Writing the First Lost Years Sonnet (Part 3) – Mad Chaos: January 3, 1999

Splitting the Workout Day

Now that I’ve finished speaking of my day let me just once again prepare some thoughts for this paper here that is printed upon. While having a shower earlier on today I thought about my working out and how I should incorporate another day’s worth of working out in somewhere. I also thought that extra money for an extra day would be a waste of time so for that reason I conjured the idea of splitting a day of working out into the morning and evening.

Let this only be one day a fortnight or once a week at the most but I’ve done it before and I know I can do it again. The extra workout will be upon the muscle groups that I want to get noticed starting with the legs and isolating muscle groups like the shoulders, trapezius, forearms or even some more ab workouts. The morning session will inevitably be the isolation muscle groups where I will have more energy to work out my normal muscle groups in my normal time of the afternoon.

I’ll probably need a couple of days to help me adjust to the new changes but I can probably start on Monday next week and get myself a day pass for the Gym. My ambition to start working out at the Gym happened and so did my three days a week of training so I figure this can also work granted I give it some time and devotion.

Saving Money for Big Plans

I’ve also been thinking about my devotion to get a job after my birthday and I figure with the Olympics starting early next year and me wanting to be there I’ll have to start saving money pretty quickly. Either that or I get a job that pays real good money so I figure that I should go for a packing job at Franklins or something that pays me over $500 a week so that I can save for all the things that I want.

Once again, some of those things on the list include, clothes, Gym expenses, a car, contact lenses and now a new problem. With all this commotion about the millennium bug I have to upgrade my computer by the end of this millennium as well as purchasing a printer, scanner, a modem and all other cool gadgets.

This computer is my shrink and my lifeline and I would lose myself if I lost the words in here. If this computer broke down then so far I would stand to lose three years of literature typed by me and over 3000 pages of text not to mention millions of thoughts and hundreds of poetical articles. I would probably fall under a coma or have a huge stress attack…

The Lost Years as Art

Now that we are finally into the new year we don’t have to remember any part of the lost years and I would care not to refer to those emotions except in poetical touch. As my thoughts are the artisan and my mind is the canvas these last two years in my Diary have been the painting in which I have created. Such is the lost years that my mind has painted such a distinctive picture that now stands like a masterpiece painting, etched so with detail and hung upon your mind’s wall.

This masterpiece truly does glorify the meaning I which a picture has a thousand words, this one holds a million or more. I’m sure that if Jewell was to read this passage she would think the same of the idea that these words are our mind’s masterpiece and I’m sure if she has read this I have probably inspired her to start drawing this intricate masterpiece. So, the lost years are now a masterpiece of the visionary and if ever someone was to be inspired to draw a masterpiece it would surely have to be captioned the lost years.

For that reason I have devised a thought for the artisan to complete unto my mind’s canvas. This shall be a tribute of Sonnets to the lost years, probably a series of four of them in conjunction with these years of illusion. I have thought already to write a poem about my thoughts now upon Jewell and also a contrast of opinions included of the lost years and beyond. Another Sonnet will be depicted as if Jewell’s hand was writing it.

Thus, I will take her form and write as if she was thinking these thoughts. The third will be a poem of the elements where a centered or godly voice will speak of the lost years and beyond. Maybe I will split the lost years and the time after that into two different Sonnets of contrast but similarities to a degree. This shall be a tribute to my ongoing memories even though they are slight within my mind and I hope to start it off tonight as I have a feel for poetry tonight.

Biorhythm Cycles Tonight

Before I head off tonight let me include my Biorhythm Cycles for tonight as I feel they are needed this month once again.

Physical 23 DAY CYCLE 7th DAY +7

Emotional 28 DAY CYCLE 19th DAY -5

Mental 33 DAY CYCLE 10th DAY +10

Dawn and One Finished Sonnet

Well, the time is now well into the early hours of the morning and to be exact the time is now 5:46 a.m. The first inclusion of my Sonnets depicting the lost years has been written and basically it’s about the mess in my mind that I have vowed to clean up and have done so with realization and judgment. My eyes are very tired and I should be getting myself to sleep any time soon as I haven’t stayed up this late for a long time.

This Sonnet has taken me a fair while to complete, more than an hour and a half, maybe two hours at the most. This is just the beginning of a series of Sonnets where this Sonnet is more on the liberating side where I finally unleash the thoughts of Jewell that have been clouding my mind for so long, where I unleashed them on September 16th in actuality but until now I’ve had a thought or two about her.

This has been a pretty good Diary entry and already I have typed out a fair amount of pages. Well, as you can probably see I’ve just been writing practically nothing and a bit of jargon to get this page ended so I can print my Sonnet in it’s entirety. Let’s just hope in the future that it won’t all come undone if I have to shrink the writing or do something fancy, then where would I be. Now it is time that I print out the poem…

A Sonnet for Jewell

Cleansed shall be such a plague as concern

(‘The Lost Years’ Sonnets)

Such ‘tis that bitters the buds of my tongue,

This passage for angels my winked eyes see,

Circle my mind if you must so high-strung,

These thoughts needn’t wings, nor do they reach thee,

Of you my lost mistress, my mind’s beset,

Art thou to once more dwell amongst my brow,

Our love was of lust and now with regret,

This chancellor’s justice I do allow,

Love’s crime shall I judge here in my mind’s court,

Of beguiled love shall plead I of frailty,

An doubt is doubtful of doubtful thought,

Then must doubts beliefs be of certainty,

Yet, honors my mind how faith’s bee shall sting,

This uniform of death the lost years bring,

Explaining Every Line

Starting from the first line of the poem let me justify line by line what everything means. It makes me cringe (Line 1.1) when I close my eyes and think of you so angelic, so innocent (1.2). These thoughts of you circling my mind are so anxious and impatient (1.3) and when I say “If you must” (1.3) I mean to say that those thoughts are also unwelcome in my mind. These thoughts of you don’t need wings (Wings meaning using speech to get it across) (1.4) as I carry them as a burden like a ball and chain in my mind.

Forbidden am I to tell anyone for fear of abomination and because I don’t proclaim my problems they do not reach anyone (1.4). Because of you who played my mistress I am plagued and troubled (1.5). I wonder if you will once again live inside my head (1.6) as you had for so long in our fantasy in the lost years. Now that you are gone and we no longer speak will you once again plague my mind as I sometimes think how it could have been.

We were never in love, rather we lusted after such qualities of each other (1.7) and now I regret that I will allow my mind to seek justice (1.8). Shall I think upon what I have done wrong with love and I will plead that my mind was weak as a result of a love that seduced that of my mind (1.10) Seduced with understanding and appreciation of my poetry and an understanding in conversation. ‘If doubt is doubtful of doubtful thought’ (Line 1.11) means that doubt is indecisive when it comes to thought that is in doubtful.

So my mind does not want to believe that there is a doubt that my mind was frail so it believes that my frailty was certain and true (1.12). Therefore, I pardon myself of all the blame being mine and with this pardon I forget about those thoughts of the mistress that for long had burdened my mind. Yet, I am honored that the strength and courage of my faith that partly got rid of the thoughts within the lost years (1.13) has also stung the death that the lost years brought (1.14).

Death being the loss of Jewell then for a short while the loss of Lyssa from being my girlfriend as well as Ali who is now not my friend. I am saying that by stinging ‘The uniform of death that lost years bring’ I have taken a step in fighting the death that’s ensued following the lost years by ridding some thoughts. Well, enough of the explanation, time to head off…