Inventing the Word Disgress (Part 2) – Mad Chaos: March 30, 1999

Losing and Finding Myself

This month I feel that I have lost myself with all the change that has been rolling around me but I do believe that I am once again starting to find myself. These days of lost poetry I could not and still cannot retrieve have come from a breakdown of what I believe in and thus, a struggle in my mind that pushes aside everything else.

Right now I have to deal with losing my payments, the trouble with Lyssa, not going out on the weekends to clubs anymore, the stress of finding a job, waking up earlier, poetry, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, it’s all in there and it’s bringing me down. There are much more debilitating problems in my mind that sometimes don’t even extend to my immediate surroundings and it feels like a whirlpool inside my mind. Where all the problems are gushing around on the outsides, circling my mind infinitely and in the middle, the most calm portion, that hole of water where I strive all my thoughts to be collected and ultimately resolved.

Ironies After the Argument

Those thoughts I had about a contrasting withering of Autumn, that poem I wrote about the change I will be having, it’s all been false hope so far. Nothing has changed for the good but fate has set out some ironies that I do readily hear him gloat upon. These ironies came after Lyssa and I had our argument and it began with Phoenix (The easiest person I know) having a boyfriend.

The first irony came to be true and then after that another slap in the face. This I have not yet commented about but on Sunday I was prank called upon waking up. There were two girls on the phone around my age and after some time I got to head to their house.

The whole scene was set for me to head over there and get some quick carnal delights but I was played for the fool by two girls that I thought to be unattractive. The irony of the situation was that fate and faith had both mocked me by baiting me with sex and then taking it from me in an ironic situation. The irony was that they didn’t like what they had seen, in other words, I wasn’t up to scratch for them. The truth is that I thought one of them was a pig and the other one was a half decent blonde but the fact that I was rejected was irony enough.

Fate Taunts Me Again

Fate truly does taunt me this month. Actually, fate has taunted me since my breaking up with Lyssa and if you want to take it back further, fate did taunt me when I started going out with Jewell. It lays the bait there for me but then something always has to go wrong. To think of all the relationships that I’ve had there is some irony in them.

Kathryn was only around for one week and I thought it ironic that I was falling in love with her and she was with me but we had no time for it. There was Pavlina whom I thought to make unchaste with sex but it wasn’t enjoyed because I didn’t like her and back then I couldn’t go off. The Valerie that used to live with Simba was also another irony as I got onto her, I start to fall for her and then a night or two later I hear she is back with her boyfriend and cheating on him with other guys.

Skipping past my other mistakes, fate truly did mock me and shake the grounds in which I believed in it when he brought me the memory of Rochelle. I so much hoped and believed for a little while that it was going to be Faith but what do you know… However, irony did serve me a country hick like Faith but the satire of the occasion came with the appearance and the lowered IQ of what I had envisioned.

Old Flames and Old Mockery

Getting deeper into the mockery of fate to my emotions we begin with Phoenix who once again was a girl to sleep with me, make me grow feelings for her and then after my friends all telling me she was a slut she goes back to her old boyfriend. That did leave my emotions free for Jewell and it would seem that this was a match made in heaven but it quickly caved in.

The irony of this situation rears its ugly head when I started going out with Lyssa and Jewell and I started to express our feelings towards each other like we hadn’t done before. As if satire was mocking me, this unseen infatuation had woven its dread into my relationship causing me and Lyssa to break up but not to separate. The mockery continued when Jewell after so much time finally told me that she didn’t want me, how much more could fate truly create irony in a situation.

Now we come to the present where I felt greatly sexualized after my empty endeavor on Friday night and I’ve had these two chances to make it better but fate will not allow it. Those two chances were sex with Phoenix or sex with those two girls where I could have created a threesome but both of them had denied me in one way or another. Mockery, irony, I live with it every day, with my fate that attaches itself to my love life and my lost complacency of a great night of sex…

Skipping Meals and Skipping Rope

Let me now just divert attention to my eating habits for the past couple of nights. I do feel that because of my ceasing the Gym lately because of money problems I will be getting unfit but it doesn’t help when I miss meals. On top of that I haven’t been skipping lately but tonight I did get back into the groove with 1000 repetitions on the skipping rope.

These past two or three nights I have been eating less during my days and it’s usually my breakfast I miss out on. Because I’ve had to go out to Campbelltown or attend other matters I haven’t been able to eat but it does have a bonus, I’m losing morning fat calories. However, when tomorrow pops up mum will be buying some food for the fortnight so I figure this lapse of eating will be substituted with nutritious food.

The Neighbor Is Moving

Ah, what sweet sorrow parts my lips when it speaks of the man next door moving. When I was leaving on Friday to meet up with Lyssa the lady came from next door and as usual she told me to turn my music down. However, the reason she had this time around was that she was moving and some of the people weren’t deciding to buy the house because of the loud music they could hear from next door.

Sounding quite funny to me when she had left I took up on my wager to turn the music down until they sold the house so I can finally be rid of them. When she had left I started thinking to myself that I was the only existent wog on my street, of ethnic background, everyone else was Australian or close to it. I hope that when they move from next door I will get some hot blonde living there, what a world that will be, yummy…

Beauty Along Bradbury

This consideration brings me to a lighter note, one that still involves beautiful women. Speaking of the streets in general that are attached or closest to my street, I feel that the beauty factor amongst Bradbury is ascending. When I think about it, I see beautiful girls walking around down at Bradbury shops all the time and when you think of the jackpot across the street I call Caprice and then the newfound girl down the street and the other one across the street, things are starting to look up.

Time is on my side as I know my parents will never think about moving from Bradbury but what a shock it would be to my life if that did happen. Would I try and stay here by renting or would I go with my parents. Would they allow me to rent out their flat or would I be forced out by myself, who knows…

A Brand New Word

There are three more thoughts I must append in this Diary before I begin my chronology. Never did I think that these points that have been dwelling here for days would cover up so many pages but they have and there are still more to come. Foremost, I have a new word I want to add to the already expanding philosophy of mine. This word I have been coming across lately for use but have been shocked to find there is no such word in the dictionary or in English circulation. Thus, judging by what context I wanted to use it in I have devised a meaning for my word and will elaborate correctly.

The word is ‘Disgress’ that can also be used as ‘Disgression’, ‘Disgressing’, ‘Disgressor’ and there could be more affixes, prefixes or suffixes but I shall keep it bleak for now. To disgress means to say, to share an opinion with and usually it is uttered in a strongly opposing in a denying nature. Thus, to speak “I must disgress” would mean “I must say” or “I must share with you my own opinion”.

Now to elaborate more upon the opposing or denying nature. When one accuses “You do love to hate” one could say “I am bound by disgression upon this matter” which would ultimately mean “I strongly deny and oppose to your accusation that I am a hateful person and my opinion upon this matter bounds me to truth”. To be a disgressor of sex would be one who has an opinionated objection to sex. One more illustration would derive one’s saying “I must disgress, I didn’t kill him” to mean “I must strongly object, I deny killing him” or quite simply “No, no, no, I didn’t kill him”. There you have it, now use it wisely.

Time and Another Ice Age

I surely am a disgressor of time, I hate it for what hours it does not give me in these mornings or when it makes haste of my most loved hours but I do love time for how it brands special days with its name. With my next thought comes the thought of time and without time, this conception would never exist.

The next two ideas are about movie plots where they are rather bleak and wanting in a better story line but it is what I came up with. Imagine what our world would be like if we had ourselves another Ice Age after the year 2000. You would think this wasn’t possible and that we would find a means to prevent it but we are fragile on this world’s surface. Computers would cease to work, food would be scarce to come by, people would die from cold and hunger, our world would be a desolate place.

However, there would be days of sunshine but because the whole world is iced over the sun will never be able to melt away the layer of ice. Thus, a movie could be created, of an adventure of survival and a peer into technology in this era. There would be no need for cars as they would cause a dangerous mode of transport, airplanes would cease to fly as it would also be dangerous. Computers if still in use will have to be decorated with heating insulation and food would always be scarce.

The world’s ocean’s would be frozen up creating a frozen road to whichever country you would want to travel to. With boats, marine life and marine vegetation gone a part of the ecological equilibrium would be lost. However, in the movie of my mind I see hordes of people skating, using huskies and finding other means to travel from country to country.

The ultimate goal of the movie is centered on a main group of people who set off to find what they believe to be a part of Earth that still has vegetation, dry land, water and sun. Therefore, they set off in this perilous journey, meeting people along the jaunt as there is no longer proper communication through the world involving satellites, television or radio. The movie could end with them finding dry land and sun on a tropic line across the equator, who knows, I don’t…

A Yugoslavian Movie Plot

The second movie story is based upon the Yugoslavian war that is happening right as I speak. The thought of this sparked patriot thoughts in my head and with it I came up with a humble story line. It would start with a man in modern society seeing that his home land is being attacked by the biggest force in the world, right now it is NATO. Being a patriot he goes on protests in his home town and when they don’t work he decides to intervene.

With his voice amongst the people he begins a pilgrimage to Yugoslavia that is covered on nationwide television. His bid is to fight for his country and as he dies suddenly and early in the movie he is considered a hero. Thus, people of all walks (But mostly Yugoslavian) decide to continue his pilgrimage and as masses start get drawn to his bravery they too decide to share in his glory. Thus, something like a million man march begins from all parts of the world to Yugoslavia and there they protest and fight for the freedom of Yugoslavia. Nice little ring to it don’t you think.