A Love Greater Than Love (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: February 12, 1999

Hours Into the Morning

The time is so far into the morning that I have not noticed me spending countless hours on this newest Sonnet. It is once again branded from the lost years even though it doesn’t speak directly of it but it speaks of the supposed love from it. Anyway, I have already written at least four or five pages of literature that goes is subsequent to this text and the poem so let me cut straight to the poem so I can concentrate more on it’s explanation.

These scents of love bade my blossom to naught

(‘The Lost Years’ Sonnets)

Love’s unconditional floweret ‘twas,

That Roses and Violets did buds there flock,

Her knees did they wreathe that felt she no loss,

And time didst they bloom that ceased her face knock,

‘Twas a swift life that turned swifter death’s bide,

Her one cheek blemished, the other unjust,

Roses discolored and cheeks did they chide,

That could not disdain, her own strongest gust,

Hoped she for the best but feared for the worst,

That chanced her brow with poetic delight,

Aside didst her heart that mine didst she burst,

‘Twas with her light shunned, as dark as the night,

Yet, I thenceforth her continued to meet,

That made long of short and short of her sweet,

Stepping Back From the Poem

This Sonnet took me hours to complete as I have been rather pressed for thoughts despite being mentally able but even though I do feel this is the least effective of the ‘Lost Years Sonnets’ in terms of readability I do believe it is the most affective in explanation. The least does bring out the best in this Sonnet and upon completion I stepped back from my poem and examined it.

With that step back I realized that this was the only Sonnet in the series that spoke of ever being any significance to a guiltless ‘Love’ between Jewell and I. For a little while I thought this Sonnet contradicted all the other Sonnets that used ‘Lust’ as the explanation for my blinded feelings towards Jewell and looking through all my Sonnets I soon realized the enormity of this Sonnet.

What the Flower Meant

The immensity in this poem is that it speaks of the love that was with Jewell and I upon meeting each other and going out. In my time being with Jewell I never did really believe we were in love but the feelings I had within me being around Jewell were certainly above that of love and thus the first line of the Sonnet “Love’s unconditional floweret ‘twas”. This simply meant that what I was feeling being around Jewell at the start of our relationship right until the days it started to fall apart (Where the Rose buds and that of the Velvets stopped growing) was a love sprouting so great, you could not refuse it.

Thus, what I felt and what was growing greatly on me was greater than love itself. For that you could say this love greater than love that didn’t feel like love but a greater feeling could indeed have been a deep infatuation, lust. Therefor, this poem speaking of unconditional love in the time I was going out with Jewell could indeed be a great infatuation of love as I was blinded to think it was love’s reality.

Love as a Lady

To explain the title more clearly spoken, I could sniff love in the making but that very sniffing commanded my love to become nothing in the end. This whole Sonnet speaks of love as being a lady that takes form in the Sonnet. The whole Sonnet apart from the heading and line (1.11) speaks of love’s form and how she is brandishing herself with her own efforts. The more effort I tried to put into love the more the love on her other cheek was turning a blind eye and making love’s face blemished. Let me now in a new paragraph speak the huge philosophy behind this Sonnet.

The Philosophy Behind It

Before explaining this Sonnet you must first understand that all my other Sonnets that talked of emotions largely talked about or solely talked about lust. This poem here speaks solely of love as it transforms love into a female figure. Thus, there is no doubt that love is in this Sonnet but there is only a vague sign and a vaguer possibility that love was at all blooming.

Although the Sonnet speaks of love’s role it only speaks of love and not who loved who with this love. Lust is also tried in the last couplet of this Sonnet but it speaks how lust grows off the deadness of love. This derives that lust indeed comes from a dead and uncaring love and therefor you can give way to the reasoning that there was ‘Lust After Love’. Lust is still clinging onto love’s form which shows the desperation I had in trying to attain that love back from Jewell but it never worked for me.

The true reflection in this Sonnet consequently is not in the faults or strengths of Jewell and I but for the sake of two lines, it was solely about love’s losing battle. This poem always gives way to ask the philosophical question ‘Was it really love or just a love greater than love which was indeed a great lust”, that question I hope I will now answer.

Line by Line Starting With Flowers

Firstly, starting with line (1.1) it starts the representation of the main figure in the Sonnet, love. It speaks in my annotation here that the form of love in my relationship with Jewell at the very beginning was something I just couldn’t refuse. It was as if love was handing me a flower and the terms of her love given were unconditional, I couldn’t refuse what was given to me.

This does not say that I was in love with Jewell but that I was just taking all that love gave to me and it gave it’s all to me, unconditionally. For this reason, to say that I was being over-brimmed with love by being given more than I could possibly handle, it was a love bigger than love. Therefor, I must once again say that this love bigger than love could actually have been an immense lust in love’s obscure form.

That’s why I was so confused to say I loved Jewell because there’s no real truth in that but with that thought constantly being asked in my mind and then being rejected all the more you would tend to think that the love was so immensely felt that it must indeed have been a greater lust. It remains to be seen if I ever loved Jewell at any time, or was it always a lust that clung on to what it could as it knew that in a matter of time it would be all gone, lust and probably love.

Confusion at the Start

Without a doubt, there was a possibility in love at the start of our relationship but because I couldn’t see it within her I was on a confused all time high, never able to share it but for a few moments with one more confused. Within this ‘Unconditional floweret’ that love held did flourish with Roses and Violets and all other flowers (1.2) of a blooming love.

The interest in love was so great that the buds could not wait to flock into this ‘Unconditional floweret’ of love’s and in turn, they did grow into symbols of love. But, despite all this attention to love it is deceptive to say there was ever any love. It goes to say as I feel it was a love greater than love then, there was a flock of seeds greater than a normal flock, deception.

Knees and Vines

More hearsay to love’s rite is line (1.3) that speaks of the seeds that grow for love’s symbolization do wrap around the legs and knees. The knees signifies a weakness that could be in love’s form but in love there is no weakness found and she feels no loss to weakness. With this love greater than love there was no weakness created in the growing blossoms of love’s symbolization and love found new strength to strengthen the weakness and make it all taught.

Therefor, in our world nothing was wrong but we both know in reality, everything was amiss. Over our short space of time being together (Which I made to be 50 days but love’s growing ceased before then) love’s growing vines did grow rapidly to the neck (1.4) and stop before coming to the face. From this, you may also determine that I was in supposed love, brimming up to my chin.

You could almost hear the poem shouting out “I was in love up to here…”. With the swiftness of love’s inclination and then as swift as love declined its quest (1.5) the Sonnet in this line exaggerates how fast love lost it’s interest and then remained unloving for the remainder to this day. The use of the words ‘Life’ and ‘Death’ are to explain the exuberance of love’s effectiveness.

Swift Life and Swift Death

How love was living when Jewell and I were together and how it started to decline and die when Jewell finally broke the news to me, or even before then. I fail to exonerate Jewell of ever loving me or feeling a certain aspect of that love. If she didn’t then this poem would be solely in my favor towards the love I felt back then. Nevertheless, if Jewell felt there was something big in the air that involved the main character here, love, then that’s a different and more shared enterprise.

Blemished Cheeks

Moving now to the characteristics of love, when the thought of love from the both of us ceased the buds stopped blooming and the flowers of unconditional love stopped growing. Love’s face had not been taunted with this dying but the withering did bring to love’s beautiful appearance a negative aspect from me (1.6). Love to me was now blemished in my mind and I felt it to be unjust. Because Jewell told me to head off and despite my writing my heart’s poetry to her the conclusion that led to no avail tainted my belief in love.

Thus, in one light (One of love’s sides, one of her beauteous cheeks) I found a flaw in love and in another light I could see love as only being unfair to me. Because of this disregarding thought to love the Roses that grew from buds and withered in dying did their discolor (1.7) onto love’s cheeks scold. With this failed love, the red on the cheeks could also been seen as a humiliation suffered from love itself for not delivering itself onto me or Jewell.

Despite all of love’s efforts, (1.8) she couldn’t even with the strongest gust of wind or effort wipe the humility from her face. Love could not do right by itself by rising above the humiliation that did itself disdain love. It goes to say once again that I never did out of love’s humiliation escape and for the rest of the time I knew Jewell after our break up love was humiliated because of lust’s disguise within it, both while going out with Jewell and after.

Hoping for the Best

Love hoped that love once again attained would prevail but love’s hoping for the best (1.9) led her to fear for the worst. In this play on words that also speaks my feelings towards the relationship it also goes on to speak how with love, (1.10) I took a last risk to get back that love with poetry. Hence, those last days that Jewell and I were together were when I tried with love to savor some of it and with love, my poetry persisted each day.

Alas, in line (1.11) which is the only line that speaks directly of Jewell and I but without using our names I note how Jewell put her heart to the side and because of that, she broke my heart. This can not go without saying that a broken heart was a loving heart and thus, was I really in love or not.

There is much speculation even from myself but if love itself was fooled and then humiliated by lust posing as the seeds that were planted and later caused love’s death then why can’t a heart break because of that falsified love. Jewell did not falter in her wanting to end it on our given day so with her shunning love’s light (1.12) love was thence a dark word to be spoken in light of Jewell.

Meeting Over the Phone

The last couplet goes onto break tradition with the rest of the Sonnet. It declares that even after my heart had been broken and love was dark to be thought of with her inclusion, I kept in continuance to meet with her (1.13). This meeting didn’t happen face to face but rather, it was a meeting of fantasy, over the phone. The last line of the Sonnet derives the most meaning to say the least. I continued to meet with a hampered and humiliated love that was trying once again to find its identity but it never did.

Instead, my conversations with Jewell over the phone dragged on what fleeting love we might have had in our hey-days, the humiliated love that had now been taken over by lust. So feigned love was now made a long feigned love and the sweetness that once came with love’s first growth was now also shortened. Thus, with my wanting to hold onto that loving bond between Jewell and I and mind you, behind Lyssa’s back, the attachment there was much prolonged and sweet-less. You can go on to say that because of the sweet-less that came with our continuing something lost it turned to be bitter.

‘Long Bitter Love’ would be the ascendancy of this explanation and to go beyond would be to say the ‘long of short’ and ‘short of her sweet’ was indeed ‘Tasteless Lust’. And you would be right to say our secret phone calls and trying to keep our confused lustful emotions on the down-low would be ‘Tasteless Lust’. Anyway, that is the culmination of my explaining the concept and derivation of this Sonnet, now it is time to place this Sonnet in contrast and contradiction with my other Sonnets.