Walking Out of the Catholic Club (Part 2)

A Confusing Night

Friday 11:44 p.m.

What a confusing night it has been, certainly full of solitary drama. My mind grows tired from concern and my eyes follow suit so I should make this quick before I pass out to sleep and pass away these lamentable feelings. Briefly, tonight I went out because of Keith’s persuasion to the Catholic Club and from the word go I knew it was a bad decision and that everything through the night would ruin my night.

In the end of it all, I got so uncomfortable and so many little things bunched up to make me feel that way that I decided to leave without saying a thing. It’s so hard to make people understand what I’m going through when I never have the chance or people I can turn to for help. If anyone out of the group rang me up tonight and asked me “What was wrong” I wouldn’t be able to tell them. I wouldn’t be able to tell them how everything was just building up inside me until I finally cracked and had to leave, to be by myself.

Walking Without Direction

When I did leave I just kept walking the streets of Campbelltown with no real direction but just the thought that I didn’t want to go home. Home was a place where all those bad things I thought of about my life in the stages of my walking would finally come to a truthful halt. For half an hour I walked the streets aimlessly, with no place to walk but a step forward each time.

However, the hateful hurt was starting to fill-up inside of me and knowing I had to find a place to sit down and let my emotions calm down I done so. Heading back home I thought to walk through the preschool on Dumaresq Street, right across from where Tatton used to live. When there I looked for the spot where Jett and I hid the stolen goods three years ago, right there, secluded in the pitch dark surroundings of the classroom door.

There I did sit for a further half an hour, holding my head in my hands, closing my eyes and listening to the silence and darkness, it almost sounded too real. Whilst here I thought of all the little things in the night that created a reaction within me and made me want to run as quickly as I could out of the Catholic Club. Let me now point most of them out.

How the Night Went Wrong

Firstly, the decline of my mentality into temporary paranoia started when I gave Keith a call and all that drama happened. After writing all the bad notes about Keith in my last entry I really didn’t want to be at the Catholic Club because I thought that I wouldn’t fit in. Then, the next knock to my self-conscious frame of mind occurred when Shawn never showed up to my house when the Football game started completely shutting out an eventful night.

The third upset came when Keith called me and personally asked me to come out to the Catholic Club for the night. This should have given me a boost in my confidence but it done the opposite and made me dread heading to the Catholic Club but at the same time, obligated into attending something I would be discomfited about. On top of that, my hair really broke what confidence I had left in myself and as I looked in the mirror all I could see was someone I didn’t like.

Not because I looked ugly or because I was out of shape but because of the way I am and what I have become. And who have I become, a loner, who shuts out everything and builds only negative thoughts, one who has no confidence and because of that, I lack the desire to have it all back.

The clothes I was wearing I no longer appreciated. I’d thought that this look had been getting old and I was less amused at the fact that I could only wear a collared shirt. Therefore, I couldn’t wear my new clothing and I was down because I thought I would never get that chance as we never go out anymore.

Looking at myself in the mirror I knew I didn’t like what I looked like and I would have felt much more comfortable with my hair in a ponytail but I stupidly decided against it. Maybe if my hair was in a ponytail I wouldn’t have been so concerned about how I looked through the night and my self-conscious attitude wouldn’t have gotten to the point where I felt the need to head home in a hurry.

Hiding in the Bathroom

When we actually arrived at the Catholic Club I was discomfited by the fact that I had to tuck my shirt in. Heading to the bathroom with Ralf to get away from the horde of people whom I felt were all staring at me and thinking “What’s wrong with his hair and why is he so overdressed” I wished that I could spend the rest of the night hidden in the toilet but it wasn’t to be. When Ralf spoke to me it was surreal in how I was responding because I wasn’t really listening to him. Rather, I was paying attention only so I wouldn’t look out of place and I was only in the bathroom.

Stepping back out into the crowd made me realize how I didn’t want to be there and on top of that, I was there with the wrong people. If I was there with a girlfriend I would be very proud and comfortable and if I was there with someone like Imad and Naqi, I would be very comfortable knowing they would take care of me if I was getting shy. The walk to the back of the Catholic Club was the hardest yet. I despise the Catholic Club so much because it holds everyone I know and because of that I feel that everyone is looking at me and judging me which of course makes me uncomfortable.

Sifting through all the people that were chatting and having fun, something I wouldn’t do and if I tried, laughs would come out feigned and I would try and start any old conversation just to keep myself from the overbearing silence in my mind. The fact that there was only Binh, Tyler, Ralf, Keith and myself made it all the more difficult for me to just sit back and relax.

Also, because we were in the middle of everyone’s view and we were sitting under lights made me all the more uneasy. At times I would chat to someone and at other times I would concentrate on listening so much that I couldn’t be natural. When it was time to laugh I would feign my true laugh which made me more self-conscious that I wasn’t having a good time. From this moment all I could do was hope the night would end soon.

Lyssa Sits Nearby

Then, the big push to my decision came when I had noticed Lyssa and her friends sit down in the outside area to where we were sitting. Our little group was sitting in that little glassed area where the pool tables are and Lyssa was sitting on the corner and on the outside area of that glass. I’m not sure if Lyssa had seen me when she sat there but I’m pretty sure that one of them had seen me, especially Carleigh.

Kiley was also with Lyssa and once I had seen her I immediately didn’t want to be there. Even though Lyssa wasn’t facing me I felt intensely intimidated. Now I had to act all the more like I was having fun while trying not to notice them so that I could lay to rest the immense thought that they had noticed me and were occasionally looking over. It caved my conscience all the more to think that Lyssa had sat there just because she was so over me and confident.

When we headed to play Snooker I was a little more relieved but because I was never comfortable playing snooker I didn’t fare any better. Just standing there, so discomforting, so open for people to see and judge me to their liking. Lyssa could also see me through the glass panes if she really wanted to which built that tension so much more.

There were three people to each side which meant it was a long time between shots. Standing around made me intimidated and that little walk to play my next shot didn’t fare much better. Finally, my hair, my clothes, Lyssa, snooker and the most uncomfortable feeling of not wanting to be there finally got the best of me.

Slipping Out Past the Bar

When Tyler left the table to play a game with Ned the teams were now uneven and that was the last straw for what focus I had left. “Ralf, hold my cue while I go to the toilet” I uttered and as he unwarily did I scooted off, never to be seen again. On the way out I noticed Carleigh and Pari at the bar through a small peephole.

It would have been great if we didn’t notice each other but our eyes met and Carleigh granted me a big smile which I obliged to. Feeling obligated I walked around the bar and up to the both of them for a friendly little chat. I could see Pari looking at me from the corner of his eye, pretending he was concentrating on what was ahead but I knew he was hoping I didn’t approach them.

However, it was too late to turn back and I felt like such a lost idiot when I did start talking to them that I lost all sense of certainty. Carleigh made me feel a little more welcome as she gave me one of those fake kisses on the cheek but knowing her personality, she was probably hating every minute of it. With the quietude of my humbled voice I asked them how they were, if Lyssa was with them and then made up an excuse that I had to go to the toilet and abruptly left.

Too Insecure to Talk

I wish that I wasn’t so harsh when talking to people like I had been with the both of them. Like when I completely snobbed Phoenix (Who lived with Berenice) on the train or when I see people on the street that I know and if they’re lucky, I talk to them for a couple of seconds before scooting off.

I feel like a stuck up snob when I’ve done it but I can’t help feeling so insecure that I think they probably have something else better to do than to talk with a loser like me. Basically, I put all this lack of confidence to the times when I started to attract women and ironically, I’m so lonely and I know that a girlfriend will place that confidence back into me.

There’s nothing worse than losing a girlfriend, feeling displaced when you try and find a place in your friends and then end up feeling alone, like you’ve lost all hope of everything. I feel this right now, I feel like I’ve been displaced from my group and I no longer can call someone my friend but only my acquaintance. I feel that I really need a girlfriend in my life right now as I’m so lonely.

All these lonely nights without someone next to me in bed, my aching heart knowing that I have no lady to speak to daily on the phone and such a stubborn void in my soul. However, there is another irony in the fact that having a girlfriend has made me so stubborn and proud with all those years of being mistreated.

Wishing for the Old Me

That half an hour sitting in such lonely darkness really brought it all back home to me. Sitting there in solitude brought a surreal truth to how I felt, how alone I was with myself and my thoughts. How I had no one to turn to where they would make it all better, no one. For a couple of seconds I thought about the most life-ending promise but I knew that I had too much to live for and the future was too unknown.

I want to get married and have children but I’m too proud to go back out with Lyssa and I’m too stubborn to reinvent my life with Jewell. However, I’m too self-conscious and lacking in confidence to meet someone new that even the thought of talking to a lady makes me run the other way. I always ask myself “What would I say, how would I keep the conversation flowing and will she give me a hint that she doesn’t like me” so I keep myself away from any future love.

Please, I beg myself, tonight as I get to sleep and as I leave this phone off the hook, let my life live again. I hate feeling so lonely and feeling like I have no one to turn to. I hate my life being so dark, so isolated and detached from subtle affection. Please, let this job harbor a change to my life and to my personality.

Let me be the old me, the 17 year old kid who had no cares or worries and had all the confidence in the world. The kid who walked up to Jewell and bit his tongue to gain two years of remembrance. The kid who made things happen, who had all the friends in the world and lovers blooming at his prime. Let me be that kid again, let me dream of what life I had, let me be that kid again…