I Wrote A Sonnet Instead Of Sleeping (Part 1) – Mad Chaos: January 12, 1999

Two Poems In One Day

Another entry nearing the end of the day but let me speak that I have much to write about. That is to be as I have missed out writing for Monday and even though I didn’t go out today to the beach I have much to write about my new invention of words dedicated to the lost years Sonnets.

On top of that I have just written another poem shorter in stature and different in rhyming style. It’s a take from the Sonnet I had done earlier about these words of my poetry making me, or something on that line. Here I speak once again how in life I hope and forthwith predict that my words be it of literature, in poems or in lyrics shall make me known later in life.

So known as I predict, that huge crowds of the world shall respect my work and metaphorically, they will treat me like a King of words. These words of mine shall one day bind my life’s achievements together, that is when I am founded, when I come full circle. It speaks hopeful and futuristically and also hopes that after being founded and with the praise that prevalence brings, I continue to write nobly…

My Words Make Me A King

These words of mine shall make noble of me,

That like Kings, shall bow world’s throng at mine feet,

Such narrative verse shall bind my life’s feat,

And to be sure, to be sure I pinch thee,

‘Tis true, these words do wrap victor with robes,

And grant me to wield, This scepter I hold,

Waking Up To Write

Two poems in one day is pretty much a new accomplishment for myself. But, although they did come on the same day, my true Sonnet (which I will print out soon) was written in the early hours of this morning. To be exact, yesterday night I was supposed to get myself to sleep around 3:30 a.m. so I could get up at 9:30 a.m. to head to Cronulla beach.

To my surprise I started thinking thoughts in my mind as I jumped to sleep and then I knew I had to turn on my computer and write those thoughts for the next day’s work but to my surprise, I wrote out four lines of the poem. Knowing that my flow would be different on another day I remained on my computer and finished off the rest of my Sonnet which took me until 8:00 a.m. with some breaks.

I’m not certain that I took four hours on my Sonnet but it was a long time and it was early in the morning so my process of memory was slower than usual. On top of that I was having a triple negative cycle for my Biorhythm Cycles but putting that aside I feel that I wrote an excellent depiction of some important times and feelings from the lost years.

Cupid And His Shadow

The Sonnet I am about to place in this Diary can be perceived in many different angles and to be honest I’m not really sure of the full potential meaning of the poem but I can say that while writing it I knew exactly what I meant. Now with some of those realities fading I will have to try and recite exactly how to analyze this Sonnet to the best interests of what it’s trying to get across about the lost years.

In truth, this Sonnet is based on Cupid firing his arrow of love in my direction. But, although the arrow splinters and in turn injures me emotionally to believe that my mind’s loyalty to true love has been deprived I do not blame Cupid who personifies love. Rather, in a sarcastic jest and cynical approach I still hold no blame to Cupid who I show complement to and praise his good deeds, although they did not work for me.

Here now in the next couple of lines will I include the new Sonnet ‘’Tis made more beloved, the shadow than the shaft’. To explain the heading could have one of many meanings but I in my best interests will try and shed light onto it. Speaking metaphorically about Cupid’s arrow and that of it’s shadow I ask what is the more revered element. The shaft itself that pierces with love and deals such affectionately does hold the entirety of Cupid’s messenger.

The shaft is most important and is of substance and reality. The shaft, like is written in my Sonnet can also splinter if entering bluntly, associating the splintering with depreciated love and a love given that doesn’t work. These faults of the shaft are not within the shadow that flies below it. The shadow itself cannot enter with such love that comes with the shaft so the shadow itself is the fantasy of love.

The shadow is the fantasy that I had been carrying in my mind of Jewell for so long, those thoughts that could never pierce through my love to her. The shadow of love was made more beloved than love itself as in my fantasy I could achieve such a feeling but in reality it was not to be. The shaft would never penetrate with my love and for that I had to favor the shaft’s shadow, deeming it more important as this was all I had.

Under The Fig Tree

Thus, the heading of my newest Sonnet merely says, ‘My fantasy of this love is made more beloved than the shaft which carries this love in my reality’. As we know, the shaft never did penetrate and thus never blossomed but what did blossom was the shadow in my mind that bid me to fantasize of what could be if… If only love could have become evident, if only we had more than phone conversations, if only you allowed Cupid’s shaft to penetrate you, if only there was a you and I.

With this huge explanation of just the heading in my Sonnet you can understand the possibilities of what could be imagined of the Sonnet in general. For example you might notice that I give cite to a certain time in our lives, a certain day. You could imagine that the poem was set upon our day in the City, when Jewell and I sat under that huge fig tree. I speak how Cupid’s sweet breath did toss the winds (1.2) meaning that love in my belief was in the air that day, from me anyway.

I speak also of my former poem ‘Dawn-Tinted Love’, in particular, the line in that poem about the grass being so green. In irony, this poem speaks about that grass so green having been stained and like my second CD and our tree among it, it gives a picture of the blotted grass being yellow and dead (1.3). Before I delve more, let now speak the poem…

The Sonnet Itself

‘Tis made more beloved, the shadow than the shaft

(‘The Lost Years’ Sonnets)

Beloved Cupid, misguided art not,

Thy sweet breath to my ears shall toss these winds,

Shall blush lecher’s cheeks and verdant grass blot,

Forlorn and forlorn these peaceful leaves bring,

That fall midst beauty’s shade with bootless cries,

These ne’er erring eyes sop thine genteel smile,

Holds steady thy arm, makes naïve where’t aimed wise,

This lust thou send wrapped in such wanton style,

Cupid’s bow did such utter shaft hither,

Sent thriving, forged ‘f cupid’s well-versed charm,

And such wooden utterance didst splinter,

To bear upon me this much needed balm,

Albeit, basest metals shall thee not swoop,

Thou hast debased mind’s onus of love’s truth,

Reading It Line By Line

Now to speak of the poem and it’s significant meaning, let us begin once again and capitalize on definition. As I noted before the poem the setting for the Sonnet was that beautiful day in the City’s park. Where Jewell and I sat cradled by the arm of the huge fig tree, with other lover’s initials like a tattoo amongst it’s body. I allude you to this setting by speaking things like ‘shall toss these winds’ (1.2) signifying we are outdoors where the air runs free.

‘And verdant grass blot’ (1.3) also speaks that we are amongst very green grass once again symbolizing outdoors. ‘Peaceful leaves’, allows the notion that we are sitting amongst serenity and beneath a tree and ‘shade’ simplifies this more to make an understanding that we are sitting underneath the tree. ‘Shade’ from (1.5) also suggests what the heed of the heading implies which is fantasy.

Where Beauty Once Sat

Broadening this word to ‘Beauty’s Shade’ you will understand that beauty represents Jewell that was sitting with me that day and shade could be seen in two different perspectives. The first suggests an abandoned state as Jewell no longer sits under that tree both in my reality and in my fantasy. ‘Beauty’s Shade’ represents a passing of time where beauty once sat there in my mind and my fantasy (represented by shade) but no longer does. Taking (1.4) into consideration ‘Forlorn and forlorn these peaceful leaves bring’ along with (1.5) you will understand that I am trying to state that abandoned and forgotten makes of my past.

The past being me and Jewell sitting under that fig tree that now in the future the peaceful leaves that ‘Fall midst beauty’s shade’, midst the shade where once we sat so content with each other. ‘Bootless cries’ (1.5) signifies that the leaves that fall around ‘beauty’s shade’ and see that the fantasy and the reality has left them as it has me, they feel it is useless to cry for one that is now but a shadow or shade.

Cupid Gets Off Lightly

The fact that I hold love and Cupid so beloved after such a wounding occurrence is not a lost expression. Rather, I speak that Cupid is not misguided (1.1) or wrong for sending me a shaft of love. But, even though I favor Cupid I am cynical and sarcastic in my approach. This can be seen with line (1.2) where I speak pleasantly of Cupid who whispers his sweet words of love to my ears while I am sitting underneath the fig tree.

‘Shall toss these winds’ can be seen in my cynical aspect as throwing around the wind, making it uncomfortable having the thought of Cupid’s love breezing around us. When Jewell and I sat under that tree I did feel something special from my heart towards Jewell but now when I look back upon those moments I can see that those feelings from my heart (Where I also sent Jewell a poem that day) were causing unrest in Jewell’s mind.

Some more cynical words in line (1.3) ‘Shall blush lecher’s cheeks’ means that Cupid’s ‘sweet breath’ shall blush the cheeks of lust. Instead of love from his arrow I was given a lust for Jewell. How could one love another if only seen in fantasy. ‘Shall blush lecher’s cheeks’ simply means that I will lust for Jewell rather than love for her.

‘Verdant grass blot’ simply as described before means that the grass that I thought was so green before (Green Grass symbolizing my concept that my relationship with Jewell while going out with her was majestic) has now been tainted and turned yellow or died. ‘Forlorn and forlorn’ takes another crack at Cupid’s attempt at love that now brings nothing but abandonment and a place rather to be forgotten from love’s attempt.

Blaming My Own Impatience

Far from the cynicism is the reality of what has become of Jewell and I. In my depiction you can see the desolate scenery I have made of our old fig tree but there is more beyond this. Cupid was not misguided with his shaft, the shaft which is the major aspect of this Sonnet being the sender of love. Even though so many things went wrong between Jewell and I concerning our feelings that caused our breakup, our further existence, our empty conversations of fantasy and then our final departure they are in no fault to Cupid’s who sent love.

In line (1.6-1.7) I place the blame upon myself and jest about my fixation to be in love that I force my emotions upon Cupid and ultimately upon Jewell who could but not take my entirety. ‘These ne’er erring eyes’ speak of my stubborn nature and how I never want to be wrong and in this case, wrong about what I feel will happen with the love. Therefor, like a sponge I drench myself with Cupid’s ‘genteel smile’, his smile signifying that it is time he shoots his shaft of love upon me.

With my anticipation I restlessly ‘hold steady thy arm’ of Cupid but in turn I make his shot blundered where he would normally be a good shot, I put him off. That is the reason that I feel Cupid is not ‘misguided’ in his shooting but it is the fault of me for being too impatient for love.

I don’t know who to blame for my lost love that wounded me more than anything. Therefor, I blame myself in the Sonnet for being stubborn in wanting love quicker and I am cynical or Cupid in how I speak with sarcasm. It’s as if I don’t want to fully blame myself for this lost chance of love and I know I can’t blame love itself so I am cynical in saying ‘I don’t blame you, even though you tossed these winds, blushed lecher’s cheeks, etc.’.

I am quick to speak that Cupid was careless (1.8) in wrapping his love upon the shaft as that could have been the cause of making the shaft splinter. The damage was that of lust in our relationship but I speak of this lust as having been carelessly wrapped around the shaft instead of love. It could have been that the love once splintering upon me did break and turn into lust, lust being the wound.

Where The Arrow Landed

Cupid did release his shaft to me when Jewell and I were sitting upon our fig tree (1.9). Sent quickly (As of my hurried state to hold his aim), the arrow was made of Cupid’s charm (1.10). ‘Well-versed charm’ meaning that all knew of what Cupid could accomplish and for that fact I speak such resentment in my Sonnet as his ‘well-versed charm’ did not work for me. The shaft upon reaching me did penetrate but it also did splinter (1.11). The splintering did cause the lust and the havoc that ensued that love did not give.

This being what I mentioned before, our break up, our fantasy, my cheating and so forth. For that I was in need of much healing (1.12) as I did get hurt emotionally. The last two lines being (1.13-1.14) speak that the damage done could not take all of me into depression. ‘Basest metals’ meaning the base elements which make who I am shall not be taken away from me. Although this emotional injury shall not take the base of me it has deprived my mind’s loyalty to what I feel is true love.

By this I mean to say that with Jewell, while going out with her and with the fantasy beyond created by the splintering shaft creating lust, I thought there was a chance that she was my true love. Alas, with the trouble that has ensued and our inevitable end, my mind is now at a loss and I feel deprived that I will never be able to trust love enough anymore to know what true love is. ‘onus’ describes the burden or load that I feel finding true love is made all the more burdening with such a fallow shot.