A Castle Built Around My Heart (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: January 28, 1999

A Sonnet From a Clouded Mind

Here I am once again for another day of scriptures but remarkably, I have something different to offer. That something is another Sonnet but, considering my mind has been acting clouded for the past couple of days it should be counted as a Sonnet that is less than my standards. My mind is still clouded and after thinking of the brainy title for this Sonnet and a couple of lines in the shower I had to run out and give them a try.

This shower was around 9:00 p.m. and since then and in between talking to Lyssa for half an hour I started working on my Sonnet. I wasn’t thinking properly because I feel negative mentally. Although I wasn’t strapped for thoughts I was stuck on the structure of the poem and what I was trying to get across.

My Emotional Castle

Well, what I was trying to get across in figurative terms is that my emotions are like a fortified castle. My Chest is like the defensive walls around that emotional castle and my heart is the sanctuary of my emotions for which my Chest protects. This Sonnet goes on to relate how I try to shield my emotion’s keep from hurtful emotions and in contrast, I welcome the encouraging emotions. The hurtful emotions that I do not allow find other ways in by creating a siege upon my castle and tearing down those walls. Where I didn’t want to get hurt emotionally it cannot be avoided.

Both the encouraging and hurtful emotions clash with each other upon the courtyard and it seems that the bloody battle will never end. What I am trying to get across with this thought in my Sonnet is that I can never feel emotionally healthy and emotionally unhealthy at the same time. If Lyssa told me she slept with some guy that would shatter emotions and figuratively speaking, that would be the hurtful emotions battering down my emotional wall. Now the encouraging emotions I had before told this news would be killed off and finally I will be left feeling upset.

Nevertheless, time along with the sun’s minstrel (Where the sun signifies healing and the minstrel sets to be the healer) shall heal the wounds and in turn change the hurtful besiegers into encouraging emotions. This is done with the majestic lyre where the tune is so great that all shall appease to it. With this soothing and calming shall change the mind’s of hurtful emotions and in realistic terms will heal my emotional damage. Attackers will turn into defenders of my castle and once again will wait for hurtful emotions to invade.

The sun is like a Godly figure, that can enter the fortifications freely. Unlike attackers who have to enter on land, the sun gilds all within the fortifications. The sun represents hope (A ray of hope) and happiness, and with this brings the hope of seeing another encouraging day. The heading just means that if the minstrel does want to play his healing songs then he shall play it with the greatest intensity. In other words, healing comes only when wounded fall and it comes in greatest severity. Now that I have basically explained my Sonnet I shall here print it and unto that, need no more explanation.

The Sonnet Itself

If thou dost play, thou play with all ’f sun’s luster

This breast of mine holds like a castle’s walls,

That shall he fend, this emotional keep,

Shall hope he assailants wreck on these shoals,

Where shallowest shoals are darkest as deep,

The all, to which drawbridge over such moat,

Shall bow to whom this barbican permits,

And those that shan’t shall batter his walled coat,

With fire’s boulders, to crumble his aegis,

And wer’t confusion that sets as odds clash,

On this cowed courtyard where conflict breathes dire,

And yet this unscathed sun’s minstrel sits brash,

And midst this court plays his majestic lyre,

This gilding bard these walls freely receive,

Shall conflict to peace with his tongue achieve,

Decoding the Shoals

Just a tiny bit more of explanation. Shoals (1.3) means banks of sand that make water shallow. With this you can imagine that the castle is more greatly defended with the ocean by it’s side. Therefore, it would be harder to siege the castle from all sides and here I hope that the assailants wreck their vessels upon the shallower parts of the beach.

The beach water is also greatly camouflaged as the shallowest banks of sand in the water (1.4) are as murky and as invisible as the ocean floor. ‘The all’ (1.5) represents all the emotional populace that wishes to enter where the drawbridge (1.5) is already open. All emotions which are allowed by the barbican to enter (1.6) are encouraging emotions signified by their will to ‘bow’.

We speak of one element being ‘Fire’ (1.8) that represents the keen and ambitious boulders that break down the walls in order to hurt me emotionally. In this Sonnet I speak of how I am such a defensive person and a person that tries to hide and ward off bad emotions. I don’t like to feel bad and I don’t like hearing bad news and that’s probably why I like keeping to myself, why I am stand-offish and why I am so defensive when it comes to getting hurt.

Cockroach Season Returns

Moving right along now, let me just firstly note that cockroach season is back on. By this I mean that tonight I spotted another cockroach in the bathroom and had it not been for the lack of toilet rolls I would have been overwhelmed with elation. He was a little sucker, not any bigger than the last one I caught, a baby in the business. So, I’m going to start flushing them in their adolescence am I. At least that will stop them from growing to be big boys and maturing but when will this cycle ever finally end.

Now my day wasn’t all too strenuous today and I’m glad that it wasn’t so I can try and complete my chronology. The time is now 1:25 a.m. and I guess I could have just enough time but I have to hurry. Before I begin on the latter part after my workout I just want to comment about a specific person in the Gym on Monday. I’m not sure if I’ve talked to her as yet or how detailed it has been but let me now speak.

The Girl in the Chinese Skirt

Monday while at the Gym I had seen this beautiful girl who was made more glorious than her average self by what she wore. While on the Wide Grip Pulldowns she was standing right next to me where her boyfriend was on the machine next to me. With a black Chinese skirt that ran diagonally ending longer down one leg at the front and shorter on the back. Apart from that she allured me with her slim body, her elegantly hugging top, her great tan, black hair that flowed to her shoulders and her beautiful face.

She would have been a year younger than me and looking at her walk with grace made me keep peeping now and again. Seeing her made me realize that there are two types of girls that I like. Now I remember some Diary entries ago I mentioned body types that I like being the Jewell type and the Lyssa type. Now there is the Lyssa type body (That Jewell partly fits into) and this newly introduced girl.

This girl that I spied who was tanned looked as if taking care of her body was top priority. People like that, who have great tans, look exuberant and healthy now attract me as opposed to people like Lyssa who naturally look good. Lyssa isn’t the sort to look after her body and therefore that is one thing we have less in common. Healthy people are now one of the two types of people I like, people who just look hot but were born with those traits are another type.

Ralf, Shawn and My Camera

Now, I shall start with the rest of Monday, that is the time after my workout. Having myself something to eat the time started growing to be around 8:30 p.m. Not too long after this I heard a knock on my door and answering it I found it to be Ralf and Shawn. They were at their indoor cricket game and beforehand I heard Ralf saying how they will kick the other teams ass or beat them comfortably. The story was completely contradicting as they were beaten by over 160 runs.

Keith rang my house while the both of them were there. He was with Binh and as he rang I asked if I could get my camera off Binh that night. Binh was alright with that and asked if I could head over to his house because both him and Keith were there. Ralf, Shawn and I were debating on what to do before the phone call and after hanging up we had ourselves something.

Jumping in Ralf’s car we made our way to Binh’s house but once we arrived there I noticed Keith’s car wasn’t there. Heading up to his door I knocked and a couple of seconds later his eldest brother came to the door and handed me the camera in a plastic bag.

Happy that I didn’t have to wait another day I made my way back to Ralf’s car as we headed out for a drive. Checking the camera and holding my baby back in my arms I became excited using the flash. In our bid to find something to do we looked around for Keith where we headed through Campbelltown, to Subway and then finally to Caltex.