The wait for Simon was too long and figuring that we weren’t going into his house for the night we drove home. On the way home we talked about making short films and how Shawn has already devised a script for a short film. Shawn told me how he’s named all the people in his film and considering them cool but weird names we sat there trying to figure out a name for me. Shawn told me that I had to have a name and a nickname for my character so I came up with a list of names, one that truly stuck ‘Cashus Silva’ and my nickname, ‘Marx’. The nickname was for the reason I was a good shot with a gun, like a marksman. When you hear the name ‘Cashus Silva’ you think to yourself that it either sounds western or you get an image in your head of a Latino with a hair net covering his long hair, a gangsta. Other names included ‘Cashus Santiago’, ‘ Cashus Santino’, ‘Eddefus’ and ‘Santé Ester’.
The night was over with those remarks and stepping out of the car and into my house around 1:00 a.m. I made my way to this computer. Now you might say that I have included plenty of information for tonight but I’ll sit here and say that I missed many fine little details that I would have liked to remember. Like when Ned came and talked to us, was drunk and spoke to me about what I’ve been doing lately. Trying to sustain a conversation about the beach they then all talked about Cricket, I just sat there trying to understand the reason for this torturous conversation. But then again, there are many things that should be left unsaid and I feel that I have explained the brink of the night. So much pages have been devoted to these first ten days, this will almost be our hundredth. As the time is now 3:18 a.m. it is time for me to get some sleep. Tomorrow I will wake up late but I care not, the beach is not my destination.
Saturday 11:45 p.m.
When I walk into the dark, sometimes I think about death. It just hits me, walking from a light source into the darkness as a result of the night. That happened to me as I was walking to the bathroom about an hour ago. The change of darkness made me pause for a moment and in that moment I thought that this would be my life after my death, darkness. Solitude, yet so serene was my conscience but I was fearful as anyone would be when they think of life after death. Those moments I stood looking into nothing, looking into the darkness I actually thought of myself lying in my grave, my bones rotting, my flesh decaying and my tooth, still with a hole in it. That’s sort of when I came back to realization but it doesn’t hurt to think about death every now and again.
From death to life we make the transition, life as in the unborn, the living but not deceased of breath. This month has indeed had everything and it’s not normal that you would see so much action within a month. Should I classify the reason to ‘The Days of Reckoning’ or is that not fair to judge this as a classification. From the woes of last month comes a new me, emerging from the rubble as pieces did fall nigh. Fate has brought me this hurdle between Lyssa and I, pregnancy and today fate did deliver the both of us some deceptive news, some good news. Lyssa and I must have talked at least five times on the phone today, mostly our nerves talking. Still, in my mind I knew there was a possibility Lyssa wasn’t pregnant even though she kept telling me that her period has been one week late.
The day started at 11:30 a.m. for me and waking up late once again from a slumber I hoped that this wasn’t my routine for the next couple of weeks. Rather, I would like to get up early, get motivated and get a job, preferably this month. The reason I actually woke up was because Lyssa gave me a call and the time I can’t really remember. Lyssa was a bit uneasy about the whole pregnancy conception when we talked for the first time on the phone. But, that was far from her mind when she became flustered, the reason, me being at the Catholic Club and never going when Lyssa asked me. Lyssa was hurt by the fact that I went with Keith and never with her when she asked but I feel that if I ever went with Lyssa she would run off with her friends unintentionally and I would feel alone. This way I had my friends around and I had a great time not really feeling left out. Jett bumped into Ali last night at Red Rooster and Lyssa also being in the car with Penelope, well that’s how she found out. Lyssa felt robbed and upset and once again fate stepped in as Lyssa was going to go to the Catholic Club with Aria but she chose against it because she wasn’t up for a big night.
Not sure how this part of the conversation came up (And I didn’t pursue it because it would be distasteful) the beautiful girl came up in conversation. Rather, we talked about Nadia or something like that and then I mentioned that picture that the girl was in and I said that girl from the picture was there. “What Diamond was there” was Lyssa’s reply and from that I knew her name. That’s all I pursued it as we got onto the rest of the conversation. Now that I have her full name and if I really pursued this girl, who knows what could happen. This is a bit of a late reaction and in the wrong paragraph but I think it’s funny how I have a $35 fine on my Video Ezy card and because I can’t watch movies at home I’ve been watching them all at the Cinema’s before they come out…
Lyssa wanted to get off the phone for our first conversation because she was tired and wanted to get some sleep. From what I knew, Carleigh was going to Campbelltown to get Lyssa a home pregnancy test. Carleigh is the only one Lyssa told and ever since Carleigh noticed the hickey on Lyssa’s neck, she knew we got up to some hanky panky that night. Carleigh was sympathetic for Lyssa, that’s why she opted to get her the test. In an hour I gave Lyssa a call back gathering Carleigh would be back home, little glitch. Lyssa forgot to mention that Carleigh was also getting her nails done and then another little forgotten piece of information, Carleigh was picking Lyssa’s dad up from the airport. Tonight is the night that Lyssa gets together with her dad and from what Lyssa told me, she won’t see him for a long time because he’s getting a new job that will keep him very busy. Lyssa just keeps getting bad news upon bad news and if I was still going out with her I would give her hug after hug but that’s not up to me anymore.
The moral of the story is that Lyssa and I talked about three times after that and at 7:00 p.m. Lyssa gave me a call and told me that the test came out negative. Asking what that meant Lyssa told me that the test revealed she wasn’t pregnant but that it takes more time until the test would actually work. So Lyssa could still be pregnant and I still could have been a father so she’ll just have to take another test in a week or two. Who knows, maybe Lyssa will get her period in a day or two but let’s just hope.
The phone just rang then and gathering it would be Lyssa I was surprised to hear that Keith was calling me up. He was dropping off Tamsen from somewhere but told me that Shawn was never going to get his money because Simon’s engine just seized. In other words, he has to pay a hell of a lot of money to get that fixed and guess what, he doesn’t have that money himself. So Simon’s fucked up and that could mean the end of living away from home. Keith told me that if I wanted to go out for the night that I ring up Lucas and get him to pick me up as Keith was dropping Tamsen off at Macquarie Fields. Now I doubt Lucas is going to get his ass over here to pick me up but later in the night Keith might come over. Now I was thinking that tonight was actually going to be a night where I didn’t do anything but I might be wrong, I’m going out again it seems. So that’s a whole week that I’ve been going out, having fun and doing shit, this month is turning out great. If I do end up going out tonight then we might head off to the City, I’m only hoping.
Before I do give Lucas a call I’ll just mention that Jett also came over my house. Apart from telling me that Tatton told Min-Su over the phone that Jett was an Independent Jett around his friends and different around Min-Su we played the computer. Jett really liked the game ‘Sim Copter’ and asked for the CD so he could give it to one of his friends ‘Hollis’. There we sat on my computer for half an hour playing the shit and then watching television it was time for Jett to go. This is when Lyssa gave me her last call and told me the test was negative. So there is my whole day for you and as the time has ticked past midnight we are now in Sunday. What is going to happen tonight if anything. From what I hear Lucas is picking up Ralf and Simon and if I’m lucky he’ll pick me up but I’m not sure if he’s even going to do that. Keith was looking for Shawn asking if he was over my house but he’s not over here so that probably means he’s not coming out tonight. It’s time to use my phone…
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
