Hiding Inside My Own Fig Tree (Part 4) – Mad Chaos: March 18, 1999

A Short Entry for Once

Tonight I know won’t be that long of an entry because there wasn’t much I have done but it is good to know that I will be having a little rest from lengthy entries into this Diary. My need to get to sleep earlier is long due and most of the times I don’t do that because I spend too long on this Diary.

Also, tomorrow I am hoping to head to Campbelltown and Macarthur Square to buy myself some new tracksuit pants for the Gym because the ones I have now have faded immensely. Hoping to spend under $50 I will be straining my payment to the last cent this way and for the next two months I will be without money except for that on the Gym.

Now that we have ticked considerably into Friday let me just note that this is the official start of the seven day triple positive Biorhythm Cycles. Who knows what might befall me in these days but I’m feeling run down everyday. I look at the computer screen right now and my eyes are slightly blurred and less caring at focus than it would normally be. Because I’m not focusing I can’t think straight when it comes to poetry, my mind will draw blanks. More mistakes are made in this time and I feel I don’t talk artistically in my Diary because of these mental blocks.

Explaining the Lost Years Sonnet

Right now I feel like I could just get to sleep and I might just do that soon but right now I’m going to get myself into explaining my latest Sonnet ‘Thy apparition that these bulbs don’t see’. The heading itself relates to dreams in which the apparition of Jewell is something that I do not see in normality with my eyes. To have my eyes closed is the only place where I will now see Jewell.

The first line of the Sonnet indicates that I feel most safe to think of or speak of my connection with Jewell when I am asleep. Of course strangers will condemn as I do what had been done in the past but in my dreams they cannot touch what reality I can make of my thoughts. Line (1.2) indicates a play of words on the words ‘Lose’ and ‘Lost’ as they both imply a connection with the lost years.

I shall dream happily upon thoughts of the lost years and not see what hurt once was but what beauty. In my dreams I might glance (1.3) upon Jewell and time will not be a factor as like a father, I will hold sway of it. To ‘father time’ is also to say that I can bring up any memories from any part of my existence in the lost years and I can stop time there so that I might dwell upon that distinctive satisfaction.

There are some days that I start to think about Jewell and reminisce on our old days and with my continual reminiscence of all aspects, good and bad my night grows more darksome (1.4). When I actually go to sleep I forget about the sinful and hurtful past and rather, I see an angel in my dreams, one that takes form in Jewell, one that I think highly of.

Hiding Inside the Fig Tree

Instead of seeing all the hurtful aspects I see only pure bliss to my heart and in my dreams I see only what I want to see of her. Thus, I see such a beauteous form (1.5) and one that I lost within the lost years. The day I lost Jewell and all the happiness that came to her form was that night at the party just before my last solace, the fig tree.

Therefore, in my dreams I see Jewell’s form sitting under that fig tree as the both of us were (1.6) but because I fear to bring upon my dream the sinful aspects of what was I chose not to sit with her. Rather, I hide within nature and embodying the fig tree and the meadows that she sits upon, I embody my last real solace of that day.

Jewell’s body which is shown here as ‘trunk’ (To play on words as I embody the tree’s trunk) rests as on March 16th 1997 under the fig tree, beneath the evergreen and the branches that are my limbs. If I were not to be hidden in my dream to Jewell then I would fear to bring back lust, lusted love, sin and all the other hurtful things that went with our days within the lost years.

Because I never knew a real love with Jewell in the lost years I see it as a surreal love, one that never came to be (1.7). However, in my dream the love I hold for Jewell is shown as more real and because I stay myself from being too noticed in my dream and keep lust and sin at bay I feel love is more evident within such reverie.

Line (1.8) shows how I yearn to touch Jewell even in my dream but the trims that fall from my fig tree are shrouded to hide my true identity. To Jewell in this dream, the leaves that fall are just leaves but to me, they are my fingers brushing against her face and with sorrow in my eye, I know that if I were truly there Jewell would never favor it. As unnoticing as she would be in my dream as the shrouded leaves fall, so to would she be if I were there but more stand offish.

Dreaming Without Lust

Jewell in my dreams has much luster (1.9) that it feels as if she is taking all the shine out of the gracious sun. The Lost Years seemed to me as ‘Long winter’s old tale’ (1.10) and because both seem to drag on in my reality, my dream shows much calmer a hand to the sweet reverie. Instead of hateful or sinful thoughts in my mind I dream only of an angel and the best of Jewell.

Thus, my dream is like a short summer, where for the hours that I do sleep I envision all the gracious parts of what comprised in long winter’s old tale and because I father time and make him obey my ordinance I do make those angelic dreams seem to creep. Also in my dream I offer love and feel the love emanating from myself (1.11) but lust is deemed worthless and wiped on my sleeve, forgotten.

The sin of lust that was so known back in the lost years and also that of confused love (That in turn is needy lust) shall never be in my dreams when I dream of Jewell (1.12). The ‘Crown’ of my sleep is when I dream these purified thoughts of Jewell, of love, of our fig tree, of a perfect world and this golden crown of my sleep will never see the likes of the perpetrator, lust.

The Final Couplet

The final couplet reads that a better night has seen a better day in my dreams than I ever have seen of Jewell in these days after the lost years. A better night portrays a night that I dream of Jewell in this perfect setting. A better day is the perfect dream of Jewell that I see in that better night. My bettered ways are the days after the lost years where I finally got over all the sin, moved on and never looked toward that sin again.

This year was the start of the end of the lost years. Two long years that created so much chaos in my mind. Two long years that broke down my belief in love and brought upon lust and sin.

The lost years in more precise manner ended on September 16th 1998 when Jewell and I stopped talking but I feel the resentment was still to be settled down and the start of this year has seen that come to an end. Yet, in my bettered ways I still reminisce upon Jewell and what could have been and I dream of Jewell (I don’t really dream of her) and I in our last spot of solace, under that fig tree.

Trying for Sleep

Now that this has been explained I can get myself some sleep but the question is, will that be done. The time right now is 2:25 a.m. and I do feel like shutting my eyes but that drowsy state is starting to go.

Maybe it hit me because of the bettered workout I had or maybe it was the fact that there was a heap of good food to eat but whatever it was it will help me get some better sleep tonight. Tonight is the first night since a long time where I have finished in an early fashion and I feel that if I get to sleep now I could be looking to wake up at around 11:00 a.m. If that so happens then I would be able to head to Campbelltown and get my pants after all otherwise, no go…