Resolutions and the Lion I Fed (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: January 1, 1999

A Few Lines for Fate

How majestic it does seem,

That fates hand hath wonders bring,

And faith of balanced repose too,

Doth yield to wonders old and new,

Faith, it does bring wonders,

Fate, it does work wonders,

A New Man This Year

These ballads of late have not been of Sonnets as my mind does ask for change. How befitting upon the new year these changes take place and to ask of me to be a new man this year, what would one ask. This year has so much pressure to perform, so much expectations. For an example, this year is an acceptance to Nostradamus’ prediction of World War III, will it happen.

If so then these diary entries might prove worthless when trashed or priceless once rediscovered. Time on this Diary is priceless and I am thankful that I have such that will challenge my thoughts as well as unleash them. This Diary has served me for three years now and I hope that it will serve me for much longer in the future, as a source of inspiration, as a chance of reasoning, a library and a friend.

Dogged on the Last Night

Last night before the new year was upon us I didn’t have enough time to write my thoughts and feelings of the year in my Diary simply because I was rushed or felt rushed. Last night I also had no faith in having a good night because everyone had dogged me in going out. Keith who had driven me around for the day failed to tell me that he was off to a party that night and he ended up diverting his phone to Tamsen’s line.

Calling Tatton up earlier in the day and later in the day his answer would always be no. It just took Tatton a couple of hours spinning me in circles before he could inform me that he would rather stay home and watch a video for new years than go out and have a great time. Sad as it was to find some companionship I even tried calling Kuper and Kofi but luckily for my pride neither of them were home.

I gave Johnnie a call also but not having enough faith in myself I just wished him a happy new year and found out he was going to a friend’s house later in the conversation anyway. My night was lost and I was bound to be all alone but I did make it better for myself and later you will learn how.

Resolutions I Almost Skipped

Lyssa asked me a day or two before new years eve if I had a new years eve resolution. Lyssa wanted to do good at work and Nikita wants to keep smoking but I really had no answer to give. Now that I think about it my new years eve resolution would be not to have a new years eve resolution for this year but considering this year of importance I knew I had to give it some thought.

This year I hold important and more meaningful than others because I am old enough in mind and body now not to let my life slip away as I have been for the last year or so. So for that reason I have set myself some goals for my mind to play upon and for myself to achieve upon later in this year. The first new years resolution would be for me to once again get active and find myself a job.

On the other hand, I would prefer for everything to happen after my birthday being eighteen days from now. Before my birthday I wouldn’t mind spending my time as I have, visiting the beach, dancing at nightclubs and just relaxing. Once I have my job I will strive to keep working out and on top of that build a greater body than I have now, more solid and cut up.

Cars, Clothes and Friends

On the topic of my appearance I would love this year to be the year of purchasing a car. More clothes for nightclubs as well as casual wear where in turn I can go out and meet more people, make new friends. Let’s face it, the people I know now, well most of them are idiots. I need good friends that I can mix with, people that like what I like and frankly no one likes the blend of music, bodybuilding, poetry and sexual exploits like I do.

Tanning myself some more at the beach would also be cool but I would love later in life to reinvent myself, probably with dreads or waves in my hair. Contact lenses would be a must later in the year and getting my teeth cleaned by the dentist would also be valuable. The second largest priority resolution for me would be to have myself another girlfriend, someone that isn’t completely different in styles and tastes. On top of all that, my awaiting of the next new years eve party in 2000 will be a momentous occasion, I will probably once again be in the City.

Closing the Lost Years

Thankfully, I’m glad that last year is over. Even though there were some good times resulting in me going out with Lyssa and starting my workouts again all of that was masked by the mere fact that concealed things were happening. the lost years I would like to call them and yesterday was the closing of that book and that chapter in my life.

Those years I would like to forget but those memories are priceless to my learning experience. These lost years started with the first day of 1997 and ended the last day of 1998. The main reason that these are the lost years and should be shunned from my mind are because I was leading two lives, one too many. My emotions were all over the place and I messed up.

The Lion Called Jewell

For my thoughts now upon Jewell, I think nothing of her but for those fleeting moments when I do. These thoughts have been over the last few days of last year where I would reminisce over the smallest things never wishing I was with her but thinking what could have been. These thoughts I should have printed in the lost years a couple of days ago but alas, I had not much time so tonight I will elaborate.

Lately, when my mind was alone and it did wander I thought upon Jewell. Seeing people on the street that look like her or hearing people that talk like her bring me back memories that only a smile begets my face. Jewell, who so sweat she did shine was like the tamed lion that needed not to be forced into captivity.

The lion did get allured by the food left upon its breast and it did seduce the lion over time. The meat was always placed and the lion did always come and in turn it was tame to the hand that fed it but the lion could never be forced into a world of humanity.

It is now I realize that my phone calls to Jewell was the alluring that kept her hooked after we broke up. The bait was always left for the lion and in turn I was the one always calling Jewell. As much as I wanted to be with Jewell I didn’t want to force myself upon someone that didn’t want me as much as I wanted her.

Like the lion that needed not be tamed or mastered to feed upon your hand. For that reason I gave Jewell the space we both deserved and even though I don’t regret ceasing my feeding of the lion I do regret a ‘Never After’. The fact that Jewell and I will never be or never know bugs me and for that I am sad.

What Might Have Been

When I think upon Jewell I always think upon what it would be like if the two of us were to go out with each other later in life. How the both of us had so much in common and how we would have been a couple ‘meant to be’, as if we were destined. Our paths were so much alike that stubborn was an attribute that we both held.

If ever there would have been a perfect couple it could have been ours but for one link to fail of reasoning will break the chain of recognition ruining a possibility. I sometimes wonder if Jewell is ever thinking the same thoughts of me once in a blue moon and if ever she ever misses me in those lonely nights in her mind, I’d like to think so.

A Cold Voice on the Phone

Tonight when Min-Su and I were talking after Jett and her had a dispute and he left I was reminded once again of Jewell. Min-Su had some sort of a cold that transposed her voice enough to make me think it sounded like that of Jewell. So much that I asked Min-Su in her worried state to speak things that Jewell used to, things like “How’s it going mate” and “Throw another shrimp on the barbie.”

When Min-Su did speak these words so closely to Jewell a somber state did take me over but I also felt content. I felt like reaching out and saying something but I knew it wasn’t Jewell. As much as words of compromise would have lifted my spirits I kept my thoughts to myself as I usually do and here unleash them, as I usually do.

Poem About Faith and Fate

The poem I spoke of in the first lines of this entry speak of my confidence in faith and fate. It comes after a time where fate seemed to be bringing me dead end situations and faith did help with nothing. On the last day of last year these thoughts were roaming through my mind. Thinking that my whole year would have been ruined if I didn’t have a great new years eve celebration.

I didn’t want to be sitting at home alone like Tatton and I thought that if I went to the City alone I would have a bad time. That is why I didn’t believe as much in my faith of anything great happening last night and fate was just a bad word to me. You will see this in the last unformed Sonnet for last year and you will see the opposite in my few lines of poetry today.

From these words you will realize that my faith did come through in the end and once again I was confident in both faith and fate. I speak that fate did bring me a majestic night by working its wonders. And faith that was balanced with fate did also yield to me wonders through the night, new wonders and things that have happened before.