Lyssa Kind of Misses Me (Part 4) – Mad Chaos: March 14, 1999

Waking Up Late on Sunday

To speak now of my day just gone, the period of the day in which I decided to wake up was at 5:30 p.m. on my lazy Sunday. For most of the day mum and dad were out at some place, I don’t know the exact location. Once waking up I decided to give Lyssa a ring as it had been two nights without a call and since it was late enough and she hadn’t called I thought I would.

However, Lyssa wasn’t home and speaking to her mum she didn’t give me much insight as to where she was or when she was coming home. For the rest of the night I had something to eat, I watched television and waited for Lyssa to call.

A Cooler Chat With Lyssa

Hours passed and I wasn’t pondering upon Lyssa’s call but at 8:45 p.m. the phone rang and it was her. Our conversation started as per normal but with a subtle difference. This time around I was keen to ask Lyssa about her night but in an indirect. Lyssa also asked of my two nights that we hadn’t called each other for but surprisingly, neither of us mentioned anything about our not calling each other for two nights. However, later in our conversation Lyssa suggested that I was distancing myself from her.

Also noting that we hadn’t seen each other for two weeks she said “But I understand”. Within the whim of our conversation Lyssa mentioned that we haven’t had a proper or decent conversation in a while. These days our conversations are too bleak, they have way too much empty parts with no conversation and on top of that, I usually don’t like speaking more than a couple of words. Lyssa might deem me to sound cold on the phone when I’m talking to her and although I was trying to make more conversation than usual it just wasn’t there.

Kind of Missing You

“I kind of miss you, you know” she remarked to me and I gathered that Lyssa didn’t want to make her missing me too vulnerable and that’s why she softened it up from her usual. Instead of saying “I miss you” in her little baby voice she said it less heartily and with the use of “Kind of” it suggested that she didn’t want to spill herself out to me because she gathered I wouldn’t care in my hardened state.

Knowing that I haven’t seen Lyssa for about two weeks I didn’t have a comment to any of the times she put out her hand in words. Rather, I just kept myself quiet even though I had thoughts in my head, those thoughts would only make situations worse. Doing Lyssa’s usual trick, I kept quiet when confused as I could have gone either way with words but I didn’t want to lie in saying that I missed Lyssa too and I didn’t want to level with her to make her feel worse.

Rather, let nature take its course over time and let time tell the story.

Two Phone Calls

Lyssa and I talked until 9:15 p.m. while she was lying on her bed because she had the portable phone. Sounding self-conscious and humble to how she believed I felt Lyssa would be more submissive when she felt I wanted to get off the phone. Feeling that I didn’t really want to talk with her Lyssa asked me once or twice if I was angry with her or anything for that matter because lately I just haven’t been talkative.

Lyssa and I finished our first conversation for the night and remembering that Lyssa was upset about my not saying goodnight I said it to her. When I hung up the phone I thought I was being weak in yielding to Lyssa’s lamentable depression and I feel that’s why Lyssa called me back twenty minutes later. In this conversation Lyssa told me that she was looking at the formal photos so I gathered she could only be more sad for our past.

In this conversation we talked for about twenty minutes and when it was over Lyssa got herself to sleep to wake up for work.

News About Jewell on the Train

Within our first conversation and near the start of it Lyssa told me some jargon that I couldn’t understand about Jewell. Having Lyssa repeat it a couple of times until it made sense to me I realized what Lyssa was finally trying to say about her. It seems that Jewell is now catching the same train as Lyssa in the mornings when she travels to work. How she knows this is because Imelda talked to Jewell one of the days she was headed to the City so I can only assume that she’s now working in the City. Lyssa was curious in one aspect to scour the train to see what Jewell looked like but on the other hand, she couldn’t really give a shit.

Wondering About a City Job

When Lyssa told me this about Jewell I couldn’t help but to think a little more about her. While Lyssa was talking to me I was wondering if Jewell had a job in the City. Time has really lapsed upon me with the Jewell aspect as I realized she had finished high school a couple of months ago now. So a job in the City wouldn’t be out of the question but I can’t see Jewell being such a diminutive body working, what’s more, in the City. However, knowing that she has high intellect, that more than enlarges her physical appearance.

Thinking of the Fig Tree

Another thought that entered my mind was about my plans to head to the fig tree where we once sat when I finally have my laptop. When this thought spiraled through my head I wondered if Jewell would have ever visited that spot where we sat, if she had ever sat there. Upon that I wondered if Jewell ever had reminiscent tears about her past which I now call the lost years and if she, like me, has devoted some poetical thought upon it.

If We Ever Met Again

The thought of heading out to the fig tree with my laptop and seeing Jewell walking past did cross my mind. What would that be like, me sitting down and typing poetry into my computer and her, staring at me from a distance, in awe or aspiration. Would she walk away, would I shun my eyes or would we both embrace in a new remembrance, that of a future. One thing is clear, if ever we did meet again I would have a totally different outlook upon her.

No more will I want to try and love her or give a hint of pleasing her. Before all I could handle was her love and anything apart from that I couldn’t handle. That’s why I shunned Jewell off when my efforts didn’t pay off but she was stubborn. My reaction would be of friendship, one that I would try not to pursue into anything other than that because I know now what I am.

For my poetry of the lost years and the thoughts abetting from my reminiscence of Jewell I give Jewell that credit. I give credit to where it is deserved and Jewell deserves the credit but not the credibility. Inspiration came with her name and actions embedded in the past of the lost years and without her there would be no ‘Lost Years’ Sonnets. So, will that day ever come where I sit under the great fig tree with my laptop and she walks past, do I really want to know…

Skipping Again and Job Calls

Apart from my conversations with Lyssa tonight there has been no other action. The only activity I took upon apart from typing in this Diary was to perform another 1000 reps on the skipping rope. That’s now been three nights in a row and when I measure myself two weeks from now I hope that I’ve dropped around the waist. Of the poetry that I thought I would be writing tonight and of that flair, it is not within me anymore. Rather than going and risking one of the lost years Sonnets to scrutiny of words I would rather postpone my Sonneteer thoughts until another more mentally able day.

No matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t come up with good ideas and of the two lines that I did think up, they weren’t that great. Now I must be off this early morning, to play the computer with which I have put on a rally game. Within a couple of hours I’ll be gearing up to head to Campbelltown so I can hand in my form. On top of that, I’ll be calling some jobs from the Sunday Telegraph and hoping that I can send some faxes through or better yet, get some interviews.