Explaining My Greedy Love Sonnet (Part 4) – Mad Chaos: March 9, 1999

Beginning the Newest Sonnet

Now, let me begin upon my newest Sonnet named ‘Wherefore art thou, my love’s perilous greed’…

Controversially part of the lost years Sonnets it could deem to be discreditable in time’s swinging wand but I feel that with explanation, it will not be dubbed the formidable Sonnet.

What the Heading Means

Beginning with the heading, it would mean to say for what reason are you, my love’s dangerous greed. The dangerous greed that is comprised of my love is my love’s greed for Jewell, to have Jewell in my loving grasp. Thus, the heading already indicates that Jewell was dangerous to my love and to try and love her so greedily was my downfall.

All I wanted was for Jewell to feel how I did for her but rather, she was more confused than loving at the start and more of a shadow of a friend than a reminiscent lover in the latter part of the lost years. The heading also notes that I don’t fully understand how Jewell could be so detrimental to my love, why was my greed to love Jewell such a dangerous one.

That shall be explained later but to explain briefly, I feel this wanted love was so dangerous because I was never given love’s equality of her. Thus, each day my loving ways grew more obscure and in the end I learnt that I was just weak to love and weak of love.

The First Quatrain

Starting now on the actual Sonnet the first quatrain takes a perspective on how beautiful the love of Jewell is (1.1). That in the days back when I used to be going out with her (But speaking in a present tense) she was the all of love on earth that I desired and the love that I had seen in her was so great that it embodied the whole of heaven. Thus, spiritually and bodily, I had seen the ether of love in her and I had seen the all of its exuberance but her love, I never did get to grace (1.2).

Her love that she held within her and that I wanted so badly to equal mine was such a confused love and her love to me would have been a great benefit (Boon) but it never did blossom. Rather, Jewell kept her confusion surfaced and her love shelved and because she never showed her love favorably to me, she was only the ember’s of my love’s fire for her (1.3). If Jewell loved me then my love’s fire would have been burning for her but it was more a yearning for her love that ceased to ignite the embers that glowed in love’s fire.

Jewell allowed just enough glow to keep me strung on for the whole of our relationship and some embers did extinguish but what was left did remain when we started talking with each other again on the phone. Now those ember’s of our wanted love are buried and dead never able to burn a blaze. Line (1.4) notes that when the ember’s glow (represented as the content glow that the ember’s sun brought) was extinguished it was extinguished forever. The sun represents the glowing embers and the moon represents the extinguishing of love’s embers.

The tethered moon signifies that the drowning of the embers will be forever, darkness upon the lost years will ensue. With the extinguishing of the faint wanted love I felt I ended the lost years.

The Second Quatrain

The second quatrain speaks of what I have learnt from letting my love’s deceptive want go on for too long. It speaks that I have learnt with extreme or excessive care about small details to see clearly (1.5) why love’s craving was so misled for so long. If a bird does not chirp at dawn like all birds do (1.6) then that really isn’t a bird. So to, if a love does not love then it really isn’t love.

Jewell never showed me any signs of love and though I thought she was the bird that would chirp at dawn, she never did. Like the ember’s glow, there never was more than a glow of interest to love and that was seen in Jewell caring for what I did and crying on the phone when we would speak of our unbridled passion but she never spoke of love even though I tried greedily to make her be that chirping bird.

Knowing now that I was pushing love’s idea onto someone that hid any effort of love, I ask myself, for what reason did I try so hard to attain love when all I done was be scorned by it (1.7). Why did I offer myself so blindly to love when I knew that if I had backed away a tiny little step, Jewell would have readily accepted that (1.8). The use of ‘Dove’ here signifies that if I had tried to present peace to Jewell (Meaning I would back away from my greed for love) she would have happily accepted that with open arms.

Jewell was confused since the day I met her about the idea of love and going out with me and going out with me was confusing to her. Love confused her and my trying to find love in her and I think that my saying “Do you want to be friends” would have relieved so much of her stress and probably been what she had wanted. For my love in Jewell to have worked she must have to love me also but that never happened and thus, my love for her was not realized and it was only a betroth to love, never married.

The Third Quatrain

The third quatrain changes pace and speaks how my love was like a vulture (1.9) and in his dying embers, it considered me dead to love as I never would have it. Vultures feed on dead pray in reality and considering me dead, love plucked away at what I thought was fair and authentic in my life (1.10). I thought that there was a love between Jewell and I but love ate away at me throughout the lost years but more so in the time that Jewell and I were together.

The fact that Jewell’s confused state would never love me as much as I wanted to love her it pecked at my idealism of love and each day, it broke me down. Love hurts they say and so does a wanted love that never happens. It didn’t hurt me but rather, I felt betrayed when it was all over. The feelings that I felt for Jewell in our days of going out and beyond was like being promised to marry Jewell’s love but never marrying it (1.11).

Although I kept feeding this wanted love hoping that the day I married my love with Jewell’s would come the constant trauma of such a long engagement left me in pieces, a broken man to love’s belief (1.12). Because my love for Jewell was never allowed to blossom the vultures of love’s perilous greed had eaten away at me and I was left wounded in love and not believing in true love anymore.

However, I did end up meeting Lyssa months later and although she was the Band-Aid to heal my love the wound kept surfacing with my continual conversations with Jewell over the phone.

The Ending Couplet

The ending couplet concludes the whole of the Sonnets direction in stating that I am just a quick frailty to love (1.13). As reeds break easily with the elements, so to is my fragile nature to love. Casting a simile upon my frailty to love and that of a hand shown to be frail when it bleeds (1.14) this represents that I do bleed in love just as I do bleed in life.

Also, as love hurts, I bleed from love’s wrongs that misguide, just as my hand bleeds. This Sonnet speaks of my mistakes to gain love and my frailty in love and how I was foolish to think that I could gain a love that was never there to begin with.