Boiled Eggs and a Fading Romance (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: April 11, 1999

Another Sleepless Night

Starting my early day of writing in this Diary I listen to ‘Fly Away’ by ‘Lenny Kravitz’ for mood music. This pretty much is the first bit of animation in my somnolent day and my trial to get to sleep earlier last night didn’t work to plan. Figure this out, I went to sleep at 3:00 a.m. in the morning but as usual I was tossing and turning until around 6:00 a.m. At times I got so frustrated that I was kicking the blanket on top of me, talking with my eyes open, fidgeting and changing from bed to floor.

Sleeping earlier just wasn’t working because I wasn’t tired but what aggravates me more is that when I finally went to sleep I didn’t wake up until 4:30 p.m. Now I’m so awake that I won’t be able to get early sleep tonight and I know that when I try again I will just have last night occur to me again.

There were some moments in my day when I could have gotten up at an earlier time but because my parents were out at the Church for Easter Celebrations and I was home alone I hadn’t the bother to wake up. No one called me in the morning so each time I woke myself up I just went back to sleep for another hour, then another and so forth.

Boiled Eggs and a Certificate

The reason I woke up today was because my parents came home at 4:30 p.m. and hearing a plastic bag in mum’s hand I gathered she bought something for me to eat. Waking myself up from such a darkened room despite it being a very lit day I made my way upstairs. Surveying the plastic bag I found there to only be colored and boiled eggs. To my hunger’s ask I picked one up, peeled the outer lining and then had myself a small breakfast.

While upstairs I received a call from Keith informing me that he wrote me another separation certificate and because he was heading straight to the movies with Tamsen after work he asked for me to head out there with Ralf and pick it up. That I still haven’t bothered to do because I don’t want to bother Ralf so I asked Keith to try and bring it to me late tonight or tomorrow morning before I head off.

The call for setting my alarm will have to be reached so I get up early tomorrow and I feel a little tired. That being tired will get me sleepy earlier in my Monday night and that way I can have a good sleep and have more possibility in getting up for my job.

Mum Snooping in My Room

Taking some cordial down to my room after my conversation was finished I had a drink and for the past hour and a half I’ve been watching television. Having nothing to eat yet I’ve just asked mum to make me something to eat.

Mum was snooping in my room while I was having a shower about half an hour ago and reading my form from the link that was sent to me before I quit my payments she tried telling me that I should have handed in my form on Friday. What mum doesn’t know is that I don’t get paid anymore but I don’t want to tell her that unless I don’t get my pay back within a fortnight.

Now I write this early in my day as a change for the better and in hopes that my freeing up time tonight will allow me to relax and focus on sleeping earlier. Last night I got myself to sleep at 3:00 a.m. but tonight I will try and make that 1:00 a.m. despite the probability that I will just keep myself awake and frustrated all of the night.

Lyssa Stays Silent

Converting my topic now to Lyssa, she hasn’t called me since that one off time she decided to pick up the phone on Thursday night. Gathering that my unpleasantly restrained attitude frustrated her and made her upset I can see why she doesn’t feel like calling again.

After that call as Lyssa usually points out, she was probably saying to herself “Why did I call him for, I shouldn’t have called because he didn’t want me to”. With these lengths of not calling each other and keeping astray we have definitely taken another step away from each other. Although I still wish that Lyssa would just come to her senses and give as much as I do in this diminished relationship I know all too well that we are both better abiding to hapless days that are bringing to an end what once was prized.

Why It Will Never Mend

This breaking ties and being less tolerant to this ceasing relationship I will not look back upon as a mistake but as an arrogant tolerance to move on for the better. Lyssa and I had great times and adventures when we were going out with each other but let’s face it, after all this time I’ve had to look back upon it I know the both of us to be entirely different to each other.

I don’t associate with her friends, she doesn’t associate with mine, we have different tastes in almost everything, we can’t talk to each other about personal things without flaring something up and because of this we never progress and we can never make things better. If Lyssa really wanted me back and if she still loved me 100% like she keeps telling me she wouldn’t be arguing about little things, she wouldn’t be continually taking things away from me like the prized oral sex and we would be able to talk with each other.

You could put it down to my arrogance if you like but I’m not arrogant when it comes to making things better. The reason why this will never fix is because I don’t want it to and Lyssa doesn’t have the nerve to step out and make it happen. Just like Lyssa will never buy herself a television, a car or live up to her simple expectations, she can never do anything on her own.

Therefore, if Lyssa wanted to make things better and bring something like kissing or affection back into a relationship that she wants to achieve she will never get around to it because she’s too afraid. However, I don’t ask Lyssa to perform in any way anymore. Rather, I just sit back and hope that Lyssa will feel the need to do it herself but obviously with me getting no attention on a night that was deserving of some you would gather that Lyssa doesn’t know how to test waters.

Before I was afraid of being without conversation from Lyssa as I thought my days would be bleak and without confidence. Now, although my days are bleak I do not fear being alone anymore and although I momentarily would think upon Lyssa and trying once again to work things out I know it would be much easier just to be alone. If love is in the heart and it does not die then why does death in action come from Lyssa with each hapless day of this relationship.

Heading to Eros Theatre

Arriving now to chronology of Friday night, let us begin with having paid the bill at Planet Hollywood and our standing outside wondering what we were doing next. Without much hesitation we began our small journey to Eros Theatre.

Being made the leader I didn’t realize we were on Imad street when we crossed from one side to the other and then as Ralf informed me where we were we had to cross again. Speculation and doubt as to whether Anders was going to get in being underage was starting to mount in my mind but as we made our way to the front in our little group my worries were being realized with the bouncer up front.

Well, he was an old man but if he wanted to he could have asked all of us for our identification but to my surprise he didn’t bother asking. This probably would have been for the fact that he didn’t want such a big crowd of people slipping through his fingers because of one of us. Therefore, we paid and we made our way downstairs awaiting the next lady to walk out and marvel us.