Do You Still Love Me (Part 4) – Mad Chaos: January 12, 1999

Jett Drops By

I’m not sure also when our conversation ended but I do recall that Jett came over later that Monday night. He told me that he was headed to Cronulla Tuesday morning and knowing that I would love to head out there he asked me along. I was fine with that idea as he decided to call Dennis and Anders to come along, they said yes. Jett then gave Min-Su a call but she wasn’t home at the time so we started to play ‘Worms’ on my computer, Jett was wrapped.

As we started upon that Min-Su gave Jett a call and he talked to her for a couple of minutes but let her go so she could do something and he could play the computer. He still has that, ‘I don’t care about her’ attitude and he said to me upon coming over “I have to get a new girlfriend” so I gather he’s growing tired of her and the novelty of a Min-Su relationship has worn off.

Jett didn’t want to speak to Min-Su when she rang back but when the phone rang he answered. Luckily for him it was Lyssa for me and as he asked me to engage the phone line I did so and chatted to Lyssa. Soon after Jett had a piece of chicken from my dinner he left for home and to get prepared. Walking him to the door we made plans for Tuesday morning’s departure and said goodbye.

Who Was The Better One

Jumping back onto the phone with Lyssa we had our chat for the night and for the first time in a long time it was a lively discussion. The reason for this was that we opened up on the prospect of our futures mainly because I started the topic. We also spoke of Jewell as Lyssa brought her up and then with her curiosity she asked “What really happened between you two, why did you stop calling her.”

From there I explained to Lyssa as best as I could without insulting her or hurting her but basically I informed Lyssa that it was because I had seen what I was doing wrong and I couldn’t take it anymore. I told Lyssa how we were alike in our stubborn nature and how at times we would just sit silent on the phone for an hour or so. Lyssa struck a chord within herself when she asked me who would be the better person, her or Jewell.

“I don’t want to answer that because the two of you are completely different” I told her. Lyssa took that as an insult thinking I didn’t want to answer the question because I was hiding the truth from Lyssa in her belief that Jewell was prettier. Lyssa even thought that I would only move on from her mainly because I wanted a girlfriend without freckles, how much farther from the point can you get. Lyssa is completely different in body and in personality to Jewell and considering that Lyssa and I are completely different that would make me the same in personality as Jewell, sounds about right.

Drifting Apart In Plain Sight

Lyssa and I also talked about our relationship with the thanks that I brought up the topic of what Lyssa meant with her conversation on the way back to her house. Basically we chatted about how Lyssa and I have been distancing ourselves and taking away more and more from each other as time passes. To make truth of this, since our break up we have stopped kissing as lovingly, if at all, less presents, less meaningful conversations on the phone, less care when together, less sexually which includes no oral sex for me not to mention Lyssa being friendlier with Ali and me with Keith and the rest of them.

I informed Lyssa that it would be near impossible for the both of us to get back together because we were on the decline and things like Lyssa being friends with Ali and I with Keith will just cause complications.

It will never be the same as before with Lyssa and I know that the spark in the start of our relationship will not be there a second. Sure we’re going to try but also missing will be our good old fashioned loving and I know that we won’t be able to work back into what we were. The fact that I wanted to be with Lyssa everyday or at least talk to her on the phone, the fact that I couldn’t wait to be with her and not just for sex, those will not be apparent the second time if ever.

Our time has been overlapped and if ever there was going to be a time that would have mattered it would have been two or three months after breaking up. Alas, whenever I seem to find that loving spark back in me (Like the time I tripped up Lyssa on my stairs late at night) Lyssa seems to have her mind elsewhere. And vice versa for her feelings now, I’m not very much into the idea of getting back together but rather moving on later in life.

There once was thoughts of Lyssa and I getting together and living together to eventually get married but those hopes are now squashed. I realized that I don’t want to get married or be with someone because they are there for the taking but for the reason that all the feelings are there of love and they feel right enough.

Another I Miss You

Lyssa once again informed me that she wanted to sleep over my house but she knew it wasn’t possible as the time was 10:30 p.m. Lyssa was gearing to head to bed and as we said goodnight to each other we hung up the phone with good thoughts. To top that though Lyssa decided to give me a call back a couple of minutes later, her only message “I miss you.”

As you know I didn’t get to sleep for Monday night well until 8:00 a.m. I did however get myself to sleep after reading some poetry at 3:30 a.m. For ten minutes I was trying to rest my eyes but in that time frame I could do nothing but think. And think I did, enough to turn on my computer and type out the thoughts I had in memory.

I figured that if I didn’t write down my thoughts I would forget them as I would be headed to the beach so that was my best chance. For the next four hours I kept myself awake writing poetry and deciphering my own mind. And for my results an unexpected poem that made perfect sense of the lost years and shined a light upon the date that things started to go wrong which I think was March 22nd 1997.

Today however I wasn’t woken up by Lyssa on the phone in my sleep but rather at 9:30 a.m. Jett tapped on my window. Startled I answered him at the door and informing him that I’ve only been sleeping for two hours he left without a real care, still his happy self.

Dungeon Of Learning

Getting myself back to sleep I didn’t wake until 3:00 p.m. to have my shower and the rest of it. Lyssa gave me a call around 4:30 p.m. just back from College. She informed me how she got to see all her friends back at College but she was stuck on the computers alone for most of the day as she had an excel test.

Today I was stuck in the quarters of my room for the better part of the day and this is my chamber of confinement. The sun I did see but not today and the outside world all the same, save for some thunderous clouds that did not tinker or jest their heavenly sounds. This has been my dungeon of learning and I have learnt much. All my day was spent here except for those fleeting moments gathering food or visiting the toilet.

Do You Still Love Me Tonight

Lyssa and I when we talked tonight once again had a casual conversation about us. The most noteworthy part of our conversation tonight was when Lyssa asked “Do you still love me.” To that and without thinking I told her yes but it would have sounded hesitant to her ears. The reason for that is I didn’t know myself to what extent anymore. I know I love Lyssa but I know I don’t love her as I did when we were both together and living the one life.

Now we have changed, we have had quarrels and our thoughts on other people have wandered from time to time. All this has led me to believe new principles and with that love Lyssa more the less than what was uniform. Upon informing Lyssa that I was going to write about the diamond ring poem that Lyssa gave me an idea for she told me that I should become a lyricist, a song writer. Informing Lyssa that I have written songs she was certain that I would one day become a song writer or a well renowned poet.

Lyssa and I chatted two or three times tonight as she had to watch her ‘Party of Five’ and Penelope did also come over but not while I was talking to her. Our last conversation ended around 10:00 p.m. as Lyssa had to get herself to sleep but now that the time is nearing 5:20 a.m. I should also be to sleep myself. Before I leave let me just note that Lyssa mentioned “It would feel just like breaking up again” if we were to ever move on and find someone else.

One Last Line Before Bed

With someone else we would naturally have to stop calling each other as usual and in time probably stop completely and Lyssa was worried about that, I was too. Another word before I up and leave, this a line of a poem I fear I will never write. It has been in these computerized pages since the dawning of my style Sonnet, the poem about not having to speak to learn or send messages.

Listen closely and you too will see…

I am thought not a smart man but smart ‘tis said I be,