Songs always bring out the right feelings and right now the sounds of ‘Mariah Carey’ in ‘One Sweat Day’ brings the right kind of feel to this saga I am about to encounter in right now. Maybe I will even put in the CD of Mariah Carey, yep I might just do that. Mariah Carey (Well at least one of the songs) takes me back to the times that Kathryn and I used to be together but today it’s only to soothe my feelings and thoughts.
My thoughts or feelings don’t really need soothing but after one more night with Lyssa where she slept over my house and we had a good night I am here by myself again and that’s the harsh reality of breaking up with Lyssa and cheating on her. Basically, Lyssa appreciated the gift that I gave to her even though she didn’t really thank me for it but our days of love and remembrance have surpassed. Agree did we that from this day forth we could have casual sex with each other but that was never as good as having Lyssa by my side all the time. I’d like to think that if Lyssa and I didn’t break up and Jewell wasn’t still there to help my thoughts fuck us up, we would still be together for three or more strong years. Now, the next we will see each other and be sexual with each other might be Sunday night as I brought that up. Lyssa didn’t have a problem with Sunday night and so today as we both left each other Lyssa told me she had a great time the past two days, we kissed on the cheek, then on the lips and I walked a solemn lane to the train. Watching Lyssa from within its chambers, looking out my window and hoping Lyssa, who held a smoke in her hand without a worry seated waiting for her Leumeah bus would take a glance at a distancing train and catch my eye. That was not to happen and reality was harsh and cruel.
Now let me speak of some thoughts that I didn’t get to evaluate last night as I was just about to leave and in a hurry to meet Lyssa at Leumeah station. Apart from everything else, I was just wishing right now that when Lyssa told me she was thinking of sending a letter to me about a week and a half ago that she did. There’s not much things I have of Lyssa’s here, the same is with Jewell but Jewell is long gone and forgotten from my mind. Before I hurt for Jewell, hurt for all the wrong reasons but as I came to my mind’s ideology to hold true, I knew that Lyssa should have been the one to cry for, my true love, my only love, my one love. Alas, that letter wasn’t sent because I wasn’t ready and I was angry with Lyssa. Fate must have wielded its hand and I’d like to think that this letter would have ruined my heart as I would look back on it in my lonely days and remember it was a letter from when we broke up, so my heart to touch.
Now I cry too late, like Lyssa did with me in the first stages of our break up. Now that I think I am ready, Lyssa has moved on, to be with her friends, to be with herself, to help herself move on. So in turn I was too late and despite what I thought of a happy reunion, Lyssa’s strength and smart thinking didn’t allow that. Now how sad would Lyssa have felt that night she was at the hotel, our first time back together sexually after two weeks. Lyssa tried so hard to please me, get my attention and have me back but holding her that night was like emptiness to our faith. Lyssa’s heart would have been broken that day we left each other. I think I can remember how I was leaving Lyssa’s house and how we kept waving goodbye to each other in our funny way, God I will miss that.
Now I have to scream to release some tension from deep within myself. Tears feel like coming to my tears but knowing how stupid I have been disallows them to fall. Lyssa would have been hurt and now, after all has been done and I’ve gotten my way, told Lyssa what wrongs I have done we cannot get back together. I’d like to think that if I didn’t say anything to Lyssa about Jewell and my cheating then we would be back together. But that’s wrong, to cheat Lyssa of telling how cheated her life was is to cheat my way into a false relationship and I would never be able to live with myself after that. So, it was lucky that I came out with the truth even though it came out of nowhere when I spoke of the truth. The both of us were sad and now the both of us can move on and even though I will feel sad for weeks to come (And now my sadness will be real because I have truly lost her) I still feel we are great friends, we can have hurtful casual sex and in time I will find someone else and will find someone else.
Right now I just called Lyssa to see if she got safe home from Leumeah. Well actually I was feeling sad, missing her and thought to give her a call and talk for ten minutes. Kieran picked up the phone and upon asking for Lyssa he said “Is this Pedro is it”. Saying that I wasn’t and not telling my name Lyssa came on the phone and I knew she already had friends over. Lyssa was all laughs and embarrassed coming on the phone and she knew it would be me. How’s that, no one really bothered Lyssa last night or the night before and as soon as Lyssa gets home her friends are at her beckon and call. So with that I told Lyssa I would let her go after making a joke pretending I was Pedro. Nikita was in the background and she said hello to me. Kieran and Aria were also over there so that was the more reason to let her go and be with her friends.
Having Lyssa once again right beside me, sleeping and hearing her sleep, knowing she is right next to me and comforting my mind just isn’t the same. Before, when we just broke up and we had that night at the hotel Lyssa hated having flings with me because when she would get home she would feel so empty. Now the roles have reversed and I’m home and so alone. Lyssa has all her friends around her and that’s how she now wants it. By the end of this year she’s going to Bali with Nikita and next year some time she will probably be traveling to Germany for some festival. Lyssa has always been a traveling girl and I say, let her be free…
I’m not sure if I mentioned this but Lyssa had three smokes on Monday night. The first smoke in front of me was when I finally told her about Jewell at the College and because she was upset she took a smoke. From then Lyssa thought if I can cheat on her she can smoke in front of me. The second was at Lyssa’s house, in the morning on the Veranda, Lyssa asked me to sit with her. The cat was chucking up because it was eating on grass, Lyssa forgot to feed Misty in all the excitement. That was just before Lyssa walked to the station to visit College. The last smoke of that day she had was when we were at the station and just before her train came she lit one up. Each time it would upset me that Lyssa was smoking in front of me but even though I don’t like it I can’t really saying anything. I took Lyssa for granted and now those grants have been stripped away from me. Penelope’s brother’s girlfriend had also seen us at the station that morning and she knew that she would tell Penelope.
Monday night after our frantic lovemaking Lyssa and I finally got to talking. I didn’t really bring up the topic of Lyssa and I getting back together because I knew it would never be the same. Lyssa is having great fun with her friends and I will be doing the same as soon as this hurt goes away. But when you think about it, my cheating ways have finally caught up with me and vengeance is at hand. I’ve gotten what I deserve in the form of losing Lyssa, losing Jewell, losing my love, losing my best friend and a whole lot more. Now the triangle’s flames will forever be dimmed. Jewell’s flame and mine are totally extinguished and even though Lyssa and I have been feisty with each other the past few days the fantasy is over. Our flame will never be as high but I hope that it will never totally die away.
Lyssa’s body has changed somewhat since the last time we were together. Being sarcastic, Lyssa still reckons I’m a ‘little fatty’ but having her naked and in bed with me for the past two nights brings on these thoughts. Lyssa’s butt was fabulous, small and perfectly shaped and skinny. Lyssa’s boobs, although smaller than usual were once again just the right size and shape. Lyssa’s legs were almost flawless but still basically the same as before. Lyssa was noticeably skinnier since the first time I had seen her again on Monday night. As Lyssa bobbed her way down to meet me for our trip to her College she was skinny in the face as well as her body. Lyssa was not eager on complementing me in any shape or form though. Lyssa would always reassure my feelings and questions that I asked about my confidence on how good I was for Lyssa but she would never really complement me.
Diary Of A Mad Chaos is a daily diary written from March 1996 until today, of which individual books and book series have been created, namely “The Lost Years” an exploration of young, entwined love, the “Wubao In China (猎艳奇缘)” book series which provides an extensive comparative analysis of the cultural differences between Eastern and Western societies, and the book titled “Foreigner (华人)” an exploration of race relations in Australia.
