Styrofoam Beads and Misfortune’s Pond – Mad Chaos: April 17, 1999

Settling Back Into Poetry

This month did begin so tranquil, with peace and prosperity. However, the last few days had seen chaos ensue where it has taken me away from the basics of life. Now those days are behind me, such inconsistencies as work, being worried about getting paid again, they’re behind me.

Once again I can settle down, ease back into a tranquil nature, where I can concentrate fully to this Diary and my poetry. To the basics it is time to go and with a clearer mind I shall also focus on working out again. You see, for the past couple of days I have been doing a set or two of Abdominal Crunches save for the last night but I will begin skipping and exercising again. Weight in my face and in my stomach has dropped and I am happy and proud of the results.

Is Misfortune Even Misfortune

There has been a shaking up of this month and I don’t believe I have shaken off misfortune. However, if you consider me misfortunate for not realizing that poetry and this literature are my greatest assets then yes, maybe I was misfortunate. It was the mishaps that came in the last couple of days that made me see the light but you could consider it a mishap that I didn’t follow through with my employment.

In the last couple of days I’ve had sleepless nights which don’t allow me to think clearly for this diary, a bad job offer, sustained periods away from Lyssa and a lacking of poetical thought. However, in another light, I’ve applied again for money from the link without much hassles. The fact that I rarely speak to Lyssa anymore could be seen as a good or bad thing, same as my getting paid from the link again instead of a job.

There has been much happening this month (Well, more than usual) but I haven’t been doing much socially (Like nightclubs), going to the Gym, speaking with women or anything else interesting. My diary is the better part of life, everything else is just an ongoing misfortune whichever light you see in.

Explaining the Title of the Month

Dubious claim has been made on the claim of this month’s title which reads misfortune’s pond might anon waive disperse. In more simple terms this states that I want misfortune to stop its disease-like spreading into this month. However, with the clashing of misfortune with my perception of what is fortunate lays confusion to the title.

Is it fortunate that I didn’t find work or is it misfortunate that I am once again sitting at home with only my literature and poetry to keep my strive going. Is it fortunate that Lyssa and I aren’t talking on the phone anymore or is it misfortunate that we can no longer speak to each other on a more occasional basis. Does misfortune lie in the wake when one thinks of my heading back to the link to get paid or am I fortunate that I didn’t accept a nine to five job so I can keep my artistic flair working so that it will pay me in the long run.

These are the parallels I ask myself when we speak in the light of what is fortunate and misfortunate. To know what I think is misfortunate would be great but I keep changing my perceptions and thus, I confuse myself.

The question now is, does the title of this month speak any justice to what has happened this month. Has my hope of misfortune yielding come to life or do I confuse myself with the meaning of my misfortune. Actually, with the pun on this title which also signifies that misfortune might again begin a wave of itself I gather the confusion between misfortune and fortune has been duly sighted. Therefore, I stand by my claims that the title of this month which still has not seen the ending day of its lease stands to be correct for these days foregone…

The Early Stages of My Diary

Before I begin on forgotten chronology let a thought be ordained for these pages. I do believe that this Diary has evolved from the day I did begin with it. Through time I have created a better layout, improved grammar skills, paragraphs, I’ve introduced poetry and the amount of quality literature has increased.

However, I do believe there is still a bettering to come and this I will see as the third stage of my Diary’s dukedom. The first stage as noted was the beginning stage, where I wasn’t too good at spelling, typing or writing good prose. Poetry meant nothing to me at the time and my life had not seen anything apart from the Gym life that inspired me to write short pages of literature.

This first stage I do believe started with the recognition of my Diary and ended before the lost years began. Thus the all of 1996 in which I wrote for my Diary was the beginners stage but yet I didn’t start writing structured and meaningful paragraphs until I met Lyssa. There’s a little task for all who are reading this. Decipher where my literature became more effective and where I began to write greater detail, used more adjectives and longer sentences.

The second stage of my Diary had seen it create expressive and more passionate speech with my increasing emotions. Within the period of the lost years and exceeding until today my diary entries have increased in page size and they have brought forth poetry. My mind did grow up in these times and although I was out of school, I was self taught and better in spelling, grammar and punctuation for my Diary.

Much was bettered for my Diary, typing speed and accuracy was increasing and slowly, with concentration my entries began to pick up in size. Emotions played a big part in my writing more of an entry, that and my desire to enlarge what I place in my Diary.

Within the lost years for example I didn’t want to speak much of sexual encounters but in time and with some courage I found my voice within these pages. Slowly, little things like killing cockroaches in my bathroom and all the better details of my day were more explicit. That way, I colored more of the day and left nothing to the imagination or to be wondered. From writing points about my day I changed slowly to increase the potency of what I speak of and I think it’s paid off.

Waiting for a Third Stage

The third stage of my Diary will be recognized when I have furthered my studies in English and know how to effectively use the language. Only with my self-teaching did I learn what adverbs and adjectives were and with this learning my will to write in more detail expanded. Thus, if I do a four year course and get a diploma on English I will be able to express myself in the most colorful and complacent ways.

Life is just an increasing knowledge and I can draw parallels with my poetry as knowledge is life to these fingers that type. Poetry will be greatly rewarding, much more presentation as in pictures, graphs and other illustrations will be added and my Diary will be a much more sophisticated and intelligible presentation. Also, with the introduction of a laptop later in my life I feel that it will begin the initial prospects of a third stage. With my laptop will come the internet and an easy access to learn. My typing will become quicker and I will be more effective at explanation.

Back to Wednesday and Lyssa

Getting now to chronology before I fall asleep, let me begin with the unfinished Wednesday. Beginning from my jumping off the train and heading home, I caught my bus around 6:00 p.m. and got home soon after.

For some reason the thought of Lyssa was on my mind as I arrived home and I felt like giving her a call. However, I fought off the urge for a while hoping that she would call me instead of me calling her. Like I’ve noted before, my infatuation for talking with her is far greater than what is was before and because Lyssa didn’t call me on Wednesday or since that day I feel she is the opposite.

Conversation between the two of us is now fairly sporadic but if there was a downside I don’t see it. If you consider my being alone, sexless and without companionship a downside to being misused, taken advantage of and wrongly sought by Lyssa then think away.

When the time arrived to 7:30 p.m. I heard Keith’s car out the front so I thought to check it out. Both him and Shawn were in the car and their purpose to come to my house was so they could invite me to ‘Subway’. Feeling that this would help get my mind off ringing Lyssa I happily obliged and putting some shoes on we left.

Right now I’m too tired to speak of what happened while we were at ‘Subway’ so I’ll just revert to some pre ‘Lost Years’ type prose. Basically we were there playing our cards and what I found amusing was that I was winning all the games of ‘Black Bitch’ except for one or two of them. Keith got upset because he couldn’t win one and as usual he was whinging and having a hissy-fit about being dealt shit cards.

Shawn has now also started full-time work and as everyone was back in the trend I thought not to inform them of my quitting early. On the same note, I didn’t have the heart to tell Lyssa that my prospects for employment didn’t go so well so I’ll just lie to everyone and say I worked for a couple of days if they ask.

Rain and a Play Station Promise

Leaving ‘Subway’ only after a couple of hours it started to rain fairly heavily. That night the City was supposedly supposed to have suffered extensive damage from hail stones the size of golf balls but there was no such thing up our way.

While driving to Shawn’s house Keith advised us that he had ‘Foxtel’ hooked up and he offered for the both of us to head over his house. The time was nearing 11:00 p.m. but the both of us were enticed to head to Keith’s house because he had the porn channel.

In the time that we were talking about heading to Keith’s house the Play Station was somehow mentioned and I thought that Shawn was talking about lending it to me. When Shawn jumped out at his house to grab his parent’s car he told me he would lend me the Play Station and that is the main reason I am so tired right now and haven’t been typing in my Diary. Last night’s entry was written before or after I was writing an entry. It must have been after because I remember getting very tired and just falling asleep.

Styrofoam Beads in Keith’s Hair

Leaving Shawn at his house to come over later Keith drove the both of us to his house. The little run to his front door had me fairly wet because of the intensity of the falling rain. With Keith’s parents asleep after his mum had some coffee he turned on the cable shows. The R Rated shows aren’t that bad on ‘Foxtel’ but it did get boring so we changed it to cricket.

For the next hour and a half I kept myself at Keith’s house picking on him as I usually do. While he was lying down on the floor I would pick on him by throwing little Styrofoam beads in his hair or putting a little crawly bug in there. Keith is a glutton to be made fun of and that’s why I was having so much fun doing it while making both myself and Shawn crack up in hysteria. Leaving with Shawn just after midnight he dropped me off home and that’s when I began to play the Play Station.

Four Hours of Sleep

Oh man, my eyes are so tired it’s unbelievable. Let me just say that in the past three nights I have received on average at least four hours of sleep, terrible. At most I have the Play Station to thank for this lack of sleep, that and my getting out of bed today to have Shawn come over so that we played the Play Station all damn night. Still, I am too tired to write with any worth so I will leave this until Sunday morning or Sunday night, whichever one is best.