building up in my mind had ruined my night that was supposed to be of unrivalled passion. This was supposed to be a night to remember but it turned out to be remembered for all the wrong reasons. Seeing that I was frustrated and figuring she worked out the reason Lyssa made her way over the lonely area between us and put her arm around me. Not wanting to show spite I accepted her arms with one of mine but the mistreatment I had endured fathomed the deepest of my thoughts.

Lyssa asked me now and again what was wrong but I kept with my pride saying nothing was wrong. Lyssa attempted to make things better by asking for sex in a put on way. Knowing that Lyssa really didn’t want it to soon I still had my resentments in my mind but persuasion was also blooming. I didn’t want my night to be without being treated as Lyssa was, I wanted to go off.

Second Attempt on Top

“Why don’t you come over here and get on top of me” Lyssa asked and looking at her in disbelief and thinking she was lazy as well as greedy to have me do all the work again, I chose to disagree. “Why don’t you come up here” I queried and with a little huff she made her way over. Drudging over she lay down on top of me and with my help we started kissing. It would have been great if Lyssa had put some effort into the sexual part but I was unaided.

With Lyssa I can use an old proverb and it would be right to say ‘You can lead a horse water but you can’t make it drink’. For some reason Lyssa isn’t very hands on and as much as I wanted that experience it was never given. With Lyssa still kissing me upon the lips I placed myself within her and it was around this time that Lyssa started to help with the positioning. The excitement or the enthusiasm wasn’t in her and it showed when we were having sex. The conditions were dry as we wearily pounced upon each other.

Lyssa was not arousing me with her half hearted attempt to please me and I did not see any attention as I had given to her. Within a couple of minutes our slow and dry start was ceased by Lyssa. “I’m not ready yet, maybe we should stop and finish off later” she suggested and with that she jumped off and I turned on the television. Disappointment now ran through my veins as this was the second time my climax had been stopped short.

Days before Lyssa and I headed out for our Friday night frolics we discussed fragments of the night and it was certain that we would have sex more than once. This to the both of us meant that either of us had to go off at least twice but for the whole night it wasn’t realized. Hopes were placed in my mind for a great night but they quickly diminished with the parallel of faith produced from Lyssa’s reluctant nature.