Wide Awake and Worrying
Monday 5:59 a.m.
There are so many things on my mind right now that forbid me to get to sleep at such an early time in the morning but besides my thoughts my stubborn inability to get to sleep earlier than usual is kicking in. All these thoughts cramming inside my head that have to do with my life are keeping my eyes and mind open and have seen me doing some strange things this morning.
For example, I had an urge to do another set of reps on the skipping rope and I got to the stage where I put some pants on in the dark but then after realizing it would just take time that I didn’t have I lay back down. There were many thoughts that were aiding my stubborn desire to keep awake and for that reason I have thought to jump onto my Diary and realize my opinions that would lay my mind to sleep so that I eventually could.
Dreams and an Empty House
I have dreams and I want them to be realized. In the last half an hour of trying to get to sleep and having the radio on for company these words ran through my mind. My life is empty right now and that I feel is why my poetry is lacking this month. There is nothing to inspire me anymore as this house has become my prison like haven and as I look out my window, I see the whole world awaiting me that I cannot touch unless I allow myself for it.
Seeking employment was also on my mind as I am not only sick of this outcast world I keep myself in but I’m also sick of not having any money to make anything of it. Again did I almost wake up as I planned to ring some temping agencies but remembering that they would only help me if I had a job of theirs at hand I quickly gave up.
I want to do something with my life and right now, bodybuilding and poetry is all I have going for me. Both of them are as rewarding as each other but neither of them awards me.
Wanting an English Class
I’m sure that I’ve mentioned this before but I want to take a class in English literature.
There has to be a class out there that teaches the fundamentals of English, the tools of poetry and the essentials to great literature and I am willing to learn. So ambitious am I for this poetical talent to progress to such knowledgeable traits that I will even consider myself for a four year study into English and get my Diploma or Bachelor’s Degree, whatever they give these days.
Money and Telstra Bills
Apart from this view of my life I had problems stacking in my mind and once again, they had to do with financial stability. Right now I know I’m standing to lose my independence and I want to take care of what is left of it. Knowing that I need a new set of pants for the Gym I am setting aside some money from my last pay but from what I have, it will not suffice.
Therefore, I’m going to try and get some of my telephone bill tied into next month and that way I will have some money to play with before I go bankrupt. Money to the Gym, to buying pants and the rest to the Telstra bill should be enough.
Forgetting Our Anniversary Again
The last thing that crossed my mind while trying to get to sleep was Lyssa and why she was calling me on late Saturday night. Finally it clicked as I was thinking about the relevance of the date and once again I must say I was forgetful in my remembrance. Yesterday of course was the 21st and that is the celebration (More rather the acceptance) Lyssa and I partake in for the day we started going out.
Lyssa must have been calling me because she remembered about what day it was and that’s probably why she wanted to come over my house or at least talk to me. That also would explain the somber mood that Lyssa appeared to be in when I called her on Sunday. Yes, she was watching television and she couldn’t help being alone but when Lyssa jumped on the phone she just sounded as if she had been crying or upset.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that it had anything to do with her remembrance of our going out but it would make sense. I’m so absent-minded when it comes to remembering our anniversary from a couple of days away. I have a knack of remembering and being all for the anniversary date about a week away and then I tend to enter a dark domain a day or two out. It’s as if the part that knows anything about the 21st had been taken away from me until the next day when it finally clicks that I had missed it.
This almost happened last month where I was planning to give Lyssa a Nintendo and I thought to do it for the anniversary day. However, there was a time one or two days out where I forgot about it and then in the dying hours I think I remembered. Now I feel a little guilty that I forgot to remember but it would have been good if Lyssa had remembered it had it been in her mind at the time.
Treating Lyssa Differently
Since we are on the conversation about Lyssa let me just add some more thought to that subject. Eons ago while I was going out with Lyssa I remember her asking me “Do you think you treat me differently than your friends” and I had to think about that one but I think I replied no. In these early morning hours I was thinking about that very question and I do believe that I treat Lyssa different, nowadays anyway.
First and foremost, in the way I present myself and speak to Lyssa, it is completely different than to my friends. With Lyssa I have a completely different language to my friends and I don’t know why that is but I gather it’s because a girlfriend and a friend to me is on a completely different scale. An example of the differences are that I would never say “Oh well” to my friends, it’s just not in my vocabulary for friendship occasions.
I guess I treat everyone differently, some people with more arrogance, stubborn nature, friendship, care and some with tethering. Just like Lyssa expects me to be the caring person where I am always the first and last person she asks for help and the only she yells at for not helping I have expectations of Lyssa different to my friends.
A Plan for My Whole Life
If only I could write down a plan for my whole life. If only I could write down every ambition for myself that I have ever thought of. Would I ever be able to live up to such a high ask as what would be on that paper. All I know is that I’m sick of being home all the time. I wish I could get out more often and experience more of life.
The vision in my head right now is a start. Traveling to the City, sitting under the fig tree with my laptop computer and thoughts in my head, that would be a good start. Then there’s the thoughts of traveling the world, visiting far away places, relaxing under sunset and enjoying the sunrise, these loves I live for. However, these wants need money and that is something I don’t yet have an abundance of. Right now all I have is myself and the canvas in my mind in which to paint my thoughts and conceptions.
Shawn Sleeping Over Feels Weird
There was one more little point to add and that was about Shawn. Having him almost falling asleep at my house on Sunday I thought that it would weird to have him sleeping over, I couldn’t imagine it. For example, I’ve had people sleeping over my house before like Tatton or Imad and I don’t feel weird that they are staying over. Weird would be better explained as not feeling the bond that one needs to have someone to sleep over and because of that, having that silence within the mind.
Shawn just has one of those attitudes where he keeps to himself and that boxing in doesn’t allow his true self to come out. Anyone else apart from Shawn I can see some sort of bond with if they slept over but with Shawn (Although he has slept over before) it would be somewhat different.
Imad Calls From Work
Just before I get off the computer now and try once again to get to sleep with a clear mind let me just note that Imad called me this Sunday just gone which was yesterday. In our conversation where he was at work we didn’t really talk about much but he just asked me what was new and I told him that I remembered about his birthday. There was no grudge against Imad but I don’t consider him to really be a close friend or even a near close friend anymore.
Imad to me is like archaic forms of English to our language. Our friendship has no basis in which to hold itself as I don’t even know what to call Imad now since it’s been so long since we’ve had time to see each other or even talk to each other without the barriers of a phone. What I try to say in my mind doesn’t come out properly when I speak so I will now get myself to the end of this entry.
Just one more thing… Today when I wake up I’m going to try and do some aerobics exercise and that to me is skipping. Knowing that I will lose mostly fat if I skip after waking up and before having something to eat I feel that I will lose more weight that way, let’s just see…
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
