Have I ever made anyone pregnant before, no. Do I ever plan to make anyone pregnant at this early age, no. I set here late tonight with a marvel to mankind, loathed by both sexes if the situation is wrong. And all those things I said before about Lyssa, trying to get over her, to move on, to forget about her, this just draws us closer together, bounds us by imaginary ropes. I should feel worried, helpless and concerned but for the mere fact that I believe it’s not true I don’t feel guilt, yet. Guilt for knowing what the consequences will be, guilt for having been unprotected and now, to kill innocence, to abandon hope, to bury the unborn.
Lyssa called me tonight, very unexpected was my response but I knew when the phone rang at 12:30 a.m. that it was Lyssa and no one else. That is when I learnt apart from the obvious that Kieran hadn’t seen me and didn’t say anything to Lyssa. That’s when Lyssa learnt how I had seen Ali and what had happened in those brief moments of hate. That’s when I learnt that Lyssa is late by one week for having her period. Lyssa then asked me the usual worried questions “Would you ever marry me if it came up” and “Why won’t you ever go back out with me in the future.” These were the two main worry responses, I did receive many more comfort questions. Lyssa was very worried, stressed you might say to be calling me at such an hour in the morning having to go to work the next day. Lyssa just came back from the pub at Bradbury where she told me she had seen everyone.
When I reached the topic where I talked of Ali Lyssa seemed sympathetic to him and told me to get over it and forgive him. That pissed me off above all knowing that Lyssa didn’t understand the principle behind my actions. Lyssa told me that when Ali speaks of me he only speaks good but what I’m pissed off about is why is Lyssa defending Ali all the time and not taking my side. That is the point I’m trying to get across, in the midst of the battle my sword is transparent and the pain I yield is unnoticed. When will I ever hear Lyssa walk up to Ali and say “Look, Tony has been through hell, you fucked him up, why don’t you talk to him instead of Tony coming up to you.” Even if that did happen I wouldn’t speak to Ali, rather, I’d fuck him up and send him on his way.
Lyssa feels that a home pregnancy test would be the best form of awareness. The only problem is that Lyssa doesn’t want to know the answer this weekend because she is going to Manpower and if she is having a baby it will be detrimental to her having fun. So, Lyssa is taking the test on Monday before she attends College and if the test is positive we will both be looking for our solution. Lyssa is 100% sure what she wants to do, it’s one word, Abortion. That is a strong word but strong is the action that Lyssa wishes to administer with such a word involved. Never have I had someone pregnant before and I don’t want to complicate the lives of Lyssa and I by her test coming out positive. I truly believe that I took myself out just in time and that all of me went over all of Lyssa’s nightie and that’s it. Lyssa did protest that there was semen down there but I thought nothing much of it at the time. Now it could indeed become a problem, an issue, a resolving issue.
The time is now 2:10 a.m. and I hope that Lyssa is getting herself a good night’s sleep. Even though I tried to keep away from her at Macarthur Square tonight and I am trying to move on from her life, I still love her dearly. When we speak on the phone I jest about having this child and how we both see children on the street and wonder if that could look like our child. If we were only a couple of years older, more stable with income I would have no doubts that this child would be ours for life. Rather, so young an age brings forth such a deceptive and caliginous decision which must be done. Even though I feel I would be a great father and I feel that Lyssa and I would make great parents it can’t be seen that way, not this young, not with this mess that’s happened between our lives.
When I noticed Lyssa at Macarthur Square today and I noted that she was the most outstanding girl in the whole area, I was serious. But, the first thing I noticed about Lyssa apart from her smile and graceful walk was the fact of her blonde hair. Lyssa told me over the phone tonight that she once again dyed her hair and that is what I noticed so much. Lyssa’s hair is distinct, it is blonde but much more noticeable than many. Let us just end this night of inquiry with a solemn prayer and hopes that Lyssa hasn’t fallen pregnant. For all the wrong reasons I do not fret about this problem but for the reason that it would be wrong to continue with such a life. To end one unborn is to let live two so young and born to live. With this unborn, ‘twould not be selfish of me to say that our lives shan’t be lived to their fullest.
Let me now end my plight, with a solemn grace and a kiss goodnight, to Lyssa who lays her head so lightly, upon such a breasted pillow of feathers. I kiss thy head fore I kiss thy lips and bid your night be full of dreams. O’ lady who lays her head for sleep, let your brow be fodder for my lips and your cheeks glow upon my thoughts as beautiful as you look. You’re eyes closed tight, envisioned mine, your thought so relaxed as mine when I think of thee, asleep, so pure and me, so selfish. How art thou so tired who doth make my smile so content. How art thou so imaginative to talk amongst your sleep. There are no peers surrounding thee, thou speak to none but yet I hear. When last I lay beside thee, thine was such a beautiful sight, in thy moonlight thy light didst spread from cheek to cheek. Thou makest me laugh, thou dost make me cry, tears shalt fall from mine eyes and reach thy tears beneath thy sky. Thou art an angel and when thy eyes art closed, mine reveal somewhat open and glare upon thy brow. Touch thee upon thy stomach, when thou fall deep to slumber and I dream of a day when there shalt be my loins and wonder. When shall this be mine and to whom shall this be mine, considered ours. Where shall this take place and whom shall this face behold apart from mine face. Now lay I to sleep tonight and faze these memories away, of children, of life and my future to be and I forget when all is lost in eternity…
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
