Counting Pages Like an Encyclopedia – Mad Chaos: November 2, 1998

Awake Again Reading Myself

Why do I continually do this to myself, stay up late when I don’t need to. Tonight it was due to the fact that I became enrapt in reading my diary entries of the past and that turned into a fixation as my depressant mood was set by the music I was listening to and the literature I was reading.

Most of the things in my diary are depressing because my decisions have done so much self-harm and harm to others. This is what has depressed me and intrigued me at the same time causing deprivation of sleep tonight. I know last month I told myself I’m going to get a job and I know I’m gearing to get a job this month but really, is it going to happen.

My confidence is low and that pretty bad. What’s more, I’m not usually one to read between the lines and notice problems but my confidence deficiency has been noticed way before anyone else pointed it out to me. Usually for me to speak meaningfully of problems would mean that someone explained their reasoning to me and I finally clicked. That is me though, I’m smart, I have common sense but I just don’t read between the lines.

Never Reading Between Lines

A prime example of not reading between the lines was Jewell who for so long was playing me and finally she made it evident that she wanted to be friends. More than ever I wanted to believe myself in thinking that I was only being stupid to think Jewell wouldn’t want to get back with me but my ignorance was persistent because I didn’t read between the lines.

You can be smart and have common sense but if you are ignorant of both of these senses you won’t read between the lines and you’ll end up like me, fucked up. If I kicked away ignorance most of the times I wasn’t sure and just listened to my common sense I would have still been strongly in love with Lyssa and I would have learnt to either be friends with Jewell and only friends or forget about her completely.

Besides, I can always give Jewell a call in the future if I broke up with my girlfriend and thought we should once again start over but I was stupid to carry on for so long my cheating ways. Now my lesson has been taught and these mistakes will for so long be chiseled inside my head.

Counting My Pages

The reason I won’t be able to sleep now is because I have too much on my mind and sleep would be the last thing on my quarreling mind. My cold is receding and I no longer need tissues to blow my nose so you can say that just like last month’s cold, this will end around the same time in the month. Just a quick note… In the space of these three years I have been writing for since March 1996 I have just summed up the total pages per year.

I’ve noted once or twice before in my Diary and one or two people that my Diary in twenty years time will be like an Encyclopedia, that might come true. Even though 1996 started in March there were 577 pages of text for that particular year. For some reason pages slowed down to a considerate amount in 1997 but that was probably due to the fact I held two different jobs in that year.

Nearing the end of the year my pages started to pick up and for that reason I clocked 582 pages for the year. This past year of 1998 has been my most remembered, my most memorable and certainly the most detailed when it comes to literature in my Diary. There was no month under 70 pages this year and I feel that this was a result of my emotions constantly building up and me continually questioning if what I was doing considering Jewell was right or wrong.

This was a year of deception and colossal emotion with emotional barriers. Each emotional month grew and grew successively in my Diary and only in the extremely early stages of November right now I have notched up 1773 pages. Unbelievable you might think but I just look at this as a step to an Encyclopedia of information I will one day attain and let many have the chance to read through it, as my autobiography.