Keeping Lyssa Awake on the Phone (Part 2) – Mad Chaos: April 18, 1999

Ten Hours of Sleep

Finally waking up at 4:00 p.m. on Saturday I had myself ten hours of good sleep and I was feeling great. With my waking up I had myself a shower and Shawn made his way down to the shops so he could buy himself something to eat. Asking me if I wanted some fish and chips I told him that I was fine, I had food to eat. Shawn didn’t look like he was in much of a hurry to head home from my house and I hoped he didn’t want to have another night without sleep.

As Shawn made his way back to my house we watched television for about two hours and then Shawn gave Keith a call to see what he was doing. Because Shawn had money from working he wanted to head out to a nightclub. Our group has not been out to a club for a fair while and Shawn was going to pay my way in but I thought against it. Rather, I just wanted a peaceful and relaxing night for Saturday, I didn’t want to go anywhere but be with myself.

Losing the Superbowl to Shawn

Hearing word that Keith was going to come over in an hour so we could head out to ‘Subway’ (This place has been so overused) Shawn and I began our only game against each other in Madden. Having forwarded to the Superbowl I played him with my sopped up team and he with his. Despite my team having played fine against the computer I was intercepted four times in a row on each of my first drives. This in turn allowed Shawn to get himself four touchdowns and from there I started coming back but it wasn’t enough.

That pissed me off but as our game finished we began on a new one because Keith hadn’t arrived. The first quarter ended in this with neither of us scoring points but I was looking to score as we turned off the computer. Keith was out the front just revving his car and although I rang him to see if he wanted to come in he argued that he had to pick up Tatton and he wanted to leave. So for this Shawn and I made our way out the door for another night at ‘Subway’.

Tatton Stays Home With His Bass

Leaving my house around 7:00 p.m. we made our way to Tatton’s house awaiting his arrival to the car. Tatton always looks nauseating to my eyes and there was no variance when he came out dressed in his worst casual clothes. What’s more, Tatton argued that he didn’t want to come out for the night, his reason, he wanted to play his bass guitar. “Nah man” he argued to Keith, “I’m playing my bass tonight” and with that he just turned away waving his arms about in the air like the loser he is.

The latest stories about Tatton are that he’s spending a fair bit of time at a lawn bowls club, drinking up and having great fun with his TAFE friends. It seems that he has finally broken out of the group and can’t be fucked coming out on our useless outings but still, he’s a bum. To add to the gossip, Tatton was supposed to go to his Air Force interview where he had to take plenty of tests and I’m pretty sure that if he passes he will be accepted into the Air Force. What he will actually be boggles my mind, maybe a call-boy…

Briony Looks Like Harley

With Tatton’s stupidity and lonely life behind us we made our way to ‘Subway’ undeterred by Tatton’s pig-headed butchery. Pulling up to where we would play cards I noticed Briony standing behind the counter and I couldn’t help but to think that she would be getting sick of seeing our faces from now. I’m not sure who came up with playing cards at ‘Subway’ (God help me if it was me) but he can’t be as bad as the person who’s killing the idea which is Keith.

Hanging out at ‘Subway’ is the only place we go these days and it reminds me of the Goon Girl days without any of the companionship or outdoors that came with those days. Briony was continually walking to the other side of the store so she could bring out the foods that she had to cook. It was an anonymous decision last night as we all thought Briony was a splitting image of Harley, even down to the goofy laugh. Another person that reminds me of Harley is Linda Halfweeg who is on my wall from an FHM poster. Although, Linda is a perfect and more delectable version of Harley.

A Ditch I Dug Myself

Saturday night it was and all we could sum up was a night at ‘Subway’ to play cards. These days I do believe are an embarrassing taint to the overall portion of what my life will be. I want to look back at these days as the dawning of my poetical career but the days where solemnity reeked on account of nothing interesting happening.

Right now I see myself in a ditch which I have slowly dug in the past year. To take myself out of this hole will take a bit of determination and a lot of struggle but I will be all the more eager to stay out once I am out. Hopefully when I read back upon this Diary entry in the future I will have reached a bettering of life and I will be living more of it.

Anyway, we left ‘Subway’ at 9:30 p.m. because we were getting bored with the same scenario. Keith wanted to head back home so he could watch his ‘Foxtel’ again and I didn’t really care whether I was having an early night or not. To tell you the truth, I kind of wanted to get home so I could finally have a rest by myself for a change.

Checking the Phone for Lyssa

Arriving home just before 10:00 p.m. I done what I usually do these days, I checked my phone to see if Lyssa had called me. This I have been doing for quite a while since we have been broken up and the reason I do it is because I yearn to talk to her even though I shouldn’t. Lyssa has given me irreparable damage to my self-esteem, to my grief in sexuality and to myself as a person. I know that Lyssa will never change her ways and I don’t want her to change but even though this is evident I keep subjecting myself to the same ordeals, the same traps.

Compatibility had never been the threshold in our relationship and the only thing that kept us in love was love itself. Loving someone that is so different seemed easy but it was made all the more difficult when going together well did not go together well. Lyssa was completely different to me in mind, in body, in desires, in needs and in loving but our desires to change each other held each other.

Someone that will bring out the best in me, now and forever, that’s what I want. Someone that likes my taste in music so that I can share the half of who I am and someone who can share the same dreams as me. Basically, someone I can bond with, who I can believe is a part of me as well as myself being a part of her. I want to believe in her dreams, I want to aspire for her, make all that she wants possible and move in the same direction and I want someone who can do that for me.

Constant mental conflicts had been the result of my being with Lyssa, it tore me down and tore me apart. Now I keep myself in grasp of those shredding hands that take the last particles of my worth and what has been shred in the past she rips at again. Love, it is a curious emotion and it dawdles in my wake where that it should have cared to sleep with the resting of my relationship.

Lyssa Calls in the Early Hours

When I had checked my phone upon getting home I had something to eat and then started on my computer. For the next couple of hours until 2:00 a.m. that is exactly what I done but my eyes started to get direly drowsy and with my mind lapsing in concentration I turned off my computer. Within the minutes that I was about to go to sleep I actually thought about Lyssa and where she might be for the night, maybe at Coogee having a great time. Within minutes of my getting ready for sleep I received a call in the early hours of the morning and I could only think it to be Keith or Lyssa.

Inquisitively answering the phone I found it to be Lyssa. As we got into conversation I found that her reason to call was because she felt like talking to someone and I was the best bet. Despite her claim, I knew there was something more to it, I know Lyssa all too well and I know when she misses me.

Lyssa was sitting in the kitchen with the cordless phone warming her feet up on the heater as she told me how they didn’t go to Coogee because half of them wanted an early night. However, Lyssa did end up going to the Catholic Club on Friday where she noticed Tamsen talking to a couple of guys with Min-Su and from there she headed to Molly’s. What surprised me was that Lyssa shouted her friends to $50 worth of alcohol for the night and she told me she was trying to save for a holiday to America.

Are We Still Friends

When the sentimental stage of our conversation sprouted Lyssa asked me if I would be her friend because she thought I was angry with her. “What makes you think I’m not your friend” I responded and adding “Is it because of our last argument” she agreed. However, Lyssa didn’t want to get into that conversation because she thought I would only get upset.

This opened the door to some more understanding about Lyssa. When something goes wrong Lyssa will be the one who would quickly want to forget and never talk about the problem in order to solve it. That’s the reason why I keep getting burnt, because I never discuss my feelings with Lyssa and in turn, she never learns how much it really is hurting me. Yet, Lyssa fears to speak about problems so that obviously will halt any healing which it has done.

Crackling Phone and Soft Words

Making he way to her bedroom after half an hour of conversation Lyssa started getting tired so she lay on her bed. In this time Lyssa told me how she missed me but the first time she had said it the phone kept playing up. My phone now has a consistency of crackling so much that I can hardly hear the other person speaking.

Figuring out a trick to temporary disable that noise I hang up the phone quickly so that I get the pulse tone and then hanging up the phone again I get placed back to my original call. This doesn’t have me hang up on a person because it’s too quick and on most occasions it stops the crackling noise. With the crackling gone for a little while Lyssa continued to tell me how she drew a picture of me about two weeks ago but she ripped it up because it wasn’t any good.

Continuing with sentimentality Lyssa told me how she wished I was lying next to her so she could give me hugs. I allowed her to say what she wanted but I tried not to include myself in such insincerity. Nevertheless, I did scold my tongue when I said to Lyssa in passing word that she could sleep at my house if she wanted to but I meant it as a joke and that’s how she took it. Lyssa sounded as if she was opposing my idea but I knew she was differing because of my being hurt that was still looming over her head.

Waking Her Before Hanging Up

Lyssa started drifting off when she jumped in her bed. There was a moment when we stopped chatting for at least a minute and gathering that Lyssa would fall asleep if I kept it on any longer I decided to call out for her name. This did not yield any answer straight away so I yelled it a little louder and as if I startled Lyssa she answered. “Did you fall asleep on me” I questioned and still in a dazzled state she answered “No”.

From there I kept talking to Lyssa as much as I could because I knew she was half asleep and talking to me from within that slumber. Lyssa had tuned out in that minute and it was my duty to bring her back to reality so she could open her eyes, turn off the light and turn off the phone. Lyssa couldn’t give me more than one or two words when answering me and when I asked her to say something intelligent or to open her eyes she would just moan. Learning that Lyssa was more asleep than awake I kept telling her to open her eyes and despite her constantly moaning and getting upset she finally woke up out of her light sleep.

Jumping out of bed to turn off the light I asked her if she wanted to get to sleep and she kept saying “Do you want to go”. With Lyssa drifting once again into sleep we finally said our goodnights and then Lyssa hung up. I suspect that Lyssa got straight to sleep when she hung up the phone but I listened to the beeping of the hung up phone, then the silence and then finally I hung up the phone. The time was 3:30 a.m. when our conversation finally finished and I was happy that Lyssa decided to call me because I wasn’t going to call Lyssa. Within minutes after hanging up I too was asleep, drifting off with ease…