Phoenix Jokes and Armpit Headlocks (Part 2) – Mad Chaos: April 6, 1999

Picking Up the Cards

There was one moment before Simon arrived that Keith went straight from President to Dunce in ‘Black Bitch’ and because I had gone from the opposite ends he threw his cards across the room in a tantrum. “Are you going to pick them up” I argued but because Keith was inconsiderate, selfish and pig-headed I decided it to be in my best interest to pick them up.

After all, they were my cards and Keith was having a sook because he went straight to dunce and on top of that, the manager was still there. Both Hamish and the manager were looking as Keith as if he was a little child so to save our group some face I picked up the cards with a relenting attitude. In the back of my mind I was hating the thought of picking up his mess and as I made my way back to the desk I reminded him that I would take it out on him by means of breaking a panel on his car or in other abstinent ways.

Revenge Over Phoenix

Harmony was newly restored but it was only temporary as I was looking for a way to remunerate my having to pick up for his thoughtlessness. With our starting to play cards again Keith lamely tried to take a poke at me but my fast and furious comeback was “Okay Phoenix fucker”. This did cause him to shut his mouth almost instantaneously and the rude frankness of my brunt caused Shawn to laugh out aloud.

The joke didn’t end there as I continued with my bagging Keith for having fucked Phoenix and although he tried to get me back with mere insults it did not equal the ferocity of my onslaught. Even Hamish added to the dark humor as I uttered “At least I didn’t have sex with something that begins with M and ends in E”. Almost immediately Hamish added “What, you mean a Mole” and both Shawn and I just started cracking up at the truth in this quibble while Keith just sat there bowing his head in a disgraceful hiding.

I did relent to pick up the cards but there was no relenting on my jokes about Phoenix until I had broken Keith down to his baser self. All of a sudden a calm subdued Keith and I knew that I had beaten him, I had avenged my having to pick up his cards but the battle wasn’t over…

Simon Drives Off With Keith

After much uncertainty of Simon’s arrival he finally showed up just after 11:00 p.m. Gathering that Keith wanted to get away from my abusing him with his biggest mistake he made his way to Simon’s car. Looking down from my vantage point I could see Keith opening Simon’s door and then Simon taking off with the door still fully open. Keith was grabbing on at the time and I couldn’t help but to laugh as I heard the wheels chirp and then the car speed off from Keith.

It wasn’t only me and Shawn taking the piss out of Keith, Simon was having his go too. You might think I was being a bit hard on Keith but I’ve been in his position, after all I was a bit of a mortal geek at school. However, for all the shit we have to put up with from Keith, I think he deserved all that he got for the night even if he took most of it on the chin.

Black Bitch With Five Players

Simon was substituted for a louder and more obnoxious Tatton, yep obnoxious explains him to a tee. Now we had ourselves five people gearing to play ‘Black Bitch’ and with all hands in it was a bit easier to stay out of dunce. For the night I was doing fairly well with keeping myself in President status, doing just as good as everyone else. The games had the usual insults upon Keith, Shawn snapping at the cards and Keith getting annoyed as Simon was with Shawn.

In this anarchy Keith tried his hand at cheating but picking up the cards he had played while seeing a flaw I noticed he tried hiding one of his cards. “Aha” I blurted, “Who’s trying to cheat, that’s automatic dunce”. Keith seemed to agree to this conclusion that he would lose no matter what but I knew he wouldn’t live up to his wager as the game progressed and I was made to be dunce. Despite his cheating he was now protesting wanting to have his being dunce stricken so that I would be dunce.

Who Is Dunce Now

Simon dealt the next hand as he was king and as I had myself a fairly good hand I didn’t want to give in to the repugnant protest from one I so detested. Having himself another whinging fit he refused to hand his two best cards to Simon, as did I. Shawn had his piece to add, Simon just wanted someone to give in and Hamish was having another look into the emotional aspects of each of us.

Neither of us gave in for a couple of minutes so Simon took all the cards and dealt once again where Hamish elected himself to be dunce. This shut Keith’s whinging up but Simon’s hand was less than favorable when he dealt to himself again. That game Keith did win which was unjust to the whole table but despite my protest that he shouldn’t win he kept his victory.

Simon’s face was of obvious disappointment and as he didn’t get back into President for the next couple of games he started to show his amiable frustration. “Why don’t you throw the cards? I bet you won’t do it” Keith declared upon Simon and as he urged him on with words I kept my calm hoping that Simon wouldn’t be subdued by Keith’s pressuring. Despite these hopes Simon threw the cards but the funny thing was that they were right at Keith, the troublemaker, the hypocrite, the wanker.

An Armpit Ultimatum

The pressure was now on Keith to pick them up and as he flat out refused once again I gave him a proposition. “Either pick my cards up or I’m going to come over and have you smell my armpits,” I uttered and taking a whiff of my underarms I knew he would be in for some trouble. Being the arrogant person he is Keith stuck to his words and rather spurred me on.

A count of three wasn’t short enough for me as I jumped out of my chair and made my way to where Keith was cowering. Not defending himself too well against my armpits I pushed them right in his face. Taking him no more than a couple of seconds to realize that they weren’t smelling very fresh I didn’t relent but was more urged. Keith’s trying to get away from my armpits led him to stand up and as he tried to push me out of arms reach it got a little more personal but never more personal than joking around.

For each time that Keith tried to push me away I pinned him in a headlock and then put my armpit at his nose, he didn’t like that very much. For each time that Keith reversed the pin-lock on me I wriggled my way out of his towering grip and placed him in headlocks again. The brawl got to the stage where we would push each other against the wall, my jumping on his back to flatten him further into the ground, shoves but just short of punching each other.

A Headlock Too Far

Deciding to get a little more dominant and forceful I grabbed Keith in a headlock once again while he was on his knees. Instead of just holding it loosely and having my armpits at his nose I clenched tight so that my flexed biceps would clench his throat. This proved to be uncomfortable for Keith and as I clenched a little tighter I asked him “Are you feeling better now.”

Stumbling with his words he carefully worded out “Let me go,” in a subdued way and with this I knew that he was falling more unconscious. As Keith went from his knees to clumping on his side I knew that I was putting him more into an unconscious state so I decided to give up on him, he had enough. Keith knew he was beaten and as he dizzily got up he looked vindictive but that quickly went away, probably with the thought that I would send him out cold next time around.

Simon Wants to Go Home

Simon had picked up the cards in the time that Keith and I were wrestling and as I grabbed a much bigger seat so that I would look different and higher up we began playing cards again. Shawn continued his snapping at cards while Simon dealt his hands and after a little time Simon got pissed off with Shawn and done the same thing as Tatton did, he wanted to go home.

A little while back I told Keith jokingly that the three of us were going to drive home and leave him to walk because he wouldn’t face being dunce. Actually, Keith was thinking of taking the ‘Young Indiana Jones’ tablet from me because he wanted to walk all the way home from ‘Subway’ when Tatton had deserted us but I knew I was either going to catch a train or get Simon to give us a lift.

Locking Keith Out

With Shawn and Simon jumping in the front seats Keith and I were left for the back but my antics had other plans. Being the first to jump in I slid myself smoothly inside and then closing the door and locking it on Keith I sat comfortably in the back seat. The joke furthered as I locked the door on the other side and both Shawn and Simon were going along with my mischief.

“I don’t give a shit,” Keith stated as he made his way back into ‘Subway’. Making his way to the toilets we were contemplating whether to leave him but because he was threatening not to write me a separation certificate from his work so I could get back on my payments I decided to be lenient. The time was 1:00 a.m. and Keith took his time in the toilet, he was trying our patience. Finally he made his way out ten minutes later, probably after trying to call someone and having a little cry about how bad I was treating him for the night, he couldn’t hack it.

Gossip on the Drive Home

The trip back home was pretty silent up until Shawn started speaking to Keith about cricket and his plans for the next day. This got a bit of conversation rolling and as Shawn was the first to be dropped off I jumped in the front seat. Through the night he told me how he started a new season on Madden 99 and how we should have another Madden night, it will come soon.

While we were playing cards and I was dissing Keith about Phoenix Simon told me that he had heard some gossip about me and her now continually talking on the phone. As only part of this was true I didn’t make it known fact but just hearsay, just some gossip. Although Keith knew that I had some reason to call her and he made it aware to everyone, I protested, noting that it was for Imad and who could argue against that.

From what Simon knew Phoenix uttered hearsay that I was calling her frequently and she was doing the same with me so I gather the information was from Irish or Rory. Some other information on the way home was how Ralf wasn’t going to Queensland according to Keith, it has folded. Some more gossip for the night was that Melissa Flockhart was dead, ‘Ally Mcbeal’. This I found hard to believe but there is some plausibility in her dying from anorexia.

Plans for Tuesday

Being the last to be dropped off home at around 1:30 a.m. I watched some television and had myself some peaceful relaxing before I began typing this chronology on my diary. Although I did not get to begin upon a new Sonnet tonight I did complete a few more lines for another Sonnet already in the making and for the sake that I was growing tired eyes I thought not to finish it.

Thus, tomorrow night I will feel that bite of poetry at my mentality and I will feed it well. Still I must write for the latest Sonnet’s depiction and explanation but as the time creeps to 6:30 p.m. I am depriving myself more of much needed sleep. When I wake up today I must ring up the Library to rent my books out for another two weeks, ring up the bank in regards to my Credit Card and pay off my phone by the phone.

Another thing I wish to do on this Tuesday is to call Meco and McCallum to ask them for night work. Let me hope that they will be more prone to allow someone who has worked there to take up some much needed night shift. As for now, it is time to get to sleep…